it is a luxury item but i wanted it badly. silly thing really but i haven't allowed myself many luxuries beyond extra embroidery floss, and a stuffed rabbit to entertain myself with. i smiled when i opened the little box and saw it in there. after i set aside the quilting for the night, i had to set up Dragon and Beach Bunny for the photo. now that i look at it, Bunny is leaning. yep, she's definitely flirting with Dragon by leaning in a little bit close. but now it's time for all Bunnies to go to bed and rest.
and come up with more goofy ideas for Bunny. it's lame but it amuses me. my daughter likes it and she knows it makes me happy. it's my way of playing a little bit.
i needed to play for a few minutes today. see, i sort of got these heart palpitations today, a bit of a panic attack. it's going to be one whole year. i know it's coming but for some reason it sounded terrible. a year. i had to push the needle into the quilt and set the frame aside for a few minutes. my eyes started burning and tears trickled down. not sobs, just tears. and my heart started beating rapidly. i felt like i needed to run away but there is no where to go to get away from the fact that he is.....
i walked over to his urn to touch it and i realized for the second time since my Dragon died that i didn't have the funeral director person cut me a lock of his hair to keep. it made me so sad. i wish i had asked.
his ashes are in there. he is in there but not really him, not the part that i love, just the body that carried his soul. but it's the visible reminder of the part that i got to touch. his ashes are waiting for me to die and be cremated so that we can be mixed together. it's what he and i talked about. then some of our ashes can be split between my two children and the rest given to the ocean.
my palpitations passed and i got back to work. i wore my camo hat the rest of the day. but now, i'm off to bed to try to sleep. it's after midnight. i hope i sleep some.