the answer was "no."

update on the living thing - on the rent going up and i hope i can save myself living situation thing.

their answer was "no."

Bunny has to try and get this all figured out, but she's not alone.  she's got the best friends there ever could be with her, staying by her side through shattered dreams and tear-filled nights.

that's more than a lot of others get to have.

but she knows, oh, Bunny knows that

life isn't going to be kind to her;

not just yet.

*sigh*

say "yes"

so i deleted my previous post.  thank you to those who meant well.

i got a horrendous lengthy comment that made me mad so i close the door what what i said.

i guess grief blogs aren't what they used to be.

going to keep it less personal which i think defeats the purpose of a grief blog.

in the early stages, i would read others and not feel so alone.  they were saying what i was feeling.

but now, well, i will still speak my truth, just not all of it.

slumpy Bunny is back.  things aren't going great.

 i didn't get the manager's job that i've been doing for a month.  "do it for one more month.  we've hired someone to take care of both stores.  instead of paying 2 people larger salaries we're paying one person a salary and a half."

so i'm acting manager for one more month on an assistant manager pay and then i'm back at my store. 

i cried.  my feelings were hurt.

i've workd so hard.

and i'm scared.

my rent is going up.  i can't afford to live here anymore.  the place i moved into 3 days after he died and i can't afford to live here anymore.

i have asked {read almost "begged"} to be allowed to rent a room in my son-in-law's grandmother's house.

i would pay less rent there and would do all the housework, plus all the yard work, plus keep my 40 hour a week job to have money and health care.  my dogs could keep her company while i am at work and i would be her companion when i am "home" and on my days off.  i would take care of her so she can live longer in her own home.  my son-in-law's mother said this is a win-win for them, but she has to ask her brother and sister.  so i am waiting for that conversation and for their approval.

i hope they all agree; that they all think it's a win-win.

and they know me.  my daughter is having their grandson/great grandson.

i hope they say "yes" very soon.

my stomach is in knots over the uncertainty of it all.

if i had enough money i would get me a little cabin type place i think.

and it would house all my books.  like below.

cool photograph, huh?

 and this photo is a blast from a long past blog entry....

the Saracen Tower.

i still think about a place like it.  i could be safe in a place like this.

no one could get me.

i know you're wondering why i think of safety and preventing no one from getting me.

it's a crazy story but simple one.

i've been "gotten to" a lot by some not nice people.

all i want; all i've ever wanted is a quiet life.  peaceful.  i want to breathe.

i want to live out my days in safety....from money trouble and criticism and judgements.

just let me work and go home do what needs to be done to deserve to live in a little home with a nice elderly lady.

i could sit and sew with my dogs and keep her company.

i don't need a Saracen Tower.

i don't need a cabin.

i'd whittle down my life to a little room at the end of a hallway,

in a home where i take care of the housework and yard work.

i'd be so safe in that one little room at the end of the hallway,

and i'd work so hard to make it a happy place and a place of acceptance

for me and the lovely lady who lives there.

fingers crossed.  stomach in turmoil waiting to be approved.

i hope they say "yes" very, very soon.  i'm a nice Bunny who needs a home.

i'm a scared Bunny who needs a little help.  i would work so hard.

all they have to do is say "yes."

time

it's been awhile since i've written.  i've been busy working two stores, worrying about things, sewing the last Memory Quilt i'll ever make for a stranger, sewing for my daughter's baby who is due at Christmas, and simply trying to get by.

i got my mammogram results.  i'm good. that was nice to know.

i was supposed to have a routine colonoscopy done yesterday but ........ ,

and i truly hate to type this ...

again,

i've got pneumonia.

*very small sigh since i can't catch my breath too well at the moment*

i lay propped up in bed at night and i think too much.

i did have a dream the night before i found out how sick i was.

i dreamed i was drowning.  i was choking.

i was clutching my throat and my chest.

in my dream, this horrific dream of drowning,

i was in bed.  not in or near nor could i see 

any water.

all of it was in my lungs.

when they said that word ~ pneumonia ~ i closed my eyes and tears fell.

life is cold and aloof.

life has no emotions nor does it concern itself with individuals.

it simply is the passing of time.

people talk about how the life of a person can be measured.

mine will be measured, it seems, by the use of and number of humidifiers i go through

just so i can breathe; try to open up my lungs.

i hope my life is not measured.

i hope, when i pass, that it is me who is examined.

not my life.

me, the person me.

i saw a passage in a book.

"i am more than my wallet."

 and i am.

i am a nice person.

i am trying so hard to remember that when people are mean.

