how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


i have no words for this. i cannot speak to another month passing under the light of a full moon. that i miss him? oh, God, yes. that i want him back? t'would be my fondest desire yet unnatural. that i want to join him? it is not for me to choose the time or the how.

that i have to keep going? yes. i draw for him. i sew for him. i quilt for him. i write for him. i hope he can see. i hope he is proud. i close my eyes and remember all the other things i have made, and here his voice as he complimented me, and his eyes, that twinkle, that softening as his love put its warmth around me. he was my biggest fan.

i hope he is waiting.

please, dearest God, let him be waiting for me. "i want him so. i need him so. i love him so."


Anonymous said...

Dear WomanNshadows,

I can't look at the moon in the same way ever again. I'll always see your Dragon for that's how I think of him. He was never the Marine Corps', he was always yours. He'll always be yours. Woman, you have it within you to bring tears to my eyes and I haven't cried since Vietnam. I wish for the time to pass to lessen your pain. I am always here for you.

Semper Fi

judemiller1 said...

Beautiful moon. Even I can see Dragon in it.

Suddenwidow said...

As I was outside last night in the dusk and the almost full moon was shining brightly on our little town, I thought of you and your Dragon. He is waiting and loving you.

jseven said...

So sorry for your pain, I stumbled across your blog searching for a poem for my grief and comfort blog about my mother.

My ex husband passed away eight months ago and I have grieved hard as the ex wife. Hope things lighten up for you, God bless.

womanNshadows said...

thank you all. on the nights that the moon is its fullest, i fall up to the sky.

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