how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Bunny is Mad as Hell

Bunny, that would be me, is finally pissed. yes, i said the P word. i do not like to type crude or negative 4-letter words because simply, there are better words to convey these thoughts, but i, that would be our soft-spoken, submissive-most-all-the-time Bunny, is pissed as hell.

see that face? can a Bunny look any more angry? i do not think so. grrrrrrrrrrr.
i am telling this in 3rd person to deal with it from a detached point of view. Bunny is the strong one. Bunny belongs to the Dragon. not me. not yet. i need to come back from all the put downs of late. it has been a long, long few weeks here. very long.

Bunny had gone to a dentist less than 7 months ago. he did his dentist thing. he took x-rays. he poked and prodded. his decision was to build up the tooth. the night of April 27th i ate a nacho. yes, Bunny made nachos for supper. she was running out of food and got creative. Doritos and grated cheese melted on top for supper. she bit into the chip and BAM, or i guess she should say, "CRACK" or whatever word can bring the image of a tooth splitting vertically up into her gum. sharp pain. spitting blood. (sorry for being graphic) worry about what had happened. Bunny's daughter made an emergency stop over after work and, yes, the tooth was split. it was confirmed so Bunny called the dentist emergency line and left a message to be called first thing in the morning.

Bunny called at 10 AM and in a quiet tone of voice, respectful and polite, asked if the doctor had gotten her message. the receptionist was snippy and said, "Oh, yes, i have your message. i give them to him at noon." Bunny was diplomatic and explained AGAIN that she felt it was an emergency and wanted an appointment. she was given a time and her daughter took off work.

when they arrived the snippy receptionist said, "oh, i meant to tell you that the appointment was for Monday. the doctor wants to take the afternoon off. it's such a pretty day and you were the only appointment after lunch."

Bunny has cotton in her mouth because the broken tooth keeps rubbing the gum and bleeding and the snippy receptionist wants her to wait 4 more days? no way. Bunny got teary. Bunny had not eaten anything since the tooth broke. the doctor was still there. Bunny wanted to see him. she was hurting. she was bleeding, for gosh sakes. the doctor saw her and the blood and decided to see her. sadly as a statement to her character, Bunny graciously thanked the dentist. her daughter was, however, was furious, but held her tongue, too. the dentist had Bunny sit down then he reached in with a tool and yanked the broken part out. he did not deaden it. he was in a hurry. then he said, "needs a crown. see you Monday." and he left her and her daughter. the nurse booked the appointment saying it would be for a crown and take 2 hours. she also said to eat soft foods only on the other side of the mouth.

so on April 26th, Bunny is dropped off and suddenly it is SURGERY. 9 shots of Novocaine and 12 stitches later Bunny is shaking like a leaf. she hurts. she's in shock. no one had said surgery to her. they had said, "crown." she did not know she would have oral surgery. Bunny had a crown done before. there was no surgery then. the dentist said, "well, i guess i should have explained that there's more to it." so he explained to Bunny and her angry daughter who had come to pick up her mom.

one month and Bunny would be as right as rain. the gum would heal. once a week checks. the fourth week and Bunny would have her crown.

the next appointment was May 3rd. stitches did not come out. he said it still looked inflamed and maybe it needed more healing than he had anticipated. an appointment for May 10th is set for the stitches to come out. "oh and by the way, don't eat on that side, very soft foods only, no peanut butter or anything sticky, for 3 MONTHS." then Bunny gets her crown.

Bunny and her daughter are in shock. 3 months? he guesses he should have explained it better last week. no kidding. three months of eating like her jaw is wired shut takes planning and budgeting Bunny's stipend of money. he said that Bunny needs 3 months for the gum to heal. during the surgery he had had to sand the bone where the tooth had actually gouged it.

this is where Bunny's daughter has to step in and ask, "this is a tooth you worked on 6 months ago. it was taken out by a soggy nacho chip. she wasn't gnawing the marrow out of a bone. it was a limp, cheesy chip and it totally destroyed your work of 6 months ago. you are charging us over $1700 for this. you don't guarantee your work. and every time we come your snippy receptionist out tells us she booked the wrong time and could we go away. but we're here and we're seeing you. first it was a crown. then it became surgery and one month. now it's 3 f*cking months." (Bunny's daughter was really angry and yes, she cussed like a sailor on first dog watch on a hot day at the equator while stuck in the doldrums.)

the dentist smiles and says, "sorry."

what is Bunny and her daughter to do? he has us. we need this done.

so Bunny is all set for the stitches to be removed on May 10th. NOT. okay, not exactly not. the nurse took out the stitches since the doctor was NOT there AGAIN. she could not give an evaluation of the healing progress but his notes had read, "stitches out" so she took them out. no real post-op instructions could be given. and why was he gone? his NEW OFFICE needed his attention.

"WHAT NEW OFFICE?" Bunny and her daughter were stunned. "he'll get back to you."

"is it a secret?"

Bunny and her daughter whose anger has reached incendiary were told to leave. since the doctor was gone the office was shutting down for the day. the next appointment to see "if the removal of the stitches went okay and if any healing progress has been made" is May 24th. Monday is Bunny's daughter's only day off. the snippy receptionist now acts like she is judging us. she said that there were "other days available but if Monday is all YOU PEOPLE can do then it has to be the 24th." the snippy receptionist with the judgement affliction told Bunny that her continued healing was up to her. "entirely up to you," and that if Mondays was the only day she could get a ride to the office then, how well and how fast she healed was entirely up to her.

