i love color. bright sunny days, cold, crisp. the bite of the up-coming winter that is in the air as you walk before noon warms up the sunlight. i love (loved) walking with him on days like that. days like in my photos.
slow pace. holding hands. stopping for me to take a picture.
so different here. so empty now. i'm tired of worry. i'm tired of hurting. i'm lonely for him.
he made me laugh. he made me sigh. he made me feel like no matter how bad life treated us, we'd survive. now i'm just not sure sometimes. but my son called me earlier tonight. he told me that no matter what, i'd be alright. he wasn't going to let anything bad happen to me. he told me, "you're my mom and you've had it so rough. but you're brave. you're the strongest person i know." and i cried and told him i wasn't anymore. he told me i was and that he would bring me to live with him in his new house if it came to it, if i couldn't make it all work. he told me to always know, last thought before i try to sleep, that i was going to be alright.
i'm tired from sewing all day. i'm headed for bed, to try and find a way to sleep. i hope i can find some hope somewhere. find a way to breathe a little more deeply without so much pressure or desolation weighing me down. maybe i packed it up and it's in the closet.
i'll try to find it tomorrow. tonight, well, tonight my son says i'm going to be okay. i heard a bit of our Dragon in his voice. i think i can find some sleep realizing that.
enjoy the color up there. the world can be such a beautiful place.