how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, February 11, 2011


2 years hit like the ACME safe from a Warner Bros. cartoon only the door did not open and i did not come comically stumbling out. it hit and it hit hard. and i am just existing.

it is a word i use deliberately. i feel like i am only existing. i am jumping through the hoops. i have no interest in life though i do everything everyone expects of me. work is performance art. i am "on" when i walk into the store. i pay my bills the day i get them. i do not buy anything extra. no luxuries. well, i got a haircut and she gave me the mousse/gel stuff. i don't know how to use it. i suck at being feminine. i bought sunglasses for Bunny. she needs the UV protection for her soft brown eyes while we drive to and from work.
but i miss him. with every breath, every sigh, every tear, i miss him. i ache for him. since Brick died, it's like my Dragon died all over again. no more stories. and that makes me a selfish witch. i mourn for Brick. but am i mourning him, or the loss of the stories he shared with me? i feel awful. i don't know. i never met him. his death has made me miss my Dragon even more. i look at my photos of him and pine.
i miss our home. i miss our town. i miss our walks. i miss being outside like we were. my hair a mess of tangles. my skin ruddy from the cold and wind. collecting rocks and shells and all the photos i took of him.

it can bring me to my knees. i put my head down on the desk and sob for what i can never have again. him. Rockport. home. ocean. rocks. him. home. him.
i am grieving. i am in mourning for my lost love. lost love. is he really lost? or am i lost? i am hurting so much. 2 years. 2 short/long years.
my only whimsy is Bunny. the Bun. my alter ego who understands the way of the world so much. she is the Oracle at Delphi. she is the go to girl for all the answers. and her silence is the answer because she knows, omnipotent Bunny, that there is no answer. it is what it is. it's life.
she is quite the Bun. she is a fashionista. she is a good listener. she keeps her moon necklace close and her thoughts even closer. her lips are sealed. all secrets are safe with Bunny.

if i had not come up with Bunny to stand in and stand up for me, i do not know what i would be doing to keep my sanity. or maybe i am insane and Bunny are these voices inside my head all in one cute, fuzzy package.

i miss him. i long for him. i am empty without him.

so is Bunny.


Kim said...

still reading, still here, still sending you all the love from my heart to yours, even though, im sure your dragon has that covered already xoxoxo

Boo said...

you are not insane. You are reacting quite sanely to an insane situation.

I will be thinking of you over the next few days xxxx

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