how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

"whistling away the dark"

i finished my third Dragon handkerchief around midnight. i had an oldies station playing on the radio and this song came on as i was tying off the last knot. it stayed in my head as i brushed my teeth and went to lie on the bed. i pulled the quilt up and i found the song still playing in my mind. Henry Mancini song. Julie Andrews, the singer.

often i think this sad, old world
is whistling in the dark
Just like a child, who, late from school
Walks bravely home through the park
To keep their spirits soaring
And keep the night at bay
Neither quite knowing which way they are going
They sing the shadows away.

Often I think my poor old heart
Has given up for good
And then I see a brave new face
I glimpse some new neighborhood
So walk me back home, my darling
Tell me dreams really come true
Whistling, whistling, here in the dark with you
Whistling, whistling, here in the dark with you.

my life has been changed, and yes, i'll say it. it's changed for the worse because my Dragon was so perfectly flawed yet so perfect for me. and no, i don't know "which way i am going." i'm following the path as it comes. and while i struggle forward i find things to push the "shadows away." sewing for others brings a purpose to my life; as if maybe this is one very small reason i am still here. but i reserve the very late at night for myself. and when i finish each dragon on these handkerchiefs, i see him again. his strength. his life that he lived every minute of. it's always late, so very late, when i finish one of these and i guess you could say that i take these feelings of communion with him to bed with me. so in a way i'm "whistling in the dark" until he can "walk me back home." only when i am with him again will "my dreams really come true."


Dan, in real time. said...

The Dragons are lovely. What do you plan to do with them? Frame them?

The song lyrics are so hauntingly beautiful. They really put you into the space of keeping your loved one close to your heart.

Thank you for sharing it.

Widow in the Middle said...

I thought about your post from yesterday all day and just could not think of how to respond. Dan's reply was very good.

It is sometimes hard for me to reply because I have some glimmer of what you are emotionally facing. I hesitate because I don't want to risk saying anything that might cause you more pain. Does that make any sense?

What I have been thinking about is how much more agonizing it is to work through many layers of grief, especially having lived through all of the experiences that you have. I believe that when we are grieving, old ghosts and unresolved issues join in with the present pain so there is really much more going on than just the recent loss. Some of us have bigger burdens to wrestle with than others.

Being physically isolated in addition to the emotional isolation is just another blow.

It is frustrating to be in a position where you wish you could do more but there is not much you can do besides thinking about someone and trying to provide some support via words. And then there is a fear that the words provided will be inadequate or taken the wrong way.

I sincerely think and care about you. It pains me to know that you have to face your losses so much on your own. I very much value the cyber relationship that exists between us. And I always appreciate your words, thoughts, advice, care and concern that you send to me.

judemiller1 said...

I found the finished handkerchief to make me sad. It seems you are all crumpled into a heap and perhaps that is the truth. But it is still a beautiful work of art and it does tell a story.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow.
Love you

womanNshadows said...

Dan, i am going to sew them all together then back them with oriental silk and make them a wall hanging. i have my wood carving tools so i might try to carve the ends on the rod i hang it from. it's a labor of love that i'm doing one step at a time but with a vision of how i want it to be.

WITM, i read but it doesn't stick. i've been feeling distracted since Christmas Day. i'm in and out of being here and being in a dream world where he's going to come back. it's my birthday this month and he always made it so wonderful with not a dime spent. creating that magic, well, it can never be. i've been having flashbacks to my previous existences and i sketch a thumbnail to release the poison. can't let it build up.

jude, yes, i'm crumpled at the bottom, but my wings are still gold metallic floss and they shine with the hope of being back with my Dragon who is still fiercely hovering over me. all the dragons will be sewn in a certain order in the wall hanging to tell a story, our story, his and mine.

Boo said...

oh, it will be beautiful, a love story told in silk <3

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