how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Bunny at 15 months out

it is 15 months today. it is just after 9 AM and i am weary. i keep thinking of the Saracen Tower escape. i realize there are as many options as i have an imagination out there waiting yet financially the wherewithal is as limited as a choice of one. pick a card and there is only one in the hand that offers. so i pick, uh, that one. thank you. no, seriously, thank you. i am grateful to have the apartment. in 10 weeks when i am allowed to eat regularly i believe it will be better. hunger and pain do are not easy to live with for 3 months but there is that light at the end of the tunnel the last week in July. some do not have the knowledge of a light.

i am hopeful that if and when the VA determines what my husband's time spent as a Marine is worth, i can make a couple of changes. it is a dream and all i have at the moment. i can make it enough.

for now, i have my Saracen Tower fantasy to serve me until reality forces itself on me. so here she is in all her silence. Beach Bunny making a break for it in her mind. inside our minds is all we have. we can be beaten. we can be broken. we can be made to serve. but no one can take our minds ~ unless sodium pentathol is involved and then it is all up in the air. {parenthetically speaking - my Dragon knew how to beat it. it comes with on the job training. the man had his stories. i really miss that side of him.}

dreaming of the Saracen Tower that is for sale, Bunny stares at her photos of it, of the little village that sits quietly in the valley carved out so long ago. she has her fantasies of living there in an "Under the Tuscan Sun" vision. guess it would be "Under the French Sun" which does not flow off the tongue as nicely but it is where the Tower is located.

she sees the lovely village and imagines all sorts of eccentric souls living there who would be her friends. open air markets, cobblestone avenues, smiling people who would take the time to know her and who would be happy to see her. and Bunny would sew for them and take pictures, maybe make stained glass for the church or for little restaurants there. she would carve wood for them into scenes that try to capture the ephemeral beauty of living in such a place.

so many fragile silk threads that weave together to create a full fantasy. Bunny has the silk thread. Bunny knows how to weave. she does it all by hand, and in the creative part of her mind.

Bunny would love to meet the ironwork artist who created the massive gate that protects the Tower's entrance. the large, round stone that is encircled by an iron arm makes Bunny think of things that have no beginning and no end, like her love for her Dragon. Bunny thinks the artist would understand this because no one can create such tender beauty from such an unforgiving medium without understanding love.

Bunny stares wistfully at the kitchen 3 stories off the ground. she knows how much her Dragon would have loved to cook in such a kitchen. he loved cooking and Bunny loved watching him. spices and herbs were his speciality. Bunny's speciality was growing them. she imagines Dragon calling down to her from 3 stories up while she is in her garden. "oregano, and some thyme. and parsley. you love parsley. bring some of that up, too, my love." Bunny would never have taken for granted the peace of their little world there in the Tower.

the bedroom is at the highest level of the tower and Bunny imagines the view out the window. if she could live there with her Dragon, the 875 year old stone walls would feel the deep love and enormous peace that emanated from them as they loved then slept there in a tangle of arms and legs. as life played out, Bunny knows she would set up her computer in this highest room to write her books. she would gaze out at the mountains and the village for inspiration. up this high, Bunny is closer to Heaven. and her Dragon.

today Bunny's Dragon has been in Heaven for 15 months. that is a long time for her. not as long as for some nor as long as it will be for Bunny. it is longer than others at this point and Bunny feels sorrow for their grief. Bunny does not compare or contrast. grief is what it is.

what Bunny does do is live in her head. it is where her memories of her beloved Dragon are. it is where she centers herself to try and find peace. it is where all her creativity comes from. Bunny protects her mind. it is pretty much all she has left since she gave her heart to her Dragon so he has something to remember her by while they are apart.

Bunny lives in a kind of tower as it were. she looks for friends. she has few options but she has not given up. Bunny is constantly on the look out for friends. she tries very hard. she has gotten her hands slapped but Bunny has been hit before. stinging is not the same thing as hurting.

so, until Bunny can find a friend, or a friend finds Bunny, she has her little Saracen Tower fantasy. she lives there when life is hard to face. she smiles there when there is nothing to smile about. Bunny does imagine living there with her Dragon, but even in her fantasies, she can quazi-face the reality that he has died and flown to Heaven. so Bunny brings him to the Saracen Tower with her. she keeps her Dragon safe inside her mind. her love for him is active. she cannot control her love. see, Dragon was that cool. a one-of-a-kind sort of man for Bunny. the only Dragon Bunny wants. like the Highlander says, "there can be only one."
i love you, Dragon. i miss you. you are my dream and my fantasy. all i have to do is close my eyes.


Anonymous said...

This is beautiful. Poignant. I had to go look it up but it's the word I want. I'm your friend. Add to your fantasy that I live in the village below the tower. I'll be the expat who makes sure you're safe. I owe your husband my life twice. It would be my honor.

I'm glad you let me call you last night. I still have my opinion about it but I know you want and need peace. I pray you find some today through your beautiful artwork - the price of which is incalculable since I know how much of your soul goes into each piece.

Semper Fi, Dear Lady.


Suzann said...

Walking by your side - golden light dear sister in sorrow. Suzann

Kim said...

it would be hard for me not to follow you there if this were real life. it sounds magical and beautiful - you have a friend in me, i read every post as well. more times than not, however, you just simply leave me speechless. love to you and your dragon.

Dan, in real time. said...

You have been in my thoughts today. I have been aware of this being your 15th month. I have found that each of these anniversaries carry a new depth of emotion and growth. Mostly it is filled with growing pains.

I wish you peace tonight.


Suddenwidow said...

Every milestone is so hard on the heart, as it is just one more reminder that we are moving farther away from when they were last here.

I hope you found a little peace today and I sure hope your tooth/gum is starting to feel better!

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