 

 the above is true.

food on the table.

i let myself get hungry.

i paid my bills and did not alert my children that i did not have enough to eat.

because i thought i could last until my next paycheck on dry cereal, toast,

and tea.

i could not.

my job has too much physical labor.

i got dizzy at work and almost passed out two days in a row.

it broke me.  i got scared.  so i called my son who sent me money for food.

until it could arrive 12 hours later {he transferred it from his account into mine}

my daughter came up with bags of food for me to eat right then.

both were so upset with me and with good reason.

i didn't ask for help.  i was too embarrassed.

but i was grateful and thankful

and promised i would never let that happen again.

they got angry because they love me and i put my health in jeopardy.

i have been contrite ever since.  ashamed i causedm the this worry.

to doubt me.  am i telling the truth about what i ate today?

i have promised them i always will.

 

i've always been drawn to the above message.

it's been in my mind for years and years.

death is the painful truth.

he isn't coming back.

i have had no signs from him or of him.

he is gone.

i have avoided the after life books for one simple reason.

i do not wish to explore it.

i do not really want to know.

my turn will come.

i will find out then.

in the meantime i have thought about the

"life is a beautiful lie"

part of that message.

what does that mean to me?

that there is no such thing as life.

it is a synonym for time.

how we spend our time is what is important.

i think life is a scientific term that allows us to distinguish

between organic and inorganic matter.

"life all the days of your life!!"

i can hear the gusto and frustration in someone's voice who feels compelled to blast someone with that quote.

"you're existing but not really living!"

they mean you're not using your time here with the joy they believe you should have.

time.

it really is all about time.

someone told me that all my creative endeavors were a wall i was building to hide behind.

they said i should try to meet someone.

i should at least date.

i smiled at them.  i felt sorry for them.

they wanted to know when i would be ready.

i said this,

"i have always been creative.  i have always had to make things.

if no one saw them, they still had to be made.

i am an artist.

it was never something i hid behind.

it is something i am.

and my Dragon loved that about me.

he never interrupted me while i was working on something.

he would sit in the same room and wait until the muse quieted and i came back to this reality."

 

 i am creative.  i am an artist.  i just have to work outside my "studio" to make money to eat.

yes, i ate 3 meals today.

i am feeling stronger.

i still cry about losing him.

i still long for him.

i ache at times.

death is the painful truth.

life is a lie.

i am not living but i am spending my time here wisely.

and i will do better because i promised my children that i will eat 3 meals a day,

or ask for help so i can do that.

my time here without him is lonely.  i am a lone goose flying the darkening skies knowing winter is coming.

and by winter i mean old age.

i hurt in my joints.  i get scared over things that didn't use to frighten me.

i struggle to leave home beyond work or visiting my daughter.

i make no plans.

"the days grow shorter, the nights grow longer;

the headstones thicken along the way,

and life grows sadder, but love grows stronger,

for those who walk with us day by day.

the tear comes quicker, the laugh comes slower;

the courage is lesser to do and dare;

and the tide of joy in the heart falls lower,

and seldom covers the reefs of care.

but all true things in the world seem truer;

and the better things on earth seem best,

and friends are dearer, as friends are fewer,

and love is all as our sun dips west.

then let us clasp hands as we walk together,

and let us speak softly in love's sweet tones,

for no man knows on the morrow whether,

we two pass on or but one alone.

~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox

my lovely Dragon has passed on and i am alone.

were someone to ask i would say, "yes, i am grieving."

and i simply do not understand those who do not understand that it is possible to

grieve like this.  quietly.  respectfully.  without really telling anyone how lonely i am.

i've stopped admitting it to anyone though no one really asks with the sincere intent to know.

i miss him.  i wish i could hear his voice and feel the touch of his hand.

i wish we could fly together into winter's cold days and dark nights together,

but some part of fate believed i could do this alone.

i am without my mate.

i am lost in the storm of the beautiful lie that is life.

my time is being spent being creative.

because.

it is what i do.  it is who i am.

and it passes the time.

until........ 

Bunny's boob squishing/boho baby shopping/friend day

today, Bunny's mom had a day off from work.  workity work work.  stressity stress stress.  that's all Bunny sees from her mommy these days.  but today?  today was different.  Bunny and her mom had a day off.  {pssst.  tomorrow, too!}

today Bunny's mom had her first mammogram since her Dragon died.  such worry.  we girls all know that the waiting is the hard part.  are we okay?  oh, Lordy Lord but Bunny and her mom worry.  it's like a hobby with them.  some people collect stamps.  Bunny and her mom worry.  

but Bunny and her mom have something new in their life.

something very important.

