how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Dragon turned loose

Dragon is fourth from the left? the breadth of his shoulders and back look right. he told me of one time when you had a war photographer with you, but he never had any of the photos.

i miss him telling me his stories. i pray he felt good about himself before he died. i pray for him every day. i talk to him every day. a lot. i wish he were still here. i miss him so very much. it almost seems wrong that the world, that life can go on without him.

there should not be a world without a dragon in it.
thank you for calling and getting a copy of the photo. thank you for sending it to me.


Anonymous said...

Dearest WomanNshadows,

It took me a few weeks but I knew there still had to be some copies of something somewhere. We did cover that guy's ass through that time and get him back alive to not be given a copy of one of his pictures.

Yes, your husband is fourth from the left and I am behind him. 3, 4, and 5 to the right made up our fire team. The first 3 on the far left are from another team of 5 dropped - each with our own agenda. It was 6 days from that photograph that he earned the name Dragon. His and my 2nd tour of duty, our first together. He did one more after that as you well know. He kept us alive. I'll never forget or be able to do enough for him. That whole deal was bad, bad, from the beginning but he had an instinct I never saw ever again. He was very good at being a Dragon. I was always glad to work with him.

And dear woman, you gave him a peace of mind that I know he had searched for the rest of his life, until he met you. Then his search was over. Love, acceptance, rest. With you he was at peace. Please don't doubt that though I know well enough what being alone in the dead of night can do.

Thank you for your gift of friendship to me. Writing back and forth has been good for me in a way nothing ever has. You always know what to say. Your blind acceptance of what we had to do is a gift that always amazed your husband, and now I will always be grateful for.

Anytime, anyplace, anything you need.

Semper Fi

judemiller1 said...

Wow. I so admire Dragon and Anon for all they did for the rest of us here back home.

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