how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

the gift of color



i love color. bright sunny days, cold, crisp. the bite of the up-coming winter that is in the air as you walk before noon warms up the sunlight. i love (loved) walking with him on days like that. days like in my photos.

slow pace. holding hands. stopping for me to take a picture.

so different here. so empty now. i'm tired of worry. i'm tired of hurting. i'm lonely for him.

he made me laugh. he made me sigh. he made me feel like no matter how bad life treated us, we'd survive. now i'm just not sure sometimes. but my son called me earlier tonight. he told me that no matter what, i'd be alright. he wasn't going to let anything bad happen to me. he told me, "you're my mom and you've had it so rough. but you're brave. you're the strongest person i know." and i cried and told him i wasn't anymore. he told me i was and that he would bring me to live with him in his new house if it came to it, if i couldn't make it all work. he told me to always know, last thought before i try to sleep, that i was going to be alright.

i'm tired from sewing all day. i'm headed for bed, to try and find a way to sleep. i hope i can find some hope somewhere. find a way to breathe a little more deeply without so much pressure or desolation weighing me down. maybe i packed it up and it's in the closet.

i'll try to find it tomorrow. tonight, well, tonight my son says i'm going to be okay. i heard a bit of our Dragon in his voice. i think i can find some sleep realizing that.

enjoy the color up there. the world can be such a beautiful place.

7 comments:

Widow in the Middle said...

Bless your son! We all need to hear that we are going to be okay, especially when times are tough. I wish more people realized that because I sure don't hear it enough.

judemiller1 said...

your son has your back now. God bless him. AND it can be reassuring that you have a place to go if you ever need it.

Boo said...

Your son is so special (not that I need to tell YOU that!) He is a man. There aren't many real men around these days. My Dad told me that they are a dying breed, and god he was right. We are painfully aware of that fact these days.

Bless him. I'm not surprised that someone as beautiful a person as you raised him. How could he be any other way?

Love to you. Sleep peacefully xxxx

womanNshadows said...

hi everyone. i have been blessed with my children. after all we went through, and now that they are grown, to have them help me now as much as they are able is both heart breaking for me and yet i am so grateful. i feel like i'm dancing on the head of a pin and to know that i have that little tomato cushion underneath to fall on. i just don't want to be a burden. that is the heart breaking part of all this

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Your son is a treasure, and so are you. You'll never be a burden to those who love you.

X

Supa

twinmom said...

What a wonderful thing for your son to have told you. I'm sure your children have never ever thought of you as a burden. You are their MOTHER, the source of their comfort and solace so many many times. To be able to return some of that to you? Priceless.

womanNshadows said...

Supa and twinmom, thanks for saying that. it's just a bit of role reversal, them taking care of me, that is hard to face when i still think of them as so young, 23 and 25. but i had my daughter on my 26th birthday so i guess we al grow up when we accept the responsibility for someone else. i love my children. they are the only blessings i received from the ex.

i hope you all have a calm and peace-filled Thanksgiving.

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