how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

14 February 2011 // SSSF's gift of a book

tomorrow is Valentine's Day. there will be gifts or the memory of gifts. there will be affection and passion and romance, or the memory of such things.

it will be all those things for me and one more thing. it is the anniversary of my Dragon's funeral. bad family things happened at his funeral that i have not surrendered to the universe. i am working through it, but just not quite there yet. no one to forgive because no one has asked.

i thankfully work tomorrow. i hope the day is as busy as Saturday was. i hope today is crammed with people so i am focused on the here and now.

but ever present in my mind is him. my strong, magnificent, beautiful Dragon. such a man.
none will compare. i feel no connection with anyone. i have no interest in sex or romance, or passion. i had so much overwhelming, heavenly, incredible sex, romance, and passion with him that, well, his scent is all i want. his touch, his voice, his love.

i am reading the most wonderful book anyone has ever clued me into since my Dragon's death. thank you SSSF. Madeleine L'Engle. "Walking on Water Reflections on Faith and Art." i love this book.

"in our sleep, pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God." ~ Aeschylus

i love you, my handsome, lovely Dragon. i miss you. you are my sunlight, the stars in my sky, my happiness, my breathe, my life. and now you are my moon. happy Valentine's Day. you are my heart.

3 comments:

megan said...

M l'E is so wonderful. I have Glimpses of Grace, a daily reader. That woman just Knows.

thelmaz said...

I'm thinking of you and praying you get through tomorrow peacefully.

judemiller1 said...

Thinking of you today Dear Friend.

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