how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, January 15, 2010

quiet desperation

i want to go home. i think maybe he doesn't know where i am. i know others have written or spoken of "feeling him (her) around." i haven't had anything close to something that distinct. i'm not sure of anything anymore. so i want to go home. i want to lie down tonight and close my eyes and wake up and be in his arms at home. the only home i've ever known was with him.
where we lived in Rockport, we were so lucky. if you click on the above photo and let it get larger for you, past the harbor entrance to the right, just to the left of the Headlands, there. right there you'll catch a glimpse of our island.

i chose that photo because that's all i have these days, a glimpse of the island that held our attention, our vigil, our dreams and fantasies for so long. i tell myself, "tonight you'll go to the island and be with him." but my subconscious is kicking me in the ass. it won't do what i say.

i want to go home and this hasn't happened. i want him back.

i saw the trailer on television for this movie, "The Lovely Bones." i read the book a long time ago. i don't think the movie is going to be like the book at all. they feel their daughter. she helps them. my Dragon, well, i am so receptive to any sign, any little clue of his presence beyond meeting my bills, getting to eat a couple of times a day, beyond the immense blessing of getting to go to San Diego in August, beyond being allowed to make the quilts to help people heal. maybe i'm being greedy and that's why i can't feel his breath, or smell his morning coffee.

maybe it's because he's never been here with me. where is he? why can't he find me? or maybe he has found me and i'm too upset, crying too hard to know he's close. that means it's all my fault. that means i'm giving in to this grief and i have to stop being weak.

but i'm tired and i want to go home. i want to fall asleep with his body curled around me all warm and alive. i want to feel his hands on me stroking me so i relax and drift off. i want to feel his heart beating against my back and his beard on my neck.

i want a sign.
please, nothing huge. nothing of any Biblical or astronomical import. just a nudge tonight. just a whisper in my ear as i sit and sew late in the darkness that closes in when i have only that one light on beside my chair. just a slight touch. it could be as small as a tiny feeling of peace that finally is allowed to touch my heart.

it only takes a small spark to start getting warm. when one starts getting warm, hope will cease being dormant. it will rouse and start to stretch out it's stiff limbs. then one has a chance at surviving the worst thing that could ever happen. i don't need to really "live" live. i just want to survive so i can exist a little longer. i have some things i need to do, to take care of, before life kicks me in the teeth again. but by then i will accept it as my fate. i am an amiable soul.

but until then, all i wish for is a little sign from you, Dragon dear. a little sign that you remember me, maybe even that you're waiting for me. but i don't want to appear greedy. i just want to feel that you are happy and remember me with love.

i'm having such a hard time without you. in the morning, if you were still here, you'd wake me with kisses and caresses. you'd whisper what you whispered every year we were together.

happy birthday, love. you know why you were born, don't you? to be mine. you were born to be my love.

i'm going to wake up with puppy breath in my face and the job of finding the will to face another day. it's my daughter's birthday. that's what i'll wake up for and paste on a smile for. and i'll look in the mirror at a woman revealed in the harsh lighting. i'll see all too well. i know her sins and i know the sins she is a victim of. but i'll tell her just like i've told her every morning since he died, "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."


twinmom said...

In some ways, I wish you could have stayed near your island, so that you could walk the beach you walked with your Dragon, touch the rocks he touched. It sounds like it was the perfect place for the two of you. But it is good that you are nearer to your children. You certainly do not need more isolation. I love reading about him. Such a strong, manly man. So handsome. So easy to understand the depth of your love, the depth of your pain. I'm glad you have so many pictures of your days together, and the places you visited. I firmly believe that somewhere in time, your Dragon is again saying Happy Birthday, reminding you of the reason you were born. HUGS to you on this day.

twinmom said...

Oh! And just a small coincidence...I was also born on my mother's birthday. It is a special thing, to share that date with each other. Now that I am a mother, I know there is no greater gift. And it makes it very easy for me to remember how old she is this year!

Widow in the Middle said...

I know you'll be focusing on your dear daughter today and I hope you have a lovely dinner out together. Don't give up on receiving a sign from your Dragon. I am thinking of you and wish you and your daughter a Happy Birthday. Also, sending you love, hugs and positive energy. Please take care and think of yourself today too.

Boo said...

I'm sorry, I just can't find the words today ... because, truly - there aren't any. I hope you aren't alone too long. Breathe. Breathe. This will pass.

judemiller1 said...

How wonderful to have given birth on your birth day...and to a daughter. I wish you moments of peace today.

Suddenwidow said...

Happy Birthday dear friend. I pray that you will get a sign soon. I had a couple of signs early on, but I'm not sure that they weren't my grief filled imagination. Lately I don't feel him at all, though I hope he still watches over us, when he gets the chance. So I am just left with hope. And hoping and believing without much evidence is called faith. We must have faith that our loves are watching over us and are waiting for us. We must have faith that they're still whispering "Happy Birthday" and "I love you". Faith. We must hold to it. The thought of living without faith is too bleak. My soul cannot continue this journey on earth without him without faith.

Continue having faith my dear friend. He's there, just quiet. Maybe he's still getting his bearings in his new world. The two signs I did get were when I was very quiet and still and they were very quick and subtle. But I have faith they were real. And my offer from a couple of months ago is still open, if you'd like to take me up on it. My conversation with that gifted woman helped to comfort me and support my faith. Just let me know.

I wish you and your daughter a lovely dinner out tonight. Happy Birthday to both of you. Do we have a count down to San Diego yet? I'm SO looking forward to that weekend.

Hugs and love to you,

womanNshadows said...

twinmom, i have my wishes that i know won't come true but having them is a float in a turbulent sea. my son has called and is planning to come be with me in Feb. my daughter & son-in-law are taking me out to supper tonight. and yeah, my Dragon was a manly man. remind me to tell you how far he could spit a watermelon seed. the man was gifted.

WITM, i hold the hope for a sign, or to accept that maybe i've already received one. i'm busy working until time to get ready for my supper out. i'm looking forward to that. thank you for the things you said.

Boo, in, out. huff. puff. =0}

Jude, yeah, it's been nice to have our birthday on the same day. she waited 3 weeks for it so we earned it.

Debbie, i have had a couple of signs, i think, but i'm not one to believe it right off. i don't take miracles like signs for granted and to have one happen to me, well, i am not sure i would deserve a gift like that. i do have faith. i've never been angry with God or blamed Him, or my Dragon, for this tragedy. i know the kind of pain my Dragon was living with. it was a blessing that he has gone to a place where there is no pain. having said that, i have to admit to my moments of "my God, why have you forsaken me?" i fall to my knees under the weight of the knowledge that i won't be hearing, seeing, or touching my Dragon until i after i die. and i can only hope and pray that that is a privilege i am given for holding true to only path open to me.

Stuart Chase wrote, "For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who do not believe, no proof is possible." i believe but i am weak from the loss of my life's blood, my life's breath, and my life's greatest love. i am fighting to be stronger.

and most decidedly yes, we have a countdown to San Diego. i am so excited. and so very, very grateful.

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