how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Bunny is still here.

Bunny
is drained, physically exhausted these days. so many sleepless nights of late. so many crazy, bad dreams when she does sleep. there is a living, breathing ache inside her right now that she doesn't know how to conquer. her Dragon is on her mind all the time. she just puts one foot in front of the other and keeps on going. she misses him so much that she does not know if she is normal anymore, if what she is feeling here at 2 years and a week or so can be considered the normal ravages of grief. oh, my Lordy Lord she wants her Dragon here with her.

but like in the movie, Papillion, she keeps going and tells people who do not like her or her life, and she tells her grief, "i'm still here, you bastards."

so here is the Bun at work. a little image "felt board" visual of her life at work.

the Bun stuffing her purse and her huge Tank of Tea in her locker. she has brought a pretty piece of embroidery work she has done to show her co-workers.
Bunny clocking in, perky and ready for her store's guests.
Bunny giving a pep talk to the other bunnies before they go out on the floor to hopefully be adopted and taken to new homes.
Bunny taking a break in the back. she is showing off her moonie moon moon embroidery work to
Lot's-O-Huggin' Bear, a random toy who stays in the back room.
Bunny goes back to her apartment after work and gets to work on her commission work. she is so very busy. so very sad though. Lordy, Lord Lord, she misses her Dragon. maybe if he could just fly by one night as she lays there restless in bed and put a soft little kiss on her fevered brow.

just a little peck ~ soft ~ like angel's wings.

Dragon's wings.

"i miss you, my Darling, my Darling,
with it's yearning my very heart aches.
the load that divides us weighs harder.
i shrink from the jar that it makes.
old sorrows rise up to beset me.
old doubts make my spirit their own.
oh, come through the darkness and save me,
for i am alone."

6 comments:

judemiller1 said...

What more can Bunny do, except put one foot in front of the other and keep moving--there is no other acceptable choice, really.

thelmaz said...

No matter how sad Bunny is, her pictures always make me smile, especially the one with her ears hanging down over the shelf as she talks to the other bunnies.

Boo said...

if you're not normal ... well ... then, neither am I.

and those untouched bastards can go choke on their words ... hugs to you

womanNshadows said...

hi, Judy. yep, you're right. all Bunny can do is put one fuzzy little foot in front of the other.

Thelma, it is Bunny's honor to make you smile. she has such a way about her, doesn't she? you can see why she is my public face.

Boo, thank you, friend.

J-in-Wales said...

You sound so weary. I wish I could take some of that away from you. Jxxx

Sandy said...

I know it is so hard but try to find at least a little bit of joy in each day.

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