how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

happy anniversary, my love

"may you live a thousand years, and i a thousand less one day, that i may never know that you have passed away."

i live loving you. i will die loving you. there can be no one but you. it's not that i refuse to try to move on. i am moving forward in my life, with you on my mind. it's not that i refuse to try and find love again. i had done that, with you. i have a fairly gracious outlook on life. i look out on life believing you wait for me.

it's not the years i have lived so much as the mileage. i have seen. i have experienced. i know my heart. i know my soul. i know i want only you.

so.....

"may you live a thousand years, and i a thousand less one day, that i may never know that you have passed away."

but you did die first. and it has been more than one day.

still......

still......

all i want is you.

happy anniversary, my beloved Dragon.
with love, your wife.

4 comments:

Widow in Oz said...

You are right about him waiting for you - I'm sure of this. You're also expressing my thoughts here, since I never want anyone else, either. The man I had gave me enough love to last a lifetime. You & I know how this feels. Hugs to you x
BTW I love this particular photo of the ocean ->->->

megan said...

"i am moving forward in my life, with you on my mind."

*

judemiller1 said...

Beautiful

Sandy said...

You leave such kind words for me on my blog, I only wish I could say something to give you comfort. I think of you often, especially now as you travel through a very tough few days.

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