how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Bunny / Wall*E

tired. Bunny is very tired. so am i. we both are. Bunny and me. me and the Bun. one and the same and yet, one is stoic while the other is the sensitive one who allows herself to cry out loud. in private, of course. Bunny may be sensitive but she is not an exhibitionist.

Bunny has fun at work. i keep up the pretense so that i can hopefully keep the job, make it permanent. it is a good place to work. fun. toys. dressing up bunnies and bears and dogs. i am, at present, typing while i watch Wall*E. i love this movie. i have never gotten to see the whole thing, but tonight i am. he is so interested in his job and yet so soulfully lonely. Bunny feels a little like him. she works very hard, but she carries within her such longing for her Dragon. Bunny is lonely like Wall*E.

pssst. see the photo of Bunny below? she is limp. she has gotten her Cube of Love and is just lying there. her Dream Journal has slipped from it's spot and smacked her little face. yes, Bunny has had so many nightmares of late that she is keeping a journal. the Matriarch of Grief and Joy thinks there may be a pattern there, there may be something there. of course there is. Bunny already knows the direction of the undertow in her psyche. she will not say it here but, Bunny knows. Bunny is not so blind that she cannot see the gauntlet in her own life.

Bunny gets home and first takes Miss Carmen Sophia the Wild Gypsy Girl and her lovely brother, Mr. Scootie Wootums, Lord of the Dance with the Stardust Eyes out for walkies. but then she flops on the sofa and wilts. tired. ears ringing. limp like a noodle. and thirsty. oh, my gosh, have mercy, Bunny is thirsty from all the talking and all the heart ceremonies she performs every day. and then she has to coddle her Scotties. they have missed her fiercely so she talks them down from their fears that Bunny is never going to come home.

'nother *sigh.*

Bunny is very weary these days.

ruined Christmas. Bunny's son cannot come for Christmas. he had said he would since he missed last Christmas and he missed this Thanksgiving. but the Great Puppet Master did something or other and my son is going north for Christmas for 7 days. so sad. so tearful. if Bunny thinks about it too much she crumples into a little Bunny heap and cannot function for a while.

okay? if she does that, is that giving in, or expunging poison? hmmmm. the great debate over that may commence.

Bunny came home from work the other day and found a gifty at the door. a big box with a little Christmas tree in it that had little wooden ornaments in it. she fluffed it and decorated it and put it on the bookshelf by her bed.
it smells all piney in her bedroom, which is poetic since Bunny pines for her Dragon. {Bunny is so funny even when its kinda sad.}
Bunny misses her Dragon very, very, very much.

Bunny has a big query to put out there for her dear readers. Bunny was at the post office last Tuesday to mail a quilt to someone. while standing in line with her daughter, the man behind starting talking to Bunny. he overheard where Bunny worked. Bunny was polite. Bunny was nice. Bunny's daughter said Bunny was a polite, nice person to the man and that the man was flirting with Bunny. Bunny scoffed at her daughter and said, "next, the grocery store."

BUT, the next day at work, this man showed up at Bunny's store and bought a gift card. he talked to Bunny again, making little jokes. Bunny took the second to talk to her store's "guest" very politely and while she did this she touched her wedding rings. the man did not seem to notice. today, the man came back and Bunny pointed him out to her manager. now both of us girls think this is a little much. the manager made sure that Bunny did not have to wait on this "guest" again, but he sort of hung around until she had to. he bought another gift card. nice for Bunny, but kinda creepy. when Bunny left this afternoon, the manager called for a security guard to sort of follow Bunny out to make sure she was not followed.

still another sigh. is Bunny being paranoid? her manager did not think so. he has been nice but very much hovering on the periphery. cannot put her finger on it but Bunny gets an Off Feeling about this.

any thoughts for the Bun?

okay, Christmas Day ~ she has her Christmas Day plans all set. she is not going to tell anyone, not even you, dear readers, until the day of. she is accepting of and satisfied with her plans. it will be what is best for everyone concerned. no worries about Bunny. she knows how to put one little fuzzy foot in front of the other.
but she is very, very sad these days. crawling up on 2 years. 365 days x 2 = 730. *sigh.* she is quietly, deep inside kind of sad. the kind of sad that only someone who knows Bunny can see. but you have to see her to see it. and she wears her glasses to hide it. Bunny does not wear rose-colored glasses. she wears shades. as in "so much pain her dazzled eyes refused to see." Bunny protects her eyes from the dazzling, burning pain that looking at her life, and her future, can do to her little Bunny retinas.

