how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

the forgotten, sunset-loving Bunny

Bunny wasn't going to write at all today. she had planned on having a really nice day. it was her day off from the store. she had made a really good stew the night before. leftovers! she was going to have lunch with her daughter at her apartment. just a nice lunch of stew and talk. Bunny has not seen her daughter much since Bunny got her car.

but first Bunny had an appointment with someone. Bunny drove in the bright morning sun with the windows down. birds were chirping. Bunny had made notes. she had wanted to talk about something critically important in her grief journey. so important. she has been waiting for days for this appointment.

Bunny got there. she waited 10 minutes. 15 minutes. the person Bunny was to see was a no-show. the other person in the office called her. yes, she had forgotten Bunny. so sorry. very human thing to do. next week then at a time Bunny does not like, but what is a Bun to do. that's right. hang her fuzzy head in embarrassment and say, "no, that's fine. not a problem."

but it is a problem for Bunny. it really is. but how does Bunny say anything about it? Bunny really is not that important.

Bunny, of course, understands. people forget things all the time. still, it hurt deeply. Bunny started crying. hot embarrassed tears started to flow and all Bunny wanted to do was hide her little face in shame. it is silly to cry over being forgotten. it is not like Bunny is important or anything. she is just a silly stuffed animal maker and an artist.
she is just an older, scruffy Bunny who works hard all day every day. her fuzzy face is showing her age. her sleepless, sorrowful eyes still shine with unshed tears.
Bunny is just a little Bun that will never leave a big footprint. few will know she ever came by. a few she could name will be glad when she stops breathing air. but that's something she is supposed to breathe through and let go of. easy to say. hard to do.

maybe her artwork will hold up through time. maybe not. Bunny will be long gone and will put her back to this life that has not been so gracious.

"one loves the sunset when one is so sad." ~ from Saint-Exupery's The Little Prince.
Bunny stares at the sunset today and feels the pull to write out to the universe that she has had her feelings hurt today. she is so easily wounded now that her Dragon has passed from their life together. she pines for him so, much more than before, she thinks. she hurts so much. psssst. that was the very important stuff she desperately needed to talk about today; about how much she is hurting still. hurting so badly.

*sigh* ah, well, it is not an important issue to the world. just a sad Bunny Bun Bun missing her lovely, strong, eloquent Dragon.

he loves country music. did you listen to the first song? Bunny found it and put it at the top of her playlist in honor of her Dragon's appreciation of Garth Brooks's music.

Bunny, herself, is a Sarah MacLachlin fan.

"i feel just like i'm sinking
and i claw for solid ground
i'm pulled down by the undertow
i never thought i could feel so low
oh, darkness, i feel like letting go."

yeah, darkness, being pulled down, clawing for solid ground, and Bunny feeling like she should just let go. of all the appointments for that woman to miss, Bunny's was not a good one to forget. forgettable Bunny.

cellophane Bunny. she looks out at a world feeling ashamed at her longing to be noticed, of her wish to find a Marlene Dietrich friend she feels at ease to call at 4 AM, at simply not being the one forgotten.
but Bunny has the memory, only the memory, of a Dragon who did not forget her. he loved her. loves her. spirits having a human experience. so he loves her. Dragon loves Bunny.

she needs to close her eyes before looking out her window, then open them to see only her Dragon out there waiting for her. do not look at the world as it is. look at what was, and what will be again.

then she'll be a Bunny who will always be with her Dragon and she will never be forgotten again. she will be with the one who loves her and will keep her within the embrace of his magnificent arms.

until then, scruffy, tired, lonely, forgotten Bunny is going back out to the balcony to watch the sun set.

8 comments:

Boo said...

not forgettable to me <3 xx

Suddenwidow said...

Me either xx

womanNshadows said...

oh, my dear friends. we found each other early on in our grief. and we have been there {here online} for each other. thank you for checking in. it has been "one of those days." bless you both. peace and love.

thelmaz said...

Whoever forgot Bunny--totally unacceptable. I hope Bunny will let that person know next week how much it upset her.

P.S. Is Bunny going to start traveling again soon. My cats are anxious to meet her.

womanNshadows said...

Thelma, thank you and i have no idea how i will feel when i see this person next week. i am a doormat. unless she reads this blog, most likely she will never know how much it affected me.

Traveling Bunny is on her way to England as we speak. then she goes to Wales, Australia, Alaska, Arizona, then Texas, Maine, then South Carolina. it will be a little while before she gets to Texas, {her alter ego's ~ me ~ my home state} but she is so excited and very interested in everyone who is allowing her the honor to visit them. i will be letting everyone know when she arrives at Boo's to spend time with her. and Bunny has never met a cat. she may be timid. but she knows a whole world is opening up for her. that's why she wanted to do this.

peace and love.

judemiller1 said...

I'm sorry.

Sandy said...

I am so sorry you were forgotten. Even though I am sure it was an honest mistake, I am sure that does not dull the pain. Please let this person know how much it hurt you.

Boo said...

the Bun is still in transit ... will let you know if she lands tomorrow xx

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