how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, December 6, 2010

naming what i feel

i do not know what this is that i am feeling.

i am grateful for my job. i want to and need to keep it year round.
i am grateful for my children. they are grown and do not need me though; not like they did when they were small.

i sew for others. i am grateful to be able to do this. maybe i will be remembered when i am gone. or the idea of me will be remembered.

i feel trapped though. i feel crushed and surrounded by grief and worry.
i feel like i do not have enough time left and yet i cannot define what i really mean by that.

i miss him. my Dragon had brought me back to life. i only existed for such a long, long time.
i had created the ideas of fantasy and dreams, wishes and hopes for my children. i wanted them to have lives. then i met my Dragon and a world opened to me. we had dreams and love. we had hopes and love. we had plans and our love for each other.

and they all died with him. everything died with him.
i am treading water carrying sorrow and doubt and worry and stress. will there ever be less of those things? will i ever feel the pressure leave my chest?

is this despair? what is this that i am feeling? i honestly do not know. is this normal? 22 months on Thursday. "{despair is} the worst betrayal, the coldest seduction: to believe at last that the enemy will prevail." ~ M. Piercy. who is my enemy? myself and my inability to get control of my grief and worry over money? death who took my lovely Dragon away? my mother who trained me to be submissive? Voldemort who tried to convince me i was not worth loving? who is my enemy?

all i know is lately, i wake up sobbing. i go to bed more exhausted than ever before. i am drained of every bit of energy i started the day with which was precious little.

something has happened that i cannot speak about, but my Christmas is ruined. i hurt so much over it. i have been writing in my journal for a couple of months about it, but i find it is not enough. i want to scream outside somewhere. i want to raise my fist and scream in anger at the universe that sets these things up like this. haven't i suffered enough? you want more from me? what's left? what do i have left that i am not supposed to have? i am pretty low right now. i have been stripped of so much already and i really did not have that much to start with.

i had my little Dragon Christmas tree decorated. i am considering taking the lights off so that i am not tormented with having them there but not turning them on to save on the electric bill. but then the Whos of Whoville had all their decorations taken away and celebrated anyway. am i any less a Who? people do not know Who i am. all they know of me is the brief time we have spent together, either online, on the phone, or some time in person which has not been long. i have no long time friends. only people who have known me since my Dragon died. so if i take down the lights i hesitate to turn on, will i be any less a Who? will i regret not having them there for the one moment i may want to see them on for a few minutes?

see the abstract queries my mind plagues me with? i do not need this.

oh, please, stop. please just let me be. i am not asking for anything. the only thing i am asking for is this job to stay permanent so i can pay rent and eat. two things that a lot of people take for granted as is their right. have a roof and eating is not really a right. it can be a luxury for some people. fighting for it, working so hard for it, and then to have something else happen to ruin Christmas.

i want my Dragon. i would not balk at the ride ending so i can go to where he is waiting. there is so much pain here.
wouldn't it be nice to imagine Beach Bunny closing her eyes and then her soul opens to seeing him drawing in the sand on a beach somewhere in Heaven? he is obviously waiting for his Bunny. he still loves her.

it is a better vision than the nightmares i have been having the last almost 3 weeks. in all the dreams the locations are different. the set up is different. but the plot is the same. i am searching for my Dragon and i just miss him, or he is not there, or has moved on and i am too late. i startle awake and then i sob. i cry for upwards of half an hour. exhausted, i fall back asleep. is this despair? or is this simply being close to but not quite at 2 year?
22 months on Thursday. a ruined Christmas. fear. stress. worry. waning energy. insomnia. deep intense grief. i am coping as best as i can. i keep up the pretense at work. i crumple back here at the apartment. i make as many people happy as i can. i have not and will not give up.

but i do not know what this is that i am feeling. i do not have a name for it. i am in pain. my soul is in anguish.
and the only one who can give me comfort, the only one who ever loved me, is in this urn.


Boo said...

I have no words, only wishes for you. That you get more hours, that you find some peace, some respite from this constant battle ...

I have been very very low recently ... the holidays are coming, the two year anniversary, being snowed in alone, the loss is more palpable, more painful somehow.

I can kind of guess what (or who) has sabotaged your Christmas and I'm sorry. If I had the cash, I would literally fly you over here x

thelmaz said...

Oh, I am hurting for you. I hope you get some peace soon. I don't know what has ruined your Christmas (which is hard enough anyway when you're grieving) but I can only say, don't give someone that power over you. Whoever it is doesn't deserve it. You have so much talent and so much to give the world. Please take care, Thelma Z

Suddenwidow said...

So sorry that you're still going through *%^#. I was hoping that your new job would give you some liberation from that situation (I'm only assuming, like Boo). If you need to vent, send me an email. I'll be back online later tonight.

In the meantime, I wish you peace and rest.

judemiller1 said...

You always wish me "peace" when you send me an e-mail. I wish that for you now. The dang Holidays are so hard. The memories so near. I don't know what or who may have ruined Christmas for you, but I hate them for it. I will pray that some iota of peace comes to you.

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