how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

the death of kickass bunny

this morning, something terrible happened that i simply cannot shake. i am writing about it to try to let some of it go.

there was a bunny who lived in the stand of trees across from my apartment. when i first noticed him, i always walked my dogs away from him (or her) and spoke softly to him. i gave him his part of the yard because i love him. he is so handsome. he guarded a tree directly across from my balcony and one day i saw this phenomenal act of nature. i caught it as a series of photos and that is when i named him "kickass bunny."

there was this standoff. i could see kickass bunny trembling, but he held the crow's stare with a steely one of his own.

he countered every move the crow made. kickass bunny was not going to back down.

then i watched the big chase. every action film has one. reality proved no less action packed.

kickass bunny gave no ground and kept after that crow until it flew away. i was so relieved.

day after day i watched over kickass bunny. i even alerted the front office to tell the yard men to be careful when they mowed. and they were. i was thrilled after they left to see kickass bunny bounding back out in the yard.

we had this relationship, imagined on my part. i felt he had gotten used to me and my dogs. i never let them bark at him. we always gave him a wide berth. he was kickass bunny and he deserved the respect of distance. he had grown used to me, i felt. he had stopped cowering and had started raising himself up on his back legs to see me. his ears would move forward as if he were curious about me but not afraid. his little nose would twitch just a little bit. he never seemed nervous when i was around. and so i fell in love with kickass bunny.

this morning, two dogs off leash with no owner in sight targeted my little kickass bunny. they worked in tandem and killed him. i heard his scream. i will never forget that sound. i saw the dogs trotting off into the woods, one of them carrying his limp bunny body in its mouth.

i have been crying off and on all day. i will never see his little head pop up out of the grass again. he is gone. he died in terror. i know. it is nature. dogs will be dogs. but there is a leash law here and i cannot stop myself from viciously thinking that if those dogs had been on a leash, my kickass bunny would be settling in for the night tonight. and i would see him in the morning. it is a stupid thing to be upset over, but it was that scream. such a soul-wrenching sound from a silent little bunny.

i let myself get attached. but it isn't as if he died of natural causes, or just disappeared one day to never return. i saw it happen and it was pointless. i am angry about it and so very upset.

i will miss you so very much, kickass bunny. i think i am crying over you because, well, to be perfectly honest, i sort of thought maybe my Dragon had shown up in bunny form to come check on me. like my own personal version of "To Dance With The White Dog."

i love you, kickass bunny. i will never forget you.


Supa Dupa Fresh said...

This is so very sad. I'm really sorry. You're still totally kickass, though. I mean, who names a bunny that?


Suddenwidow said...

I'm so sorry for the tragedy you had to witness today. It drives me crazy when pet owners do not take responsibility for their pets! I wish I could help in some way. I am here thinking of you and praying you find some peace tonight.

Anonymous said...

Dearest WomanNshadows,

I am so very sorry. It's stuff like this that gets me angry. (I cleaned up my language for you.) Leash laws are there for a reason. I agree, it is senseless. You're a sensitive woman who is down and didn't need this pressing down on you tonight of all nights. I'm so sorry. I wish I could do something. I'm here if you need me.

Semper Fi

twinmom said...

HUGS HUGS HUGS. I'm so sorry about your bunny friend. More HUGS.

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

oh no! What a horrific thing to witness. poor bunny. I want to kick those dogs' butts!!

womanNshadows said...

thank you everyone. i have accepted that whole circle of life crap. it helped to see three more bunnies out there very early this morning.

judemiller1 said...

I have heard that scream--it pierces the soul. Mine was when my Daddy killed my pet rabbits--I had 4, he killed 2, I took the other 2 off to the woods and freedom. Maybe KickAss bunny was part of a nest of bunnies and the rest are his brothers and sisters--I hate that this happened. I truly have loved bunnies all my life .

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