how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, November 30, 2009

she's coming.....

December 2nd is another full moon and on the 9th, it will be another month. 10 months. i'm sick and it's supposed to rain on the full moon. i'll have to get the photo the day before, catch it before the rain drowns my chance to commune with the loneliest woman i know. she lives "next door" and can only shine with borrowed light. like me. i only shined standing beside my Dragon.

i've read that women and the moon are linked all through history. now i am intrinsically linked to her because she watched me become the shattered woman that i am. she was full the night the Dragon's soul flew past her to wherever Dragon's go.

i wonder if the peace and freedom of getting to leave his battered body prevented him from looking back at us, at me?

i always look up. always. whether day or night. up is where i believe he is. and my moon. my equally lonely friend. she had visitors once, but they never returned. they used her, then left her alone. busy, don't you know.

i wonder if my Dragon is busy. i wonder if he's thinking of me. i wonder things i'm not supposed to wonder if i'm to journey ahead on this path i've been set upon. all i know is all i feel. and i feel misery. i feel sick. i feel fear. and i feel bereft of my Dragon.

maybe when i get well, i'll come out of this pit of despair. in the meantime, i can be found gazing at my moon. the fullness of her beauty and abilities is coming back 'round again, and she and i have shared memories to discuss.


judemiller1 said...

When I drew the plans for my new home, that I now find out I am never going to get, my bedroom was on the south-west corner of the house so the full moon would shine in through the windows all night long. I had a bedroom like that one time and loved to sleep with the full moon shining on my face. She watches over all of us.

Boo said...

oh I'm sure that your Dragon stayed with you quite a while - he would not have left you alone in those early days. I could feel Cliff's spirit at home during the first few weeks.

I looked up at the moon last night - it was beautiful, and I thought it looked full, but not quite, and wondered if you were looking at it at the same time.

10 months for you.
11 months for me and Kim.

When do we stop counting? Maybe we don't.

I hope you start to feel better soon, and also that when the full moon changes that your spirit is lifted.

Keep warm

Widow in the Middle said...

When I moved to the apartment one thing that really upset me was that the none of the windows provided a view of the moon. In my old house, the moon was always a vivid presence in my bedroom and the front picture window.

I saw the moon last night and it never ceases to take my breath away. She comes back month after month without fail. And always with that same beauty and intensity. I am glad you have found a symbol that is providing you with some sort of comfort. That the full moon was there to the light the way for your Dragon's journey is very moving.

womanNshadows said...

jude, i'm sorry one of your dreams didn't come true. i think we always keep those dreams in the backs of our minds.

Boo, fortunately the earth has turned so that i can see the moon rise from my apartment balcony. i no longer have to go outside to the parking lot. as for counting, i don't know when, or if. it's a double-edged sword. i'm still sick. i get up and work for a while and then slump on the sofa. hopefully soon i'll get all this stuff out of my chest.

Widow in the Middle, after he died and i left the hospital, i stood outside in the subzero temperature just staring at the moon. only when my fingers and nose burned from the cold did i go back inside. she is a symbol of the night he died and seemed to be the sole person awake throughout that terrible night. she kept vigil with me as i sat straight up in a chair awaiting for it to be all a horrible dream.

Daniel Cano said...

I love your imagery of the moon as your lonely companion. I've always sensed a calmness about the moon. She is there making her presence known, yet in a modest quiet way.

I have a tattoo that has a bit of a yin yang quality. It represents my two oldest children. My daughter is represented as the moon, which provides a nice balance to the sun's blinding fire.

There's the old saying, misery loves company. All I know is that misery needs company. I'm glad you know that by days end, she will have arrived.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...




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