loose ends

i am at loose ends. see them all? bits and pieces of colored threads are all over me, all over my apartment. i vacuum everyday. and then i sit down to work for about 12 - 15 hours and when i get up to go to bed, there they are. all over me, all over the place.

loose threads.

loose ends. me ~ at loose ends. it's a metaphor.

i feel myself quietly falling apart. or, i fell apart when i saw them coming to me to tell me he had died and i have not, as of yet, put myself together.

my heart is gone. i know i have told you that. i do not feel it anymore. but that's okay because i know where it is. my Dragon has it in his safe keeping. knowing i was not going to be going with him this trip, it was all i had to give. i need my mind, but since he had to leave me, he can have my heart.

i won't be needing it here anymore.

i have settled into depression. it is the kind that there is no pill for. i miss him. i love him. i wish he were here for me to talk to. i would even settle for talking to him on a sat phone if only i could know that he was somewhere on the planet. his voice did such lovely, warm things to my insides.

i look at his urn and i cannot believe he is inside there. he is larger than life, a myth come to life. how can he be reduced to that?
but it is his soul that is larger than life. his soul that filled the room, filled my heart, my life, my whole world. and his soul is not in there; just the part of him that i could hug.

i still cry at the drop of a hat. the tears are not going away. i drink green tea and V8 all day to keep me hydrated. i do not know what to do with myself. i feel listless. i feel empty.

i feel like my soul is gone from me. it is off out there somewhere aching, crying, calling for its mate. i still have to be here and be alive, but my soul at least has the power to grieve properly, wildly, deeply. very Queen Victoria-like.

my whole life has been turned upside down and all the stuffing is rushing to my head. and i am at loose ends without him.
we were going to go out together, "Bicentennial Man"-ish. holding hands. very old. ready to take the next step. together. but someone screwed up the scheduling. he did not get to "grow old along with me." we are not together.

they made him go by himself. and i would like proof from an angel that he's okay. okay?

please?

hello, God?

i'm at loose ends here.

okay, well, You're busy. but at least note that in all my prayers through the day, i ask to be reunited with him, on Your timetable, of course. i am not pressuring You, just begging. i do not want to make You mad.

please. he needs me and i need him.

marriage is a sacrament and he and i took our sacrament very seriously.

and love is the most powerful force in the universe, and can conquer time. "faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

and i love him with all my heart and soul.

so, is that a yes?