how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Bunny is very, very sick.....

......really sick. she is a little scared, too. she went to work and got up from the stuffer that stuffs the bears and bunnies and she staggered dizzily from not being able to breathe. they saw and sent her on her way. she is so hot and so cold. her little Bunny Bun Bun head hurts awful and every time she coughs it is like knives are being thrust into her little Bunny chest.

she is a little scared this time around. this feels a little worse. she can hardly wait for her daughter to get off work and talk to her.

she can hardly wait until she feels better. maybe when the fever breaks. maybe if she could just take one deep breathe that does not hurt her.

maybe if she did not have to work tomorrow. scared little Bunny quivering under the quilt.
it is not new year's eve to Bunny. it is just another day that she is so very sick. and scared about it.

Dragon? where are you? i need you! please come sit with me. please. *hot Bunny tears fall*

5 comments:

Suddenwidow said...

I'm sorry you're still not feeling better. Is it possible to get to a walk in clinic and get some antibiotics, or at least get a doctor to listen to your chest to see if you need antibiotics? It's been going on so long I'd say it's time to get it checked out.

Sending you warm chicken soup, Vicks on a warm hot cloth and Tylenol for your fever. Keep us posted.

Anonymous said...

i hope you were able to talk to your daughter and she helped you feel a little less scared .. it sucks being so sick and being alone .. but you have your dragon close by still keeping an eye on you .. and all your fb friends are here for you ! wish you a speedy recovery .. C.

J-in-Wales said...

Being sick and alone is the pits. Stay warm and rest as much as you can. Please look after yourself.
Jxxx

Lacey said...

Oh bunny, how I wish I were there to just be with you and care for you while you were sick. I'm sure your Dragon is there and frustrated as hell that he can't make you feel better. Being sick on my own without Elliott's care or sympathy is one of those firsts that I'm dreading. I hate that your experiencing it now. If I wasn't a few thousand miles away I'd be right there to fill in for Dragon. Sending you my love.

thelmaz said...

These things always seem to happen around the holidays when you can't call your doctor, but Suddenwidow is right--you should go to a clinic or ER and get some medicine. I hope by now you have and that the fever has broken. Sometimes sitting in a hot shower and breathing in the steam helps you breathe better.

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