how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Camp Widow Camo Hat

i saved my money and ordered a Camp Widow Camo Hat so i can dress like my Marine Dragon. i know. we're camouflaged. i bet you can't tell us apart so i'll give you a hint. my hat has "Camp Widow" embroidered on it.

it is a luxury item but i wanted it badly. silly thing really but i haven't allowed myself many luxuries beyond extra embroidery floss, and a stuffed rabbit to entertain myself with. i smiled when i opened the little box and saw it in there. after i set aside the quilting for the night, i had to set up Dragon and Beach Bunny for the photo. now that i look at it, Bunny is leaning. yep, she's definitely flirting with Dragon by leaning in a little bit close. but now it's time for all Bunnies to go to bed and rest.

and come up with more goofy ideas for Bunny. it's lame but it amuses me. my daughter likes it and she knows it makes me happy. it's my way of playing a little bit.

i needed to play for a few minutes today. see, i sort of got these heart palpitations today, a bit of a panic attack. it's going to be one whole year. i know it's coming but for some reason it sounded terrible. a year. i had to push the needle into the quilt and set the frame aside for a few minutes. my eyes started burning and tears trickled down. not sobs, just tears. and my heart started beating rapidly. i felt like i needed to run away but there is no where to go to get away from the fact that he is.....

i walked over to his urn to touch it and i realized for the second time since my Dragon died that i didn't have the funeral director person cut me a lock of his hair to keep. it made me so sad. i wish i had asked.

his ashes are in there. he is in there but not really him, not the part that i love, just the body that carried his soul. but it's the visible reminder of the part that i got to touch. his ashes are waiting for me to die and be cremated so that we can be mixed together. it's what he and i talked about. then some of our ashes can be split between my two children and the rest given to the ocean.

my palpitations passed and i got back to work. i wore my camo hat the rest of the day. but now, i'm off to bed to try to sleep. it's after midnight. i hope i sleep some.

5 comments:

Widow in the Middle said...

I am so glad you were able to get the cap and that you are having some moments of fun with the bunny and dragon. It is not silly and it reminds me that I need to create more lightness in my day.

Boo said...

Love it, and can't wait to see YOU wearing it! Where did you buy it from? I know where, I mean how? Do you have the link?

womanNshadows said...

Boo, yes, i have the contact info. i'll put it here for others plus i'll also email you so you have it there.

it's called a Camp Widow Camo Bucket Hat and it sells for $25. email Michele Neff Hernandez at: contact@sslf.org she'll let you know shipping, if there is any tax, all that stuff.

i'm going to wear it in August. on the plane. in the taxi. to bed. to breakfast. =0}

WITM, i am so glad i saved up for it as well. i'm saving for all the little incidentals that will come up in San Diego but i just wanted the hat so badly. and setting up the stuffed bunny is fun. but i promise not to drink any wine and set up shots. no drinking and photo shoots. my sense of humor is wacky enough without adding alcohol to the situation.

judemiller1 said...

I so hate the panic attacks--they feel like there is really somethinig wrong with your heart. Love the cammo hat and Dragon and Beach Bunny are absolutely beautiful together--such a pair!!

Suddenwidow said...

Love the hat and your playfulness with Dragon and Bunny! Whimsy is good for the soul! I look forward to seeing you wear your hat!!! Is there a list of things that SSLF is selling posted somewhere on their site?

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