how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

a falling apart kind of day

i don't have any poems nor any little stories. this is just straight forward writing.

i've had a bad day. i didn't want to get out of bed. once i did, i tried, i really tried, but i kept crying. i'm still lethargic late this afternoon. i feel so very sad. this is one of the worse days i've had in, oh, God, i cracked my first smile. see writing does help. it puts things in perspective. this is the worst day i've had in about two weeks.

i had momentum. i really did. my cough is dying out and i've had a few days of great progress. but today, i have only worked for a few hours. i am the worst boss i've ever worked for. i work myself for anywhere from 12 to 15 hours a day. i'll work until very late. but today, i'm slogging through so much grief and sorrow that it's like quicksand.

i see homes through the trees behind my apartment all lit up with Christmas lights. there is a commercial on television that i can't get away from. a man and a woman are standing in front of their big picture window at their beautiful log cabin lake house. there is a terrible storm outside and when a sudden flash of lightning drives the wife into her husband's arms, he says to her, "hey, it's all right. i'll always be here."

and i always say to the television, "don't make promises you have no control over being able to keep."

my Dragon promised he'd never leave me. and i worry, yeah, i've said it, one of my fears is that he died in pain and so terribly afraid, for me and for himself. it's eating me up inside today. i'm trying to fight against my own mind. it's that locked trunk i keep in the closet that rattling. i know what's locked in there. all my fears and worries that will ruin me if i let them get out.

so i'm trying to focus on my island. it has a dusting of snow on it, just like it did this time last year. i'm going through all my photos that are still on the computer and trying to get them burned off so that they are safe. i can't lose any of them. they are my past. they are of the places where i was when i was happy. they are of all the places i was while he was alive.

i wish there was someone i could call to come over and sit with me so i could talk about him. there are so many little stories i could tell. i feel like i could call "jude," "supa," Suddenwidow," and Boo and any one of them would rush right over with a sack of hamburgers and thick milkshakes, but even if they started now, the burgers would be cold and the shakes mushy. in other words, the people i've "met" who would come do not live within even 250 miles of me.

so it is to here that i come on this darkening late afternoon. i am alone as i always am and, most likely for the unforeseeable future, always will be. i'm weary and i wish i could crawl into his lap and lay my head down and sleep. i want to feel his legs behind my head. i want to feel his hands on me, caressing me, relaxing me. i want to close my eyes and listen to the low murmur of this voice.

i want him.

so i'll close my eyes and click my heels and say, "there's no place like home. take me to my island. take me home."

*sigh* i'm still here.

9 comments:

Suddenwidow said...

I would be there in a heartbeat if we lived within 250 miles of each other! I'm so sorry you're having a hard day. We all have days that are harder than others and we know the overwhelming sadness that comes with them. Sending you love and hugs and hope that tomorrow is better.

Debbie

judemiller1 said...

If it were only 250 miles...we all would come and sit and sleep on the floor so we could stay a day or two. You have to know that Dragon is all right--he is in Heaven and therefore he is all right. He probably doesn't even think of what happened the moments it took for him to die--he cares not a bit about it. He looks on you--everytime you think of him or speak his name...his attention is drawn back to you and he smiles.

netekay said...

Count me in the wishing I could be there just to give you a hug. Days like that can be so hard and so tiring.

xoxox

womanNshadows said...

hey! there you all are. my sisters. thank you. i was afraid with it being a Saturday night so close to the 25th that everyone would be busy. thank you for checking in on me. =0}

twinmom said...

I think you have a greater following than you realize. A lot of us check in on you, whether or not a comment is left. I check in on you every night, before I go to bed. Just to make sure you are OK. I wish there was more we could do to ease your heartache, but I know this is your road alone and that is part of the heartbreak. As for your Dragon, I suspect his greatest thoughts were as yours would be: that he didn't want to leave you. Thoughts of love. HUGS to you on this night of sadness.

Boo said...

I wish I was only a 3 hour drive away. I would have come today.

Ah well, there is sun in San Diego in August, and the best company ... I shall just think about that instead of fairy lights across my street too ... bah humbug

Love to you and hugs
xx

womanNshadows said...

thank you twinmom. this intense sadness is part of this new life and will be hanging close for a long time. it's just something that has to be faced head on.

Boo, August is my goal for a lot of things. get in shape. eat better. sleep and be rested for my weekend. let my hair grow a bit and maybe even get highlights. i'm not expecting a huge world of change because of that weekend, just from me to get ready for it. i want my Dragon to see that i am living, that i can be adventurous, too.

=0}

Widow in the Middle said...

Just the fact that you are up and posting at the computer is proof of your strength and fortitude. Writing does help - it has what has kept me together the past year.

That sappy commercial you mentioned - it bothers me AND my sons. I guess we all see right through it. Whenever it airs I start to think about both my husbands and do not get all warm and fuzzy inside.

I hope you do not get down on yourself for having a day or days like this. The widowhood road is so very bumpy and all of us experience those days when we just want to pull up the covers over our heads.

womanNshadows said...

=*o}

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