Bunny sometimes thinks of the day when she will no longer be tired. she will be free to fly away with her Dragon. she will not hurry it along, but she does think of it, of what it will be like to no longer worry, to no longer be so tired.
just "fly me away with you my love."


oh, no!! Wall*E is hanging on for dear life to the side of Eva's rocketship! he is leaving his little cockroach friend behind! ohhhhhh! another lonely soul. Bunny has to go and watch Wall*E, and see if he can find Eva, and then get them back to Earth so the little cockroach is no longer alone.

*sigh* i hope it works out for Wall*E and the little cockroach. no one should be alone in the world.


thelmaz said...

Sounds creepy.

Suddenwidow said...

I agree with Thelma. The guy sounds a little creepy. Trust your gut reaction. Sorry about your son having to go north. My vote is that you would only be expunging poison. And my sons and I loved Wall*E.

Anonymous said...

very, very, very creepy .. make sure you don't leave the store alone .. and try not to walk the dogs to late .. he has your address if you put your return address on what you were mailing .. always trust your gut .. lock your door .. put up the bar (i hope you did get it) and hopefully it will subside .. i wouldn't worry to much .. your dragon is always looking out for you .. if he does come into your store again .. have someone or you firmly mention that your husband would not appreciate any bothering you while you are not around .. that should be a forceful enough hint .. i love the tree you got and i'm glad you're enjoying your job .. stay well and be careful .. C.

Anonymous said...

ps - i see lots of errors in my writing .. sorry .. don't know how to fix it .. but i think you understand what i'm trying to say .. i think it's time for me to go to bed now .. lol .. nite nite bunny .. C.

Boo said...

yes, trust your gut reaction my friend, always. Better safe than sorry. It sounds a little like he is smitten ... but this comes across as creepy, whatever.

You take care of yourself - how nice that your manager cares enough to send a person out after you.

If you come face to face with him again, just let him know that you are happily married to a ginormous man - I've told that little white lie (is it a lie ... as I still feel married) a couple of times.

I hope you are going to be alright over the holidays. Ugh, I despise that man still affecting your life. Such a shame about your son, I hope that you get some time with your daughter and her husband.

love Boo xx

p.s. love that little tree.

judemiller1 said...

Strange, but I didn't get the feeling that the man was creepy, merely interested in Bunny because, SHE IS GORGEOUS!!!!But, then again, I tend to be too trusting and naive, so trust your own feelings about him.

Love the little pine tree.

womanNshadows said...

he did come in once more since i wrote this post. his flirting was obvious, even to me. i told him i was married, because i am, in a way, in my heart. he nodded and left. i think that will do it. he did not seem angry.

and Judy, crazy girl, Bunny is not really gorgeous. she is faded. she is tired, and her eyes are, well, melancholy even on the better days. but thank you for thinking that. it made Bunny sit up a little straighter, and smile a little. bless you.

peace to all of you.

Lonesome Dove said...

How flattering that you have an admirer! However creepy you perceive it to be, always go with your instincts. However, I often wonder and am curious about others. Although I am not looking for anyone to be my partner, I am always looking for new friends. I probably come off as creepy at times because of my woefully lacking social skills. Possibly he is a widower as well and sensed your sorrow and tried the only way he could think of to reach out for a friend? It could happen.

I am so sorry that evil is overshadowing this time of year for you. Know that there are many of us here in your extended family who are here for you.

Wishing you peace.


thelmaz said...

I don't know (or even care) what Bunny looks like on the outside; inside she's gorgeous.

Split-Second Single Father said...

I'm glad that you used caution and that he has hopefully gotten the message. It's too bad that the flattery of this gentleman caller had to be overshadowed by the strange nature by which he went about gaining your attention, but I'm sure it was still nice to be noticed! (I know it flatters me when a girl notices me, even if I have no interest in pursuing a relationship with her.)

Your plans are just that-yours. I'm glad that you have plans in mind for Christmas Day and I hope that they are just what you need at that moment. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas, however you choose to celebrate it.

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