how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Bunny's Mansion ~ part four

this just in. Bunny is having a moment. the weekend is coming and she is having a relapse of her pensive mood from Thursday so she is posting the final photos of her mansion now. she is also going to reveal what she had thought of as progress though, as she claims at this time, "whooptie big deal."

the first photo of her room behind the mystery veil is the northeast corner. we see paper lantern covered twinkle lights. these were the lights that adorned her bedroom on her wedding night. she doesn't plug them in anymore but they are up.

leaning against the wall is her Dragon's backpack and on top of that is his old bivvy bag that survived his last 2 tours in Vietnam. his first bivvy bag did not survive his first tour. Bunny didn't tell us the story though we know she knows.

on top of the bivvy bag, from left to right, joining Bunny, is Ted who is exactly 52 years old, Lamb who is almost 24 years old and belongs to her son though he doesn't want it in his house since he is a single man and a Lamb would be hard to explain, Snoopy who doesn't need any explanation since he is also Joe Cool, and Jesus. now Jesus we need to explain. Bunny taught the sacraments of First Reconciliation and First Communion to 2nd graders in her old parish for 11 years. she found Jesus to be a comforting presence in the classroom for 7 and 8 year olds who were already tired from a full day of school.

this photo is of the southeast corner. here you see Bunny's "wind horses." they are Tibetan prayer flags that Bunny isn't allowed to hang out on her balcony because of tidiness rules. you see Bunny's desk that has lots of stuff in it and on top. between her closet doors are the collars of all the dogs she's loved over the years from her first dog when she was 7 until the Scottie who died 5 years ago whose remains are in the urn sitting on the floor. and hanging on the closet knob is her Dragon's Alice pack. it was with him in Vietnam. it is with Bunny now. no words are necessary about it. it is sacred.

now here we have Bunny's southwest corner. you can see the continuation of the "wind horses," better see the collar shrine and urn, and now Bunny's dresser has come into view. also a really big piece of driftwood that is strung with colored twinkle lights. on the floor are some of her Dragon's clothes that she has selected for quilts for her daughter and son.

lastly, Bunny's bed and the announcement. the paper lantern twinkle lights end over the window. a crazy quilt made from her children's baby clothes hangs on the wall. another crazy quilt made of scraps hangs above the bed. a unicorn tapestry hangs over the bed so that when Bunny lays down, she's looking at a beautiful unicorn and stars, lots of stars. on old quilt she made a long time ago is her bedspread. and here's the announcement.

Bunny put sheets on her bed. when Bunny first moved here, she slept on the sofa. for almost 5 months, she could not face getting into bed alone. but her back started bothering her. the sofa is too short for Bunny, so she finally moved to the bed. but then, all this time, Bunny has been sleeping on a blanket with a quilt pulled over her.

but now she felt she could actually sleep in the bed - with sheets - like a grown up. she has her pillow with Dragon's picture on it. she likes to pretend Dragon is still with her, standing guard over her while she sleeps.

so that is Bunny's mansion. we are proud of Bunny but we see she isn't paying attention to us anymore. she's looking up at the stars and has a far away look in her eyes. Bunny's eyes are misty and she's remote. she's gone were all widows and widowers go when they become wistful and melancholy.

we will leave Bunny to the rest of her day. we hope to hear from her again soon, but as one tear escapes and slides down her face, we back out of her room, down the hall, past the kitchen, the living room, her office, and her studio. we open her door, turn the lock, and pull it shut.

have a good weekend, Bunny. maybe you could take a little break and sit on your balcony. maybe you could draw. or work on your novels. we want Bunny to be better but we know it's going to take some time. maybe a lot of time.


Suddenwidow said...

I have enjoyed the tours of your place, and the funny and slightly sarcastic tone has been entertaining and brought smiles to my face. Thank you for sharing. You are an entertaining story teller.

I think your big announcement is huge and a major sign that you are moving forward. It's baby steps for all of us, and I'm proud of you for making such a big step! You've gone back to sheets in your bed and I cleaned out my closet. Wow! Enough progress for this week!

Last night went well - always a positive experience for me. I'll email you about it later today or tomorrow. I'm still processing things in my mind and heart.

Have a peaceful weekend. Talk to you later.
Love Deb

judemiller1 said...

Love the pictures of the Scotties--I love Scotties. Always wanted one, but never had--only glass and ceramic ones and one to hang on the Christmas tree.

Loved looking at Bunny's home--it feels nice and warm and comforting. I have stars on my bedroom ceiling that hold the light after the ceiling light is turned off. And a sea gull mobile that hangs under the ceiling light--they swoop and sway in the breeze from the furnace/AC.

I also have round tables covered in cloth--I couldn't afford wooden chair tables, so I got those pressed wood ones and put cloths on them to match my bedspread/drapes. The one by my chair holds my floss, crochet hooks, Extra strength Tylenol for my painful hip, a pair of small Stork scissors. It is a mess--a jumble of things I need so I don't have to get up to get everything when I need it.

People might think it is cluttered, but then, I never have company, so why would I care.

I love your home. So comforting.

Anonymous said...

Dear Lady,

I came back to listen to your music and saw this here. Your bedroom, your whole place is soft and warm and homey. I remember the bivvy sack, the Alice pack, God I remember all of that. I tossed mine so long ago. He kept his, huh. I know it means a lot to you now. I'm sorry you're sad tonight. I wish I could help. I don't know how to help with sadness but I wish I could. I'll be thinking about you and wishing you could feel your husband close to you. I know he'd never leave you.

Semper Fi

twinmom said...

Loved getting a glimpse of your colorful home. You are a delightful and intriguing personality. Dragon knew full well he had found a keeper. Thank you for sharing all of this with the rest of us.

Widow in the Middle said...

It is nice to be able to have a more complete picture of you in your home environment. You have opened up this part of your life to us and shared it with humor and trust. My home space is always a bit of a mess so I wouldn't be as brave as you! Those little dogs of yours are too cute for their own good!

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