how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

woke up crying....

it wasn't from a bad dream. it wasn't because a dream of him was interrupted. i simply woke up and before i could stretch and get out of bed, it hit me. he's dead. i've always hated that word. two hard consonant sounds. in sign language it's very simple. the hands are very soft. that's why i like sign language better than speech because all the emotions are in the face and hands to get the across what you want to express. i wish i'd thought to find an interpreter to sign my Dragon's funeral. not that i'm deaf, but hard of hearing means it's hard to hear every word and if there had been an interpreter, there would have been an anchor there to cling to.

my ear hurts this morning and my tinnitus has come calling.

if he were here, he'd make me hot tea and turn the music on low to help me focus on something pretty. he'd make sure he was facing me to talk to me so i could see his lips. damnit. he'd just be here.

my belief in Heaven has been rattled. i was so sure throughout the bad times in my life that someday i would die and hopefully would be judged meek and honorable enough to go to Heaven. am i though? i've lied during my life to protect my children, and yes, me, from "he who shall not be named." does that count? i hid money from him, too. is that theft? i just wanted us to get through it. i wanted my children to grow up and me to get away. i didn't want to live that afraid anymore, or filled with that much self-hatred because i wasn't pretty, or quick enough.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted."

those are the ones i think about. i feel poor in spirit. really feel poor in spirit today. i miss him so much that my heart actually hurts. right now, as i type this, i am crying so much that the words get blurry. i have to blink, blink to clear my vision.

i've always leaned towards meek, unless my children were threatened, but that's what i'm here for. to protect them. but i am at heart a very meek person who avoids confrontation. i like taking long walks to pick up rocks and shells. i like taking photographs. i like to feel the wind kick up and smell the ozone before a storm. i like a quiet life with a lot of time spent outdoors. it sounds like a personals ad and the only one i want answering has died and left me here alone. he is so perfect for me. he is so great. he is so wonderful. i like him so much as well as love and adore him. why did he have to go? please, someone tell me why he was taken away. i'm on my knees asking why this morning because i need him so much.

i saw him fighting to breathe. oh, my stars, i cannot get that image out of my mind this morning. it hurts so much to think he was in shock, and fear, and in pain. i know, it didn't last long, but no one should be afraid like that. no one should be in pain. but i'm being naive again. and selfish. pretty much everyone who takes the time to read what i write has had their spouse die and have similar memories that haunt them. i'm sorry.

the second week after he died and i was here and still unpacking, my daughter took a photo of my Dragon and had a pillowcase made for me. i hand wash it. i don't let my dogs get near it. i hold it every night. i sleep on it every night. i guess i've become odd. it's my security pillow.

i hugged it this morning and sobbed into his face. he died. he's gone from me. i can't touch him or kiss him or talk to him. i can't hear his voice or smell his skin. i can't stroke his beard or hear his laugh.

if i woke up in the night from a bad dream or was cold, all i had to do was put one finger on his side, or his arm. just one little fingertip and he'd move his big body towards me. he'd straighten his arm up and then underneath me to draw me close. i'd mold myself to him and he'd whisper to my face, "there. that's better." he'd kiss me and it would either "start something" or we'd fall back asleep.

i