how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

dream home ~ new link

i do not know if i will write much of any length before Christmas and i cannot leave my last post up as the last one before Christmas. it was written from despair and more than a bit of anger that i usually keep pressed down deep inside.

i have added a "gadget" over there on the right. ~~> see it? "Home is where the heart is." i wanted to show you photos of the house my Dragon and i were going to buy. we were going to save it together. think new shingles and stone. instead of white, there would be colors. a new light in the tower and of course, a new roof. but click the little link and go see some of my favorite photos of our dream home. as the Righteous Brothers sing, "i'm dreaming my life away." but that's okay. right now, that's where i am.
if you click to make the above photo larger you will see my Dragon reflected in the lower level master bedroom window. i wonder if there are times when he still flies by to check on our "dream home."
it looks out over Rockport harbor. we had such plans. one day i'll splurge and by myself new oil paints and i'll paint our vision of this house.

thank you all for being there during the dark times. it is to you that i reach out. now, i am going to embroider a border around the first of Suddenwidow's quilts.


Boo said...

I can "see" you both living there together. it is beautiful. I liked what you said about wondering if the Dragon visited the house, because sometimes I wonder if Cliff visits the place where we got married in Jamaica. Or here. Or when I fly.

I wish they were here. I wish we didn't feel this pain.

Widow in the Middle said...

It is nice to be able to actually picture your dream home. Wow! Photos and artwork, including your quilts and needlework can oftentimes say even more than our words. My New Year's Resolution is to try and become more like you in learning how to post photos!

womanNshadows said...

Boo, dear, Boo. i wish we didn't feel it either. i think about the day when we get to fly to them and with them.

Widow in the Middle, it would have been a beautiful home. my Dragon was great, much better than i, at wood carving. and yes, all my quilts and needlework would have only made it more homey. i am grieving for this home, our life that we had planned, all of it. and if you want some tips to posting photos, i finally have it figured out. click my profile link and email me directly if you think you need some help with it.

Suddenwidow said...

Heartbreakingly beautiful. I'm so sorry that you and your Dragon didn't get to create and live in your dream home. I know the agony of losing what should have been, of being the only one left to remember what the two of you had planned to make your dreams come true.

Post a Comment