how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Baz Luhrmann nailed it

"The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday." ~ Baz Luhrmann

i have been drifting along in open water to where ever the currents take me. i work very hard. i am looking for part-time and/or full-time work but it has been hard for me. i have no vehicle. i take the bus to job interviews, if i get one. i have one pair of pants that i wear over and over to these. mostly i am put in the pile of "when we have an opening we'll revisit your resume."

on top of this, the city is imposing new budget cuts. they are closing 16 branches of the library which puts 200 employees out of work starting June 1st. the rest of the cuts affect the schools and parks and recreation putting another 228 people out of work. also the local county VA is fighting to keep its doors open. it was a place where i was in line for free grief counseling. i need to talk about this depression. i need to talk about my life and what has happened and is happening. that will not be happening now. i am still on my own with this.

and then this morning i get an email from my ex that yanks the choke chain. he is overburdened and deadwood has to be cut. i am deadwood. my children and i are scratching in the dirt. i called the VA told them my situation. they were very sympathetic. the man put in a message up the chain to try and push my application on through. i am altering my resume yet again. i presently have 5 versions of it to fit any and all potential jobs i could apply for. and my daughter is taking me on my next day off to apply for food stamps.

i did get an email from a widow who wants 2 quilts and some sock animals. i am relieved and humbled for that. she is not on Facebook and knows i live in the United States. fortunately, she was not involved in all that, nor does she care about it. she found me through this blog and my creative one that corresponds. and then, in turn, my business site. knowing i have her quilt orders and sock animals coming has not lessened the panic but it has helped me from jumping off the balcony which would serve no purpose as i would only hurt my ankle and make life even more difficult.

right now, i am panicking. we'll figure this out but when you first get the heel of the palm in the chest, you cannot get your breath.

when i was little, i wanted to find love and be married. i wanted to get away from my parents whom i did not feel safe with. i was married for 20 years trying to make it work, trying to stay safe, until i was allowed to be free. then i met my Dragon and i was safe with him. we had food. we had a roof. we took care of my children. we had a hard scrabble existence but we shared in it. he protected me but now he is gone. i am alone and vulnerable and i am so very scared and tired. everything is magnified when you are scared.

i am worried about going to San Diego. correction. terrified. i have no idea what to expect. i know. if you go with goodness in your heart and great expectations, then you will receive it. i have tried that and it can so quickly turn at the drop of a word. what frame of mind do i adopt? are any of the people who emailed going? i am keeping as low a profile on FB as i can and yet still be part of the Cloud Project, still talk to my son through the chat thing, and my constant friend. back when this was all going on i allowed him to network in to my computer and check my emails for a while. if the names coincided with people on my list of friends, he left them alone. the ones that came through from outside, he opened and read. he would speak of them to me before deleting without my having to face the venom. there were 3 that were vicious, bordering on bad enough that he sent them along to whoever is in charge of Cyber Bad Stuff. i do not know the government initials that handles that nor what was contained in the letters. he patiently took on this drama over for me and he put a stop to it. he no longer networks in. my Dragon would be happy that i had this buffer because to tell you, i did not know how to handle it. and facing it was too much with everything else i worry about.

i am working very hard for Camp Widow. i am sewing constantly. well, not at this moment, but i do have to take breaks. the arthritis gloves get hot and my hands get stiff. i have been blessed with being given a booth or table, however it is laid out, in San Diego and i will set up and sit and wait and see what happens. but after all that happened, i do not know what to expect. how will it go? do these people travel in packs like piranha? these are rhetorical questions that there are no answers to. it will either be okay, or it will not. no one can anticipate what people will do. slammed and slammed again, i have no idea but i will be ready for anything. the tension of it is bringing me down though. one local widow here who knew about all this asked me if i was going with my suit of armor. i joked back that my chain mail was all ready, but the reality is i do not have any armor. my Dragon was my armor. and i was his. but he is gone and i am as unsafe as i have ever been; as unsafe as i was living with my parents, and as unsafe as i was for 20 years. i wish my Dragon had not had to leave me.

i need something to start breaking for me. it has been a long life and i am so tired. i am so scared. this is all on me, me and my children. they are making me so proud and so grateful coming together as they have today to work on this.

it's funny. growing up i never ever dreamed big. all i ever wanted was to love and be loved. i wanted a little home and a family. i never wanted the fancy place in a fancy neighborhood with lots of money and a high social profile. i wanted a studio to work in, to be together and deal with life as it came, but always together. when my Dragon and i found each other, i could see us getting old together. that is not going to happen anymore but i feel i have aged 20 years.

and now today. the email that i never thought would come has arrived. dear, God, even after all this time, after all that's happened to me, and after all the penance i have done, all that will ever happen for me is to continue to crawl through this life.

i am trying to figure out how to disable the comments because there really is nothing anyone can say. hopefully i can i do it. or i will fail and it will be open. i do not know. i only wrote this to be found, much like Lt. Cap. Dimitri Kolesnikov's message to his wife before he died in the Russian sub, the Kursk. he knew he would never see an answer to his letter just as i know there is no answer to what is happening in my life. it is more about knowing that someone may read it, and maybe think about who was here, and what happened. it is more about using the freedom to write from the darkest fear and loneliness, and to break the silence that either death can impose or the hardships that come our way to change even the way with breathe.

there is no reason for reaching out to people who may or may not be there, or who may or may not care, but it is one of those things that defines us, and at least to me, proves that each human has a soul. if this life is filled with fear, terror, and pain, then maybe the soul can find true peace after it is freed from the body. i can only hope.


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