how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, August 8, 2011

8th/9th ~ 2 1/2 years

he started dying on the 8th of August at 11:40 PM. he was gone at 12:03 AM. full moon. 30 below.

tonight it is not a full moon, nor is it freezing outside by any means, but i am chilled inside my soul. it is halfway through the second year and i have a heavy heart.
i miss you terribly. i miss you night and day. i love you with the same passion that i always did. time has not lessened it at all. but then you were quite the man. i was always incredulous that you loved me in return.

you are the most amazing man. you still are. and i am still yours and you will always be mine.
"....the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes 'Awww!' " ~ Jack Kerouac


megan said...


Dan, in real time. said...

I find myself having the same conversation, one sided of course, with Michael. I spend so much time telling him what he meant, and still means, to me. As time goes on it seems to hurt on a deeper level that I can no longer reach out to him, or to turn and see his reassuring smile.

Hang in there.

abandonedsouls said...

thank you, Megan.

Dan, i agree with you. as time goes on, the pain goes so deep. i am fully awake to what life will be like without him here. i am fully aware of what his death has done to me deep inside. waiting on tomorrow, i'm not even sure i want the sun to shine as brightly if he is not here to see it, but then, i want to be "mad" like he was. i want people to look at me and say, "that's the Dragon's wife. his widow true, but always his wife." it's just what i'm feeling at this time.

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