how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

supermoon for Dragon

it is the night of the full moon again, but this time it is the supermoon. it will be closer to the Earth than it has in 19 years. i am back from work. i see clouds moving in so i do not know if i will be allowed to see it.

that is why i am so glad i planned ahead. up early. before sunrise, still the 19th, this morning at 6 AM. the moon.
but still i wait for it tonight. still i will hope that i can see it.

i am despondent of late. i am melancholy and quietly suffering. i miss him. like everyone else on this path of widow(er)hood, i am suffering. i love him so and miss him with all my life and breath.

i work and come back here. i still seldom call the apartment home though it is becoming more so as i get more and more tired.

i got good news. i am the associate at work given the most hours. being given hours is based on performance, and i perform. no one would ever know that my soul is dying on the vine. no one knows i am grieving, that i am sighing inside, that i welcome going back to the apartment and to my constant, furry companions and yet i dread walking inside to this empty place, living this empty life.

i think i am going through a bout of depression. but i will not medicate myself through it. i do not want chemical happiness. i just want to keep going.

i wish he were here. i wish i knew if he remembers me, worries about me, but then it really isn't for us to know. i think we are not meant to know otherwise our choices here would be vastly different. for example, i might just sit down and wait for him to come to me, and never lift my head again.

that sounds terribly sad. no worries. i am simply very sad tonight. exhausted. still living under the humidifier. i cannot turn it off yet. i still need it. and that scares me a little.
i think i will just lay down tonight and wait for my Dragon to come. i will cry a lot tonight, which sucks because it will make me more congested. c'est la vie. my "vie." but i will allow myself to give in to this sullen moon. i will hope the clouds part for a moment so i can see the "supermoon." i will lay down and give up and give in ...... at least for tonight.

"come to me in my dreams and then by day i shall be well again. for the night will more than pay the hopeless longing of the day." ~ W. Shakespeare

6 comments:

Suzann said...

Tonight under this full, full moon - I am thinking about you and I send love and care - xoxox Your Sister, Suzann

Boo said...

I think that we are hurting more because we aren't in that fogginess anymore ... it is clear and crisp this grief now ... and we take the harder path in the short-term by not taking meds, BUT I do believe it's better for us long-term. My biggest fear about meds is that when we stopped taking them, we'd have to go through it all again. Now I'd do it all again for him, but not for meds.

I know I sound like a stuck record, but ohhh how I wish we all lived closer together! Just to sit with you a while xxx

womanNshadows said...

thank you, Suzann, sister.

Boo, stuck record or not, i agree. i wish we were all in the same little community. i think we all need that tribe around the campfire comfort.

peace to all.

thelmaz said...

I did not get to see the moon. It was too cloudy here. Although I went in and out at least 20 times, I couldn't find it. I thought of you, looking for your Dragon and the supermoon.

Sandy said...

I saddled up my mule and went for a ride to take some pictures of the moon. You were in my thoughts. May you find some peace.

Pam said...

"i wish he were here. i wish i knew if he remembers me, worries about me, but then it really isn't for us to know. i think we are not meant to know otherwise our choices here would be vastly different. for example, i might just sit down and wait for him to come to me, and never lift my head again."

i don't know what more to say than that...........
i wonder that, too.

Post a Comment