how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, November 27, 2009


i did take a few pictures of yesterday, that 3rd Thursday in November, but the one person i wanted there couldn't come.

i woke up sick this morning. it's all in my chest. feels like iron weights are sitting on my sternum. i faked feeling better than i do so my son wouldn't be upset that he had to drive back to his home to be back at work tomorrow. fibbed to my daughter.

the tide has moved in silently and lifted my significant little boat and carried it out into the darkness. the heaven's are so black making the water even darker. what's darker than black? my soul. but if i lay back and look up at the sky, i can see millions of pinpricks of silver light. i'm also watching the moon get fuller so i guess the black night is not total.

i miss him so much. i'm thankful. i'm grateful. i'm careful. i'm dancing on the head of a pin. i know it defies God but i'd really like to talk to him one more time. how many have said that to their own darkness? they miss their loved ones. well, me, too.

but i have to try. if i listen very carefully, i can hear the soft rustle of dragon wings. i think it's him. i'm pretty sure it is. i think he's reconnoitering. i hope he doesn't see how bad i look. i hope he doesn't know how much i cry. i hope he doesn't sense the fear that probably emanates from me in waves. but it's a kind of comfort to believe/pretend that he's out there in the dark skies where he feels so at home. but then again, maybe he's waiting for me. maybe he does know how bad it is and from where his new perspective, he knows how good it will be when we're together again.

i'm going to go lay down now. shhhhhhh. i hear wings.


Suddenwidow said...

I'm so sorry you're not feeling well. I know how horrible that is, especially on your own, and I wish I was close enough to bring you honey lemon tea and sit by you.

Your Dragon is there, watching over you and knowing that although you are hurting so much now, when you are together again it will be wonderful. And time for our loved ones who have moved on is so different from our measure of time. Our minutes and hours drag on forever, but I believe that for them time moves in the blink of an eye. For some reason, it is not our time yet and we have a purpose to fulfill here before we can join our loves.

In the meantime, I have been told that as we fall asleep and first begin to wake up, we are the closest to our loves who have moved on to heaven. It is then that we can most easily sense them, communicate with them and hear their wings as they hover over us, watching and taking care of us. I hope that as you layed down tonight, you felt your Dragon close, as he moved in to watch over you for the night. He is there, he loves you immensely and until it's time for you to join him, we are here to listen, to care and to share your pain.

Thinking of you and hoping those iron weights are lifted soon.


Boo said...

I wondered if you would get ill ... because I think that the anticipation of these "big days" such as Thanksgiving stress us so ... we panic, "are we going to cope" etc etc, then afterwards it culminates in illness (for me usually at least). And that sucks because being ill makes it even worse, makes us feel more alone and vulnerable. I know.

You are a beautiful Mom - you even protect your children from your own hurt ... but I'm sure that children as intelligent and caring as yours will be under no illusion, yet are powerless to take the hurt away.

I believe that when we see our husbands again, we will realize how little time we had to suffer compared to the eternity we shall have with them ... but for now, THIS feels like an eternity in itself doesn't it?

Take time to gently ease yourself out of the complete darkness. Look for Jude's lighthouse, you will see it when you are ready, and until then, we shall hold you safe in our hearts.

Love always

womanNshadows said...

thank you both. i'm a little worse today. i just got up to check messages and i'm going back to bed. more Robitussin and crossing my fingers i can get this stuff out of my chest. i love you, Debbie and Boo. Debbie, you keep getting better and Boo, take care of yourself so you don't get sick and i want to see your sequined shoes. =0)

Boo said...

that moon photo is beautiful and sad at the same time .... have posted photo on the relevant post, however it wasn't full length, so will take photo of shoes when I get energy to do so!!!! How pathetic is THAT?

Keep warm, sleep well and know that I love you (both) too xxx

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