how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

one sided conversation

i have been embroidering jeans and a shirt for Bunny, the Traveling Ambassador of Grief and Whimsey. she will be very pretty when i am done. also she will have sounds in her little hands/paws. one side will say, "i love you." the other side will giggle like Bunny here does.Bunny and i have been working very hard and we ran out of Airborne, that tablet that helps prevent us from getting colds. well, we got one and, like in times before, it is a doozy. crushing chest weights. fever. chills. feeling like i will not make it. they seem to get worse every year.

so here is the one sided conversation that plays out in my head like it has in the past.

i give you, my Dragon.

She is sick again. I can hear her wheezing badly. God, I hate this. I wish I could take care of her but I can't anymore. I can only be here out of reach, out of her hearing me. It brings her down so low and yesterday, if I could have done something to stop her I would have. She went to work. She f***ing went to work feeling like she does! I know {our daughter} was really upset and worried. Every breath she takes she wheezes. She sounds likes she's whistling. And the fever. How could they not tell she was sick? She's killing herself to keep that job. If they don't hire her permanently I am going to come down there and raise some hell!

Dragon, can you hear me? probably not. you're in Heaven and i'm down here in Purgatory. well, not really Purgatory but you know what i mean. being without you feels like that. {long pause} i'm sick again. it's in my chest. why does it always settle in my chest? i know, my lungs were scarred or damaged from that time before. i'm hot. i'm so hot right now. and i may have to work from 5 - 10 PM tonight. i'm on call, like last night. but you would have been proud of me. i got there and focused on the job and brought up the percentage of sales on sounds. i did a good job.

Aw, Bunny, my love. I wish you could hear me and know I'm here. Please know I'm here. I could never leave you. You always believed in God. I was the heathen. You know God would never let me be far from you. You were the one who believed. I'm here. Close your eyes and feel me close.

i wish you were here. i like the way you made the hot tea. i don't know what you did but it always tasted good and it helped me sleep.

Because I slipped in some whiskey. You never knew that. I wished I had told you so you could do it now. There were so many things I did for you. I wish I hadn't been so sneaky. Like the hot washcloths for your chest. I rubbed Vick's on them. God, I wish I had told you. I just never thought I'd have to leave like I did.

i'm so tired. i wish things were different. i wish you hadn't had to go. i can't eat. nothing tastes good and i'm too tired to really cook. {our daughter} is worried enough without me telling her how down i really feel. she got mad at me for going into work last night.

She was just upset, Love. She was just worried about you. You look so tired and you sound sick. You can't breathe! Just stay down today. Lay around and sleep. Read. Sew a little but only if you can do it while laying on the sofa. Please. For me. I don't want you to die like this. Gasping for air. Like I did. Your voice. God, I remember your voice. How scared you were. And you're there alone. Without me to help you, to be there for you. But I'm here, Love, my Beautiful Bunny. I'll be here for you always.

i wish you could hear me. i wish i knew if you were out there to watch over me, waiting for me. i'm laying on my pillowcase with your face on it. i'm under my quilt i made from some of your clothes. i just wish it were you i was laying with. i think i could sleep if only you were here with me.
I'm here, my Love. Try to sleep. Play your songs and try to sleep. Let the medicine try to work. I'm here, my Bunny. Close your eyes and try to find me in your dreams.


Anonymous said...

beautiful ! feel better and rest .. C.

Suddenwidow said...

Take care and feel better soon. I remember when I had H1N1 last winter. I sat on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, wheezing and wishing with all my might that he would come and take care of me. It was a very scary few days, with no one to look after me and still being responsible for my children. Fear and loneliness when we're ill is especially overwhelming. I'm praying your chest clears soon and your fever breaks. I'm sorry your Dragon isn't there to take care of you in human form but I know his spirit is there with you, wrapping you in love.

thelmaz said...

I hope you're better soon. This fall I had bronchitis for two months--four rounds of antibiotics and a steroid shot before I got better. I wasn't sick enough to be home from work but I coughed a lot, and one of my kids said, "Miss Thelma, are you going to die? Will you be here tomorrow?"
I assured him I would.
I'm with you on wishing for my husband when I'm sick. I want someone to take care of me and no one could do it better.

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