Bunny and her daughter called and left messages for the dentist to answer some health questions. they called on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and today. he did not return the calls. his snippy receptionist with the judgment affliction told Bunny's daughter, "i emailed him once. he has the message. he will call when he takes the time. you chose your next appointment time. i am not bothering him with this. "

all through this, Bunny has been quiet. she has been a good girl. she has cooperated. she does not like confrontation. but Bunny's daughter has borne the brunt of the snippy receptionist with the judgement affliction's very sharp tongue for the last time. Bunny is mad as hell. Bunny dashed off a terse email to every email address in the dentist office with bulleted text of facts as they played out. Bunny wants answers. she also copied her ex and her daughter. Bunny's ex-husband passed along his own email to the dentist succinctly saying that the doctor needs to answer the questions. and oh my gosh what happened? the dentist emails us back.

get this. he's sorry. he has a migraine today and is flying out to LA to learn to be an orthodontist. he will email the answers tomorrow but that Bunny "should be fine." oh, and the address for the new office is below his signature.

i weep for the state of the world.


i am Bunny and Bunny is me. my stuffed rabbit has a much softer and cuter face than i. i look more like the troll below so i use the stuffed rabbit. but i have to be honest. i look more like the troll. my blonde hair has some silver threads now. i have some worry lines. i cry. i am sad. i am tired, so very tired. i work all the time. when i "knock off," i do hand work in my lap.

i will admit that i would like someone to think of me for one moment. i want someone to think that maybe i have feelings and that a broken tooth can cause pain. what ever happened to "first do no harm?"
i wish my Dragon were here. he has a presence that few ever challenged. his voice could be so deep and cold. he exuded authority. once i fell and broke my hand. the ER doctor who splinted it said so. he pointed to it on the x-ray. two days later at the orthopedic doctor's office, he said he did not think it was broken, that had maybe asked for the splint. he winked at my Dragon and said, "women." my Dragon did not smile. the doctor grabbed my hand in his and forced my fingers into a fist. the snap of my bone was very audible. i felt faint from the pain. i did throw up immediately. the nurse in the room was horrified. my Dragon reached over and grabbed the doctor by his tie and said, "if you have a partner, get him in here now because you are not touching my wife again." when the doctor tried to leave, my Dragon said, "no, call him. yell, text, cell phone. whatever, but get him in here to see what you did to my wife."

you can't pay for that kind of protection. well, you can but it costs. my ex never stood up for me that way and never stood by me. never. when we lost our first child, he left me alone to go sailing with his friends. his remark of "we'll have another" clubbed me in the backs of my knees. so no, you cannot always trust that you will get the kind of love, loyalty, and protection that my Dragon gave me. and this dentist and his snippy receptionist with the judgement affliction are reminding me of what i lost.

i lost my fierce Dragon who stood between me and all that was unholy. if a woman cannot get it done, it will take a man. and i wish it were my Dragon. that dentist would not be acting this way if my Dragon were here. the dentist wears a tie. when i listen to his chipmunk voice i dream of a Dragon's hand cinching that tie a little tighter.

i am drowning here in anger and stress and worry. how do i stop drowning? everyone needs to get their frickin' feet off my head. i have apologized my whole life for things - stupid things, things that were not my fault, even for my feelings. i should be allowed my feelings. i am allowed to be alive - as much alive as i can be while wanting and needing and missing my Dragon as i am. damn-it. now i'm crying.

i want him back. i need him. i think i need to call in the Marines on this one. it's going to be a long 3 months.

i am not proofreading this one for anyone. i am too tired. my damn tooth hurts too much. i do not give a flip anymore. too many people have mistaken my quiet, non-confrontational personality as a door mat. i am tired of being walked on and told i am wrong, being treated as unimportant, and told that i do not have a right to say what i feel. i have apologized for living too often. i have rights, too. i am mad as hell. they were rude to my daughter so now there's going to be hell to pay.


Suddenwidow said...

I am so sorry that you're having all these troubles with the idiot dentist. Any chance of getting a second opinion from another dentist? This guy doesn't deserve your time.

I know what it's like to lose the person who always has your back. It's scary, overwhelming and drives me to my knees. I wish I could help. Know that I'm here cheering you on and wishing I could send you soft food.

You are damn right that you have rights and I'm glad you're mad as hell. You don't have to put up with this crap. I'm cheering you on from here!

Anonymous said...

Whether bunny or troll, you're a very pretty woman. I can tell even though the picture you sent me is your reflection in a window. BTW, we're still 3 - 1 on that.

So what's his name? The dentist. I would love to take care of this for you. One phone call. That's all it would take. You've told me more than is here so for the record, I would love to tear this guy a new one. And his snippy secretary. It's called patient care and customer service.

And all the guys love the Elton John song. Rene is one of the team and he piped it through the speakers. Scared hell out of no one but the sharks but hey, it's a great start to our day. I'll call from the boat later on your night tonight.

Hang in there, dear Lady. Semper Fi.


Jill said...

Hello! I've been reading your blog for a while but not posted. Can you possibly get yourself to a different dentist? Get your records and don't look back. Is there a dental school nearby? They can be great and affordable!

Take care.

Jill in Michigan

womanNshadows said...

Suddenwidow, the dentist will be getting two angry women in his office next appointment. he will answer for this poor behavior. thank you for cheering me on.

Brick, what can i say? i am glad, er, Rene, likes the song. i can envision you guys out there tracking down the Somali pirates blasting the song "the Bitch is Back." maybe it could be your El Deg├╝ello.

Jill, great idea but sadly there isn't a dental school nearby. my daughter's mother-in-law works as an ER nurse and administrator at a local hospital. she called her last night to see what our options could be. i cannot pay for this twice. thank you for reading and thank you for offering your advice for help. if i can i do wish to make a change. as you said, 'get my records and don't look back." this kind of stuff just makes missing my husband all that more acute.

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