how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

loose ends

i am at loose ends. see them all? bits and pieces of colored threads are all over me, all over my apartment. i vacuum everyday. and then i sit down to work for about 12 - 15 hours and when i get up to go to bed, there they are. all over me, all over the place.

loose threads.

loose ends. me ~ at loose ends. it's a metaphor.

i feel myself quietly falling apart. or, i fell apart when i saw them coming to me to tell me he had died and i have not, as of yet, put myself together.

my heart is gone. i know i have told you that. i do not feel it anymore. but that's okay because i know where it is. my Dragon has it in his safe keeping. knowing i was not going to be going with him this trip, it was all i had to give. i need my mind, but since he had to leave me, he can have my heart.

i won't be needing it here anymore.

i have settled into depression. it is the kind that there is no pill for. i miss him. i love him. i wish he were here for me to talk to. i would even settle for talking to him on a sat phone if only i could know that he was somewhere on the planet. his voice did such lovely, warm things to my insides.

i look at his urn and i cannot believe he is inside there. he is larger than life, a myth come to life. how can he be reduced to that?
but it is his soul that is larger than life. his soul that filled the room, filled my heart, my life, my whole world. and his soul is not in there; just the part of him that i could hug.

i still cry at the drop of a hat. the tears are not going away. i drink green tea and V8 all day to keep me hydrated. i do not know what to do with myself. i feel listless. i feel empty.

i feel like my soul is gone from me. it is off out there somewhere aching, crying, calling for its mate. i still have to be here and be alive, but my soul at least has the power to grieve properly, wildly, deeply. very Queen Victoria-like.

my whole life has been turned upside down and all the stuffing is rushing to my head. and i am at loose ends without him.
we were going to go out together, "Bicentennial Man"-ish. holding hands. very old. ready to take the next step. together. but someone screwed up the scheduling. he did not get to "grow old along with me." we are not together.

they made him go by himself. and i would like proof from an angel that he's okay. okay?

please?

hello, God?

i'm at loose ends here.

okay, well, You're busy. but at least note that in all my prayers through the day, i ask to be reunited with him, on Your timetable, of course. i am not pressuring You, just begging. i do not want to make You mad.

please. he needs me and i need him.

marriage is a sacrament and he and i took our sacrament very seriously.

and love is the most powerful force in the universe, and can conquer time. "faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

and i love him with all my heart and soul.

so, is that a yes?

10 comments:

Kim said...

tears on this side for you and for us.... :(

bev said...

WnS,
It's nice to "see" you. You are as I imagined you to be - beautiful and strong - a perfect match for The Dragon.
I hope you can pick up those loose ends and find a way to make use of them - to bring them back together. Maybe to make or do something outside of the box.

Anonymous said...

My dearest womanNshadows,

Your grief is very Queen Victoria-like. The great pain that losing your husband has left you with humbles me. Your creativity touches me. You create so many beautiful things, through your writing, through the things you sew, through simply living and feeling your sorrow so profoundly.

He loves you and he's waiting, just as you would have waited for him. I don't have proof. I just have that gut feeling because I know how much he worshipped you. He could never leave you behind.

I am proud of you for posting your picture, well, your reflection. It is a very fitting image of you.

Your constant friend, Brick.
Semper Fi

Dan said...

Woman out of the Shadows.

Even if only out of the shadows for a brief moment, I am proud that you took this step.

Always an admirer,

Dan

Judy Miller said...

I was looking for the moon and then...I saw you over there and I smiled. I am so glad to finally meet you. Steady on Dear Friend.

womanNshadows said...

Kim, i weep for us all. thank you for stopping by.

Bev, being "seen" is enormous for me. reasons are my own. i am taking all the loose ends and trying to make something good from what he left behind.

Brick, my friend, the giver of the stories, i will never tire of hearing your steady voice on the phone, patient, confident, telling me what i need to hear. you are grace personified.

Dan, =0} it was something i guess it was time for. although i may dye my hair black and go goth for San Diego. =0)

Judy, my moon is posted on Facebook. in fact, i just put up a new photo folder of all my moons with their dates. tonight the nearness of the full moon is too much to write about. maybe tomorrow.

peace to you all.

Dan, in real time. said...

If you go goth would that make you Woman N Dark Shadows?

Suddenwidow said...

I'm so proud of you for posting your picture! I was kind of wondering how I'd know you at the airport in San Diego! But now I think I'll be able to find you!

Dan, in real time. said...

I'm back. I came back to your blog to read again. This time I didn't have my laptop on mute. One of my all time voices, and songs, began to play. Oh me, Oh my. You moved me to tears.

womanNshadows said...

Suddenwidow, i would have found you, but that photo is the least heinous and it just seemed okay to slip it in unannounced.

Dan, womanNDarkShadows. i love it. if anyone asks you to choose either Team Jacob or Edward, say Barnabus. i am glad you like the song. it has been one of my favorites since it was released. my Dragon and i used to dance to it as we sang it to each other. when someone finally put it up on playlist i grabbed it. it brings me to tears now also.

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