how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

the day my Dragon gave

{first of all, let me humbly apologize for the two black smudges that appear on some of my photographs. pixel loss is a terrible thing. i am saving for a new digital.}

i did not fall asleep until 4 AM last night. i had to get up to take my dogs out at half past 6 but then i went back to sleep for a couple of hours. it has been a very long week emotionally for no apparent reason other than i miss him and i feel like i am walking through quicksand.

i went to the widow's meeting again. i just wanted to see people, just sit in a room with some people and not be alone. one of the widow's came and picked me up. she's getting married in June but she still wants to attend the meetings and she graciously took me and brought me home.

something happened while i was there. someone saw me. chillinwithlemonade, another blogger, in fact the one who got me started, looked at my face and saw how alone i feel and how much i hurt. it was a significant event for me. someone saw behind the facade and saw the crumpled me that i am inside. thank you, sister dear, for recognizing in me what is also in you.

so i am very tired on this beautiful day. i plan on taking Captain Generic tonight and try to sleep, but only after Mega Piranha on SyFy. a girl has to treat herself on a Saturday night.

i took a break from the quilt i am designing and took the dogs out for a quick walk and low and behold, the sky was dramatically gorgeous. my Dragon was telling me to keep looking up, not down at my feet, but up at him. the mares tails are beautiful. so on behalf of my Dragon whose wings brought the breeze that instigated my looking up, and to God who created the palette so blue and the clouds so thin and swirling, here are the photos i took with some passages i cling to.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. ~ Corinthians 13:7-8

I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. ~ Song of Solomon 7:10

I do not wish any companion in the world but you. ~ The Tempest ~ Shakespeare

For where thou art, there is the world itself, And where thou art not, desolation. ~ Henry IV ~ Shakespeare

and my personal favorite: I found the one whom my soul loves. ~ Song of solomon 3:4

i love you, my dear, with all that i am and all i was ever going to be. i know that is why your death is so very hard to bear.


judemiller1 said...

Well I am so glad you FINALLY found someone who was decent to you!!!
The pictures are beautiful. Have a good rest tonight.

Anonymous said...

Dear Lady,

Such beautiful photos. We'll have to see about getting you a new camera though. I know how important it is to you. I hope you sleep tonight. I'll check in with you tomorrow via email. I don't want Dragon coming back here to kick my butt for not seeing after his wife.

Semper Fi

Dan, in real time. said...

You took a risk in going back to the widow's group, and it paid off. There is a great lesson in that. I'm kind of stuck in a place where I won't let anyone in. I don't return calls very well. I tell myself that other's don't really want to be present to me when I am being true to myself, and true to my loss. So it is easier to not take the risk. I will remember that by giving it another try, someone was able to see you. I will need to make that effort myself

Good for you.

Suddenwidow said...

I'm so happy for you that someone saw you, finally. I hope the group continues to offer you glimpses of hope. I love your pictures, especially the first one, the Dragon. Over Easter we saw the movie, How to Train Your Dragon, and by the middle to the end (which I won't reveal in case anyone reading this doesn't want to know the ending), I was thinking about your Dragon, and all that he brought/brings to your life, like the Dragons in the movie.

Have a peacful day.

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