Bunny and her mom have a friend.

Bunny took that first step and asked her daughter's mother-in-law if she would go with her to get her boobs squished.  that's what Bunny's mom calls a mammogram.  and she said yes!  Sherri.  that's her name; the name of Bunny/mom's new friend.  

it's nice when family becomes friends. or friends become family.

so photos were taken today to commemorate this lovely day.

here is Bunny/mom checking in for her appointment.  she how fuzzy Bunny looks in the photo?  her mommy had trembly hands.

 Bunny picked up a pamphlet to read up on boob squishing/mammograms so that she knew, when her mom went "into the room" what they were doing and why.

knowledge is truly power.

and while knowledge is power, there is also something to be said for comfort.

Bunny/mom had a friend with them today.  Sherri.  maybe she knows; maybe she only has an inkling of what her being there meant to them.

see, Dragon was Bunny/mom's go-to person.  he was the voice of reason in an insane world where things can go wrong at the drop of a hat.

"but i feel fine!"  how many times has doctor heard that after he/she has had to deliver soul shattering news?

Dragon did the self breast exams for Bunny's mom.  he was the one who did it for her.  who would know better?  who would be more thorough?  more conscientious?

these are times when Bunny/mom misses him so much.  the empty hole he left.  i mean, it's almost been 4 1/2 years and this is something that Bunny/mom has just now thought of.  we finally have insurance and it's preventative care.  yet Bunny/mom hasn't thought of it until now.

Dragon used to help her check her boobs.  Dragon would go to doctor visits with to help her ask, to help her hear and interpret what the doctor had to say.  through all of it, Dragon was there.

until he wasn't anymore.

Sherri being there was so very important.  someone knew this appointment was scarey.  someone knew that Bunny/mom needed a companion.

Sherri was glad to be there.

see that word?  glad?  important word.

you know that Bunny and her mom choose their words carefully and with intent.

glad to be there.  as opposed to grudgingly.  as opposed to disinterested.  as opposed to obligatory.

Sherri and Bunny and mom were a little tribe of women who were a the boob squishing place and who understood the depth of the awe that place can inspire.  and the worry. 

 Sherri and Bunny couldn't go into the actual room but Bunny did go to the changing room with her mom.  and there she waited.  she sat with her mom's shirt and her Brown Scapular.

her mom wears the Scapular because it is a devotional to Mary and makes her mom feel closer to the Blessed Mother.  sometimes it's nice to have another woman to talk to, you know?  Mary was a woman who had to make tough decisions, shouldered the honor of bearing the Son of God, and suffered great sorrows.  no one knows, until now i guess, that Bunny's mom wears a Scapular.  she always has ever since she converted.  anyway, Bunny talked to Mary while her mom was getting her boobs squished.  it gave Bunny comfort.

 after the appointment, Bunny, her mom, and Sherri went to look at, what else, baby stuff for the little boho baby coming their way.

Bunny did all the investigating while her mom and Sherri looked one.  see, Bunny is small enough that she was the "tester" of the products.  all grammas are notoriously picky about what their grandchildren sit in, sleep in, ride in, etc., etc.

here Bunny is checking out the crib that is the top favorite.

looks pretty good from Bunny's point of view.

 strollers were next.  nothing too fancy.  nothing gilded or encrusted.  boho baby will mostly be an "in arms baby but you have to have a stroller.  Bunny thought this one was perfect.  great color, too.  solid wheels for those times when boho baby might want to go "off roading."

 Bunny saw a bear and, of course, had to say "hi."

 Bunny and mom and Sherri all went to Bye Bye Baby where everyone, literally everyone was wonderful.  they met, talked with, learned from, and laughed with Shawna who was so great.  Bunny wanted her photo taken with Shawna.  i mean, what greater job than to help soon-to-be moms, new moms, and almost grammas with all the latest and newest baby stuff!

so thank you Shawna for being so cool, and for letting Bunny get her picture taken with you.

p.s. we saw stuff we love love love and we'll be back with our preggers girl in tow.

there are some "must haves" for our boho baby at Bye Bye Baby.

 like this awesome drying rack!! how "green"is this?!!?  Bunny loves it!  now if we can only decide on the colors of the flowers.

 Bunny tried out this, what Bunny thought of as the "zen baby melodic relaxing pod."

Bunny could have napped right then and there but she was introduced to the......

 4moms mamaroo plush baby swing!!!!  freakin awesome!!!  it's like an amusement park ride for boho baby!

it bounces, it sways, it makes circular motions all with music!!  Bunny had to have a ride.  she love love loved it!  she wants one for our boho baby so she can have a ride whenever she visits/babysits/takes over.

all in all, a lovely morning and early afternoon.  after the girls all got back to Bunny/mom's place, the girls all sat and talked.  they talked family. they talked sex.  {yes, Bunny said sex.}  they talked religion.  it was deep.  it was funny.  there were a couple of tears but it was wonderful.

imagine.

just quiet yourself and imagine this.

someone to talk to.

a woman.  a friend.  someone of like mind yet diverse opinions.

someone who sees your pain and accepts how you are dealing/living with it.

imagine this.

a friend.

thank you women at the boob squishing place for accepting Bunny wanting pictures for her blog.

thank you, Shawna and Bye Bye Baby for being wonderful and having such fun products.

{shhh Bunny.  the mamaroo is something we'll have to talk about later.  it's rated $$$$$}

and a most heartfelt thank you to Sherri who would say, "don't thank me.  i loved it."

but thank yous should always be said.  yes, out of politeness, but most of all

to those we love and want in our lives.  they always should know how much we appreciate them.

it's the little things that we should acknowledge because sometimes it's the little things that cost and mean so much.

now, Bunny must go sew.

 

boho baby

Bunny's been working for her new grandbaby that's coming; her little Boho Baby.

here are some pictures.

Baby Blocks!!

 there are little bells inside.

 Prayer flags.  some are finished.  some are not.  this is not all of them.

 

 mobile.  i went to Goodwill and bought an old lampshade for $2.  i used my Dragon's jeans to wrap the top and bottom.  yarn to wrap around the entire body of the shade.  i used scrap fabric for the dangling fish.  i bought little cards and wrote nice little sayings inside.

i miss my Dragon.  i wish he were here for this.  he would have loved this time in our lives.  grandma Bunny.  grandpa Dragon.  it would have been so cool.

comfortably numb

so, as Bunny wrote, i've been reading a lot.  insomnia has been my buddy these last weeks so i've been going through books like a starving soul at a banquet.  what am i searching for?  my defense at feeling this way?  my excuse?  my justification?

"where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which i find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  i miss you like hell."  ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

"when you have nobody you can make a cup of tea for, when nobody needs you, that's when i think life is over."  ~ Audrey Hepburn

"loneliness is the human condition.  cultivate it.  the way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow.  never expect to outgrow loneliness.  never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space.  an intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception.  if you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment.  the best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way."  ~ Janet Fitch, White Oleander

“the best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. that's the only thing that never fails. you may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. there is only one thing for it then — to learn. learn why the world wags and what wags it. that is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. look what a lot of things there are to learn.”~ T.H. White, The Once and Future King 

then i got this message - it's called "Messages From God," and i subscribed to it.  at times they are eerily what i need to hear.  {to anyone reading who does not believe or believes something/someone different, please do not be offended.}

it's time you remembered who you really are.

you are not your wallet, your job, your kids, your house. you are not your activities or your worries or the labels other people give you. like an actor you play these roles, and like a good actor you sometimes forget who you really are. time to wake up now, and remember that you are a being of immense power and breathtaking beauty created in the image of God.

 i have gotten comfortable with feeling down.  i have lost weight and my daughter says i am looking fantastic.  40 lbs. total so far.  i want to lose another 20 and i think i might be okay there.  the doctor is pleased.  i wish i could be.   i feel so lifeless.  i'm excited about being a grandmother.  gran'ma Bunny.  but i have this melancholy feeling all the time.  i'm neither too up nor too down.  i'm just going through life with my head down.

i feel like i'm on the outside looking in at life.  i see fun.  i hear about the fun others have.  i haven't had fun in so long.  i had fun last year when i visited my son.  this year i do not get a vacation.  i am, however, scheduling my colonoscopy, a mammogram, and pap smear.  whoopie.  i always have anxiety over medical tests.  terrified of these now.  wish i had someone to go with me.  my daughter says to call her mother-in-law to go.  i'm thinking of doing just that.

i am working on some really nice things for my daughter's baby.  boho baby things.  she's due Christmas Eve.  i'll be taking photos of these newest creative ventures and posting as i get them done.  sill working on this last quilt.  she has added more embroidery.  i have hung my head and resigned myself to probably never being done with this quilt.  i am not sure if she realizes how much work all this is.  all by hand.  it has become a burden and i am so very worn out with this one quilt.  king sized.  intricate embroidery of scenes like sunset behind a silhouette of the Golden Gate bridge - {118 hours to do that one}.  and now she wants more.  and how can i say no?  its her memory quilt.  and no one does it like i do.  all by hand.  anything you want.  any picture.  i paint with embroidery floss.

i'm up and i'm down.  i'm neither too okay nor too sad.  "i have become comfortably numb." {~ thank you, Pink Floyd.}

p.s. i've decided to take a class at a yarn shop.  i want to learn to crochet.  maybe i'll meet some nice women there.  maybe i'll find someone to talk to; to hang out with upon occasion; maybe a ~ friend?

"forgive life"

Bunny hasn't been around of late.  if you remember, she's retired.  her mom, me, no longer works at Build-A-Bear - sad, sad thing with her store closing for economic reasons.

now i sell children's shoes.  tough life there.  been written of.  no need to rehash.  nothing's changed.

but Bunny wanted to write to all of her readers.  she's never spoken before, written in her own words.  she's always allowed me to speak to her life.  but she wanted to - for the first time ever.  so here she is:  the Bun

hi.  it's me, Beach Bunny, Bunny, or just the Bun.  it's been quite the adjustment being left at home now.  i hate to see mom go off alone, out there in the world.  she has to drive so very far from home.  and i worry, especially when she has to close the store and it gets really late at night.

 one night she didn't get home until after 2 in the morning.

she was so tired and, here's a secret.  it was the first time i actually slept with mom.

she usually has me sit in my special place on my special pillow beside her bed, next to Dragon,

but she was so tired that night, and filled, literally filled to the brim with anxiety, that she held me close, and cried a bit, and had me sleep with her.

i comforted her all night.  after she was finally asleep, i whispered out loud in her ear so her heart could hear, about how much i love her.  about how much her children love her, and especially about how much her Dragon loves her.

so what does a Bun do alone in the home?

ears up and i help my mom.  i vacuum for her and i plump pillows.

 i take care of my pony friends my mom made. i love them so much.  they are a fun group

and we run around the apartment like crazy chasing mom's scotties.  exercise is very important. 

 i have quiet times, too, sitting and reading to my own little puppy, Snowball.

 and i wait for my mom to come home, home where she's loved and is safe.

see my eyes?  see the anxiousness i hold in my heart when she is gone?

i'm going to tell you something, maybe it's a secret, i'm not sure, but mom read this short story.

mom reads to try and relax and she's going through a lot of old books of hers.  Oscar Wilde is a favorite.  she just reread "The Canterville Ghost" because, as she told me, "Bun, there is poetry hidden in the prose."

her favorite part of the book is Sir Simon's soliloquy about death.

"Death must be so beautiful.  To life in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to the silence.  To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow.  To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace."

 mom read that part to me out loud and then she was quiet, not reading, not talking, just thinking.  and then she said this to me, "i miss him, Bunny.  i think about him all the time.  i'm not sure if i'm supposed to, or if i am to fight that.  but i can't fight any longer.  i'm not a fighter by nature.  i'm a re-router.  i do things my own way.  i have to.  'to thine own self be true.'  Shakespeare told the truth on that one. you can't lie to yourself.'

i stared at her in my own inscrutable way and she said, "no, i'm not thinking about dying dying, like, you know, dying, but i do think about being with him when my time comes.  and i think about being at peace.  i'm searching for it and i have come to sort of believe that peace is our journey, or at least it's mine.  i have moments of peace, but not a life of peace.  i wonder if anyone does.  i do have things that i am upset about - things that have happened to me throughout my life and that's the part of Sir Simon's speech i was thinking about.  forgiving life.  'to forgive life.'  i need to try and do that."

so i have spilled the beans.  mom is a deep thinker.  she is always trying to be a better person as she calls it.  and she is always thinking philosophically.  about everything.  even me.

which is why she went ahead and let me write this time.

because mom and me, we're sympatico.  we're kindred souls.

just like her and her Dragon.

btw, he's a truly lovely person.  i know that for a fact.  i've met him; seen him when he checks in on mom.  she doesn't know.  she's not really looking for signs.  she doesn't think she deserves them so she doesn't anticipate them.  but being the Bun, you know, THE BUN, i have that special gift.  

i've become Real, as in "The Velveteen Rabbit" Real.  and with becoming real, you get special gifts.

seeing the Dragon is one of them.

so to anyone out there who grieves, i hope you believe me when i say this. 

you are loved.

you are watched over.

you are being waited on.  {or for.  i can never get that one right.}

as mom sometimes writes,

peace to all who read.

peace and light to all who grieve.