how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve II ~ The Kiss, my poem, and other ramblings

i am finished with work for today. i was there for the store to open at 8 AM and put in my hours. for the first time in over a week i am back here before dark. the dogs love it. it is nice to be back before dark. i am about to start in working on another Memory Quilt, but i wanted to post my Christmas Eve poem. i think it might be a yearly thing. who knows anymore. we make plans then someone dies and it all goes awry.

the Bun is not a fan of "awry."

first, The Kiss. Bunny and i got back here and she instantly wanted out of her Christmas Elf costume. oh, wow, were those leggings hot. she put on her jeans and sweater since we are keeping the apartment temp. a little cooler to save money. we sat down to write the poem when Dragon caught the eye.

*sigh* my Dragon was a great kisser. i miss kissing him. he kissed slow and lazy. i will not go into detail, but the man had mad skills. Bunny would go all slumpy and he would rumble a deep laugh at her surrender to his kissing. {there. that was not too graphic.}
a great kiss deserves a close up.
but Bunny is alone again this Christmas. her children have other places to be. her son got teary and her daughter is militant about the length of time that she will spend at her in-laws. she will be stopping by later on Christmas Day. yea!

but for now.....

Bunny is home alone right now
with no one to see
and nowhere to go,
but Bunny has plenty to do this eve
for there's words to write
and things to sew.

it's Christmas Eve again for Bun
she's lonely and blue
and missing her love,
But God and the moon made promises
to her, that he's happy and
safe in Heaven above.

so for yet another Christmas Eve
Bunny will sigh and
Bunny may cry,
but she's willing to wait for Dragon Time
when he comes to take her
to his Home in the sky.

waiting.

i have been thinking about this word. waiting around. waiting room. this is a really nice planet. there are a lot of beautiful things here to see. lovely waterfalls. beautiful gorges. trees that seem to almost touch Heaven. the ocean so deep with fish that have lights of their own.

but now that my Dragon has gone, i find that i look at the sky often. i am reading a book someone sent me. it is titled, "Seven Choices." i am not very far into it, but one thing stood out. the woman who authored the book writes that she did not want to be defined by her grief. i have heard and read this a lot. i know a great many widow(ers)s feel this way. they do not want to be defined by the death of their spouse. i understand this. for them. i am not sure about it for me. i do not know what it means to me, or about me, or for me.

i hate the word widow, but at this point, i am more used to it. i do tell people i am my Dragon's widow if they specifically ask. i do not know if i am defined by my grief. at 22 months, i still feel it deeply though the guests who come through the store would never guess that i am even sad at all. but i have gotten off work, been driven back here, gotten inside and cried my eyes out.

i miss him. i admit i would like to have him back. i know i cannot. i know what is reality and what is wishful thinking, or wistful thinking.

i think i am a waiting kind of person. i say that at this moment in my life. i am waiting. i do not really care if anyone does not understand or scoffs at me. it is what i feel and know right now. he is my husband. he is my friend, my happiness, my life, my soul, my future.....

he is my love.

he is my Christmas.

i guess i am still grieving? deeply? actively? i do not know. what i do know is i would love for him to be here. i would love to be with him right now. i would love to not be so....... sad? down? bucking myself off the Grief-Empowerment Band Wagon? (long story ~ some other time}. i have not taken off my rings. i still have a lot of his stuff lying around with no impulse to do anything with it. it comforts me to see it, even if i have to move it aside to get to something else.

i am willing to wait. i will work and eat and walk the dogs and laugh with my children and sew for them and for others and myself. but i have this waiting feeling inside me. this world is my waiting room. i am waiting for my clock to wind down and the final chapter of my life to be written. then i fully expect my pages will be gathered up and added to the library that i like to tell myself is behind the moon. my chapters will be fitted in next to my Dragon's because our story has to end together....

with us being together....

it just has to because he and i are meant to be.

i am still having the bad dreams, but then i have off and on my whole life. i know why, but i do not know how to make them stop. the recurring dream hit me again hard last night and i wake up jarred. it feels so real when i am in it and yes, while i am there i know that it is not real, but i still run, i still get hurt, and i wake up clawing the air. there is no point in putting it in my Dream Journal. i know it by heart. i have had this dream since i was a little girl, and even after i was safe in my Dragon's arms.

the heartbreaking point is that i used to deal with it by myself. it was what it was. but now i know what it is like to wake from it held tightly and safely in my Dragon's arms. having had that, remembering how tenderly he treated me, and now having to face this alone again....... shattering. heartbreaking. yeah, all that.
it is Christmas Eve. almost time to plug in my little string of lights. i will sketch out this quilt tonight and see how far i get before i get too tired. i will have comedies on the television for light-hearted fair as the evening wears on into Santa time. then i will go to bed with my two Scotties.

and when i wake up, it will be Christmas. Christmas without my son again. Christmas without my daughter until late.

Christmas without my Dragon.

{whispered low for Bunny's benefit alone.}
i can do this. i can do this. it will be alright. i will be alright. right?

3 comments:

Split-Second Single Father said...

RIGHT! (shouting it to reassure Bunny). You can do this and you will. Wishing you the best this Christmas and praying for you always. Merry Christmas.

Dan, in real time. said...

Merry Christmas. Sending you all of God's blessings tonight.

bev said...

Best wishes to you over the holidays and in the coming year, WnS.

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