how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

the walking dead

i feel like the walking dead. i am drained. too much bad. so little good that happens. something terrible happened today. i could see the signs of this coming, like "red sky at morning."i am in tears, sobbing. i wish i could talk about it to you, to someone, but at this moment it is still so very private. it is only a phone call kind of conversation, or face-to-face.

i feel caved in. i feel sick. i feel dead inside when i think of life. i am too tired of living. there has to be a time for me during this life when all things are okay. i do not need magnificent. joy is so far away as to be unreachable. i just want "okay."

i need him back. i really need him here right now. this is something he can do. this is something he can make right. but when i look up, he is still gone, still dead, still never coming back to help me, to stand with me, to be here with me.
me and my daughter need him so bad. we need our Dragon.

please, please, can you hear me calling you? i need you. she needs you.
where are you? help me. please, help me. i am so tired. i can't sleep anymore. i need you. life has handed me so much more than i think i can take.

~~~~~~~~

update: i just called her and her voice sounds strong. she is a strong woman. even though Dragon was not her biological father, she has so much of him inside her, so much of his strength and spirit. she is his daughter in her soul. God, i love them both so much. i love my son and daughter and my beloved Dragon. please take care of us. please help us get through this. and please, above all, don't let anything bad happen to her. keep her safe.

last update for tonight: she just called. her friends came and got her. she is going to stay with them in their guest room for a few nights. she is safe. her voice is strong and determined. most of all, she is safe. friends and mothers. sometimes that is enough to keep the monster away so a girl can get some rest and breathe.

4 comments:

Dan, in real time. said...

I'm so sorry that your daughter is going through a difficult time, and that it has you feeling so much worry and sadness. I will keep you both in my prayers.

Dan

Suzann said...

Susan - I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad and distraught. If it were earlier I would call you. I hope I can catch you on the phone tomorrow night - please, please, please call me anytime dear friend. I am here - holding you close - love and light xoxoxo

womanNshadows said...

thank you, Dan. your thoughts and prayers mean a great deal to me.

Suzann, i will be here all day. i have off work today and will be here working on quilts. call me when you can.

judemiller1 said...

It is so hard on mother when your kids are in trouble. We just have the need to fix it for them--protect them--like we did when they were little. Hoping all will turn out well for your daughter.

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