how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

"turn on the light" or Bunny makes a short independent film

Bunny made a little film. it is short. it is startling. it is not for the faint of heart. but sometimes on a widow's journey, people need to be startled. they need to be drawn up short. they need to understand how dark it can get. how lonely. how frightened a widow can become with all her worries and all her wonder about her husband.

so this little film is one that Bunny made. what an actress! wow, Bunny can be very dramatic. love what she did with the lighting, and getting the camera to focus close up on her fuzzy little face there at the last second before the scream. love it. love it all. Bunny did a great job. okay, maybe she got a little carried away but when the creative juices are flowing, there is no telling what can come up.

Bunny has been so very tired lately. she is doing so well at work but she gets scared. work hours are performance based. they have some new hires, all young people, and Bunny is being the best little Bunny bear associate she can be. she says "yes, yes, yes" to everything. she needs the hours she has, if not more. she got a 25 cent an hour raise. 25 whole cents an hour.

ah, the world of retail. where you give your all and get the pat on the back with a quarter more an hour. *sigh*

i do not know what i wish anymore. i know my Dragon is in a better place. he has to be happy where he is. it is what i pray for countless times a day. just a quick, "let him be in Heaven."

me? the Bun? definitely Purgatory. i miss him fiercely. i miss the way he smelled. i miss his voice. i miss his hands reaching for mine, or for some other body part of mine. i need his counsel. i need his eyes looking into mine with his wild love and solemn promise that he won't leave me here.

having said that, scroll up and hit replay on the little film that Bunny made. it's dark here where i am. not outside. inside. i feel dark inside. i am on the down turn of this roller coaster right now. i know there will be an upswing, but for now, my art of grief is dark. as are my thoughts. as is my mood.

someone please, "turn on the light."


judemiller1 said...

Scare me, Bunny, but there are times when only a scream will do. Let it out and just yell!

Kim said...

(huuuuuuuuuuuug) a BIG one.

thelmaz said...

An Oscar nod for Bun and also for the director.

Stop by my blog and under comments, give the name of someone you think represents resiliency (real person or fictional, easily recognizable). Contest.

womanNshadows said...

Judy, Bunny smiled at your comment. she is glad her little film is recognized for what it is. there is a book titled, "Primal Scream." that's what Bunny did.

Kim, thank you.

Thelma, Bunny takes a bow. and i left a comment on your blog.

Sandy said...

Yep, Bunny pretty much freaked me out also! Keep your chin up, better days are ahead.

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