how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Marine Corps ~ Force Recon

yesterday was my Monday with my daughter. i took my poor tired camera with me because the clouds were so interesting. i saw an E cloud and i took this photograph. E is the first letter in my daughter's name. i told her God made the cloud for her. she rolled her eyes. but she did laugh. and that's all i wanted.
so day became night and it was okay. i was okay. i had gotten up and worked until she was ready to come get me. we took me to get quilt batting and then on to Wal-Mart for groceries. i was going fine. we talked about my Dragon and it was good. i got home and put the groceries away then got back to work.

and i was fine. until a show came on at 10 pm and i was riveted. "The Marines." it was an hour and a half long show of the making of a Marine. from boot camp, through officers training, some sniper training though they did not show a lot of it, and speciality combat training.

my Dragon was a Marine Force Recon. he was part of the 1st Force Recon in Vietnam doing 3 tours. after that he did so much more for his country. he did HALO dives in the dead of night. he taught hand-to-hand combat. he was sent out on missions, decades of service to this country. he led sort of a secret life, one i would love to speak to. but promises are promises. i will keep mine to him and let his secrets die with me.

Memorial Day is coming. to him and i it was more than lawn day, or having a cook-out, or even a parade that meant nothing more than parents' had to get their children dropped off by their band or their scout troop. it meant so much more.

my Dragon is a realist but he also embodies the idealism that i have seen in every Marine i have ever had the honor to meet. he believes in God, Country, Corps. he knew the history of the Corps, the battles fought, the strategies used, and never wanted to let that legacy down. he did not let his beloved Corps down. nor his country.
i talk about his stories. i wrote that they are being continued and fleshed out by my constant friend. i never thought i would get to have more of his stories when he died. i cannot thank you, my constant friend, enough for the lift to my spirits. i do need it. it is a crutch i know but without him, i feel like i am spiritually crippled. he is everything to me.

i watched the Marine program. i thought to myself, he stood on those yellow footsteps. he went through the Crucible. he spent 3 tours in Vietnam. he is a sniper. he excelled at all the training he received and kept true to the warrior ethos of the Marine Corps.

i miss him so much. i cried until i feel asleep. it got to the point where i ran out of tears but my body kept heaving with these deep sobs. i miss him. after being with him, everything is pale in comparison. he is my husband. he is my Dragon. he is my Marine and i am so proud of him. i dread another Memorial Day without him. i dread today without him.

i have no idea how to be happy yet. i am only happy thinking of and talking about him and even in that it is bittersweet because he is no longer here.

the 31st is Memorial Day. the full moon will be 3 days passed. it's fitting.


m said...

good morning....
NOT a "crutch" to need stories and memories shared. I can do that to myself, too - tell myself I should not need what I need. If anything brings you true comfort and connection, it is good.

And when one is broken, one needs crutches; crutches are part of healing. What feels like ages ago now, though it was around ash wednesday, I went to church (during Off Hours), and just sobbed, apologizing to matt and to god that I was so broken, that I was not beaming love and prayers to him enough, that I was not stronger or better or more peaceful. I could see and hear and feel matt and whatever other Force reminding me of when Matt's back went out and he couldn't walk. I carried him down the stairs and into the car to get to the hospital, he leaned on me to get to the bathroom, and leaned on me to get into the doctor's office - all of those images. I would never have expected him to get over it, suck it up, and do it alone. I would not have expected him to pray for me in that moment, nor would I tell him he should be stronger. And I heard: Why Would It be So For You Now? He would do no less for you now, in this pain, than you did for him. It is right to be destroyed and in pain, and it is RIGHT to lean.
Crutches are necessary support after amputation and breaking.

Well. This is a much longer comment than I expected to make, and I mixed my Crutch metaphors. Whether stories are or are not a crutch, said crutches are necessary when your legs are cut out from under you.

Anonymous said...

My Dear womanNshadows,

As you know, he was our fireteam leader his 2nd tour in and we all came out alive because of him. His hand-to-hand training was required. Your husband was a tough Marine, one of the Old Breed and one of the very best. He earned every one of his medals with blood and nightmares. And now when Marines put on their Dress Blues and people see the Blood Stripe down the leg, your husband is counted as part of the legacy of the Corps.

I'm humbly honored to be able to talk to you about him. And your wanting and needing stories about him isn't a crutch. It is honoring him. Every recruit is taught the history of the Corps. Our stories about him is keeping that flame alive and burning bright. He deserves no less.

Semper Fi, dear Lady.

Anonymous said...

as a crutch it is not. memories of the fallen brothers of the marine corps, is what makes them immortal! keeping the memory alive everyday and speaking of the stories and remembering him in such a way is honoring him. I salute your courage and I bow my head in honor of you both. so don't mourn the passing, celeabrete his life. God bless and Semper Fi.

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