how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, November 13, 2009

i wish he could come back

i'm not doing very well tonight. see, these Little Debbie Christmas tree snacks are out now. i had walked to the grocery store for milk and bread crumbs - don't ask. anyway, they were on the end of an aisle as i walked into the store. i stood there shell shocked. he used to buy these for me. he'd get a box and sing as he got close to the cart, "it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" with this big smile on his face.

i felt hot inside and my fingers and toes felt cold. i grabbed a box and moved on to get the milk.

i'd like him to come back now. i've done the widow thing and i'm ready for him to come home. i know i don't live where we lived but he can find me. if anyone can find anyone, it's him. it was one of his specialties. and i'm not trying to hide from him. so, i'm ready for him to come home.

Thanksgiving is fast approaching and then, well, you know. i need him back. i'm really tired and lonely but i only want him.

i love him. i adore him. he is too cool. devilish. funny. intelligent. street smart. he took care of me. he made me laugh. he loved me so much and i have never felt so important. i loved the way he looked at me.

i don't like going to bed. i hate it. i lay there and read and read, trying to forget i'm alone. i miss him breathing beside me. i miss tangling my legs with his.

i don't like waking up. he's not there to kiss and groan at the morning light with. he was the cook. he made the most awesome breakfasts. and lunch. and suppers. i can't cook worth a damn. nothing tastes like his cooking.

i don't like life anymore. i'm alone so much. my daughter's store moved and she only has one day a week off now. i don't see anyone but her and now it's only once a week. i miss him so much. it's been 9 and a half months and i'm not any better. is it possible that i'm still in shock? i feel so distant from everything and everyone but then that numbness goes away and i cry. i feel like i'm breaking apart.

the crying gets so bad sometimes that i wonder if the neighbors can hear. i'm like some animal caught in a trap. i can't find the words to speak to the physical pain in my sternum, my hands, my head. i miss him so much. i reach out to him, to a picture of him, but my arms can only grab at emptiness. i look at his urn and i can't imagine such a man is reduced to being in there. to me, he is so handsome. his arms are so strong and when i was in his embrace, i felt like nothing could hurt me. when i put my arms around him, his chest was so big and his back so muscled that only my fingertips touched. how can he be in that urn?

so you see, i wish he'd come back. i need him. i don't want to go through the rest of whatever life i have left without him. i don't want Christmas to come without him. i don't want to sit in front of the television on New Year's Eve without him.

i don't want time to go by. or maybe it should go by really fast so i can get to be with him. i have no idea how i'm going to do this. i need him to help me. i wish he'd come back to me. i need him to come home.


Widow in the Middle said...

I wish I lived near you so I could come over right now to pick you up for a bite to eat and we could cry and laugh at how significant a box of Little Debbie snack cakes can mean to us. You describe your pain so beautifully - if ever there was a horrible contrast to exist it is that. You took me to the heart and core of your feelings of loss and grief. Of how deeply you miss your husband - from the little things to the bigger ones.

I don't have any magic words of wisdom. Feeling someone's pain with them even through cyberspace is hard. All I can offer is to say that I cried along with your words and you touched me with your honesty in posting them. Please just know that I'm out there by your side in spirit and sisterhood.

Boo said...

I know sweetheart, I wish he could too. I think you are coming out of the fog with me and Kim. Maybe we need to look for Jude's lighthouse beam together. They are all shining down on us, but we are in such darkness that we cannot see their light yet.

Let's bob along, slowly, slowly, forwards. We can do this, I know we have no option, but we can do this.

Love to you

Suddenwidow said...

My heart is aching for you and your words have brought an aching to my core because they describe so vividly the grief I feel every day. Your writing is so powerful and descriptive, and it cuts right to the core of what I'm feeling. I often have conversations with Austin when I tell him, "ok, enough is enough. Time for you to come back now." I find that it's the smallest things these days that bring me to my knees because they catch me so offguard.

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. Thinking about you and sending prayers your way.


womanNshadows said...

Widow in the Middle, there is no magic anymore but seeing words of understanding, even if the sender can never be present, helps.

Boo, slowly, i guess, is the only way we can go. i'm looking for a light but even the sunniest day is edged in darkness. we'll just have to keep drifting along.

Debbie, i'm so sorry we have all met this way. it is nice to sometimes close my eyes and pretend we all met with our husbands along. we'd sit outside on a promontory overlooking a beautiful and vast sea. there'll be a campfire and the men will cook while we sit and talk. well, at least in our dreams we are wild and carefree and with our men.

Pam said...

i don't know if you will ever read this comment, since it's now 2011, but i typed "i wish he could come back" into google and it brought me to your blog.
my boyfriend died almost two years ago in an accident, and for a while i felt like i was doing so much better, but lately, i look around and realize how much time has gone by; i'm getting older, and life is going by. and i think about him, and fall in love with him all over again.
in june it will be 2 years, and you'd think it would all be at least a little better, but eh... life is funny.
i'm 26 and i don't like life much either these days; i don't feel like i should be here, especially not without him. i don't really know what to do about any of it, it kinda feels like wandering around in the desert without a map.

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