how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

old photos

my dearest Dragon, my lovely soul,

it's another Sunday. in one week and 14 hours, you will have been gone from me for 15 months. and i feel it. in my mind, on my skin, in my lungs, and where my heart used to be.

i still cry. often. i do not know if that's okay or normal, or if i am stagnating here at the realization that i am living without you. i would look at you, and at time, my love, i would never think it possible. i took so many pictures of you. from behind you all sneaky and making you pose for me. you never got used to my taking pictures. you never thought i would run out.

but 14 months and 3 weeks ago i stopped being allowed to take your picture. and no, i do not have enough. what happens when i run out of pictures of you to fiddle with and post?

you are cute. you are handsome. funny. adventurous. daring. charming. dangerous. trustworthy. mine. and i am yours.

i sulk sometimes. i know it is wrong. but when i think of the home we were planning on buying, on all our dreams that ceased to be the moment you died, it cuts me in half. our lovely old fort at the end of the Neck - we are not there. i miss us. i miss the ocean. i miss our walks. our island. the gulls. taking your picture. i miss you.
i miss your laugh. where do i go from here now that you have had to go so far ahead of me. you are out of sight but not out of mind. Lord, help me i think of you and wish things had been different. i wish you were here with me. not even in our dream house, just here with me. i am so lonely. it is often a physical pain and my only recourse is to write, or to close my eyes and fantasize of you, or go find the moon.

your serious face. i zoomed from the other room. you were reading contracts and being all working and focused and thinking. i love you mustache and beard. i miss touching them. i miss your eyes, the intensity and the joy. you have such powerful emotions. you were so articulate but your eyes, even more so.

i talk to you even though i will never hear your voice again. i tell you everything, still. this happened. i felt like that about whatever. all the little things that make up a day i still share with you. like today. that woman with the two chihuahuas turned them out again - no leashes. they snarled and circled us. pinned us against a tree. and i had our dogs' leash wrapped awkwardly around my hand. it was tight against my knuckles and when Carmen and Scootie tried to protect me and each other, it crushed my knuckles. hurt really bad. not big deal. iced it and then went back to sewing, but it would not have happened if you were here. you would have reached over and picked her dogs up by the scruff of their necks and probably done something outrageous like head for the trash can. you would never hurt the dogs, but you would have made your point. or you would have our dogs tight in your own solid hand, strong, safe. you would not have gotten pinned against a tree.

just stupid stuff like that that upsets me now that i am alone - now that you aren't here anymore. nothing is horribly wrong but nothing is right, not without you.

i miss our adventures. i miss our walks. it is 2:233 PM here on the east coast. Mass would be long over. we would returned home to have had our usual languid morning together. then lunch and we'd pack up for the afternoon. we'd be on the rocks. the beach. collecting all the miracles that can be found at the ocean's edge. i miss the roar. i miss the gulls. i miss the salty smell. i miss the wind. i miss the utter freedom that comes from being with you.

safe yet wildly exciting. every day was grand. every day was filled with love. even the bad times had the grace of your love and care for me. in all our years together we had two fights. two. and being the man and therefore being wrong, you admitted you were wrong. i am trying for humor but i failed in making myself smile. because i miss you so much.

i miss our life. i miss your love. i miss your being here with me so i could talk to you, tease you, and touch you.

i am running out of pictures that show you in all your worthiness to be put online. the others are either missed shots (that i am keeping regardless) or shots where you have made a funny face and those are for me alone. silly man. playful. fun.

it is hurting so bad to think that these can almost be called "old photos."

you are now free from this life we shared. i wish i could have gone with you. i wish you could have stayed longer. but i do imagine you free and wild, your spirit so joyously happy. i know how adventurous you are. you must be having a glorious time.

i am lonely for you. i need .......... whatever. it does not matter. i cannot have what i want and there is no one to call to come over to talk to me. so i crawl away and get back to work.

two souls separated. one is free. one is earthbound. i pray you remember me. i pray that one day we are together again. off on another adventure.

and i will not need pictures anymore because nothing will separate us ever again.

4 comments:

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

The day I realized I had no more pictures to take of him, i had gone through all of them, I didn't have anymore days to take pictures of him, oh, it was a sad day. It still is.

Anonymous said...

amen, sister.

xo

Anonymous said...

Your pain is something I can reach out and almost touch. It makes me lonely. It makes me realize what a good marriage can be. Maybe I should have tried but I never found a woman who could put up with me. I'm glad Dragon had you. Every man should have 1 love in his life. I know you are his. (See, I didn't use past tense. You've trained me well.)

Please smile today, just once. The photo you emailed me, you had a Mona Lisa smile. At least shoot for that or I will get on a plane and that will freak you out. =o) I knew I could get a smile.

Semper Fi

judemiller1 said...

Your message once again teaches me--I must take more pictures while he is still with me.

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