how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

i need you so much i almost cannot bear it .....

i need you back.

for just a little while. until i get well. i need you.

i have not felt this sick and been without you. my lungs feel like an aquarium.
every time i cough i get piercing pain in my head and go fuzzy. i go sliding down so i do not fall down, but it is the liquid sloshing around in my lungs, that melted jello-feel inside there that upsets me so.

please come hold me tonight. i really need to be with you right now.
the fever was 103. the doctor gave me a shot of antibiotics to kick start the meds. i wish you were here to be with, to make food for me, to refill my juice and tea. magic tea. i used to call it magic tea because you always magically filled it when it got low. you cannot do that anymore.

i wish you could. i love your magic tea.
no matter how i lay, my lungs feel crowded. i cannot get enough air though i do think it is getting better. so many meds. samples all, bless the woman doctor who saw my panic at the expected costs of what i would need to be on.

if you had been there with me, you would have smiled and spread your big hand over my head, finger combed my hair and winked. as it was, please, God, bless my daughter who had that frightened child look about her but the woman resiliency in her to get me to the Urgent Care and speak for me. when she saw me getting the shot, i gave her a smile and a thumbs up. i made a joke about the shot.

3 women in one room. one a doctor. one a woman who is the child of the third. i nodded to the doctor, who gave all her instructions to my daughter and in doing so, gave her the gift and burden of adulthood. caring for her mother.
she has been wonderful, my daughter has. but the nights. aw, Dragon, dear, the nights are so bad. i lie there alone and i cannot breathe. the wheezing is so raspy. soupy. air should not sound like water. the paroxysms of coughing that shake my bones. the fluid in my lungs that makes me feel like i am going to drown.

i wish you were here. i need you so much i almost cannot bear it.......

just until i get well.


Suddenwidow said...

I'm glad you saw a compassionate doctor who was able to give you samples. Also relieved to hear that they're starting to work! You are lucky to have your daughter looking out for you. But I sure understand wishing that he was there. Take care.

Anonymous said...

sending prayers and "get better wishes" to you .. C.

Boo said...

just checking in on you ... hope you are sleeping and dreaming of your Dragon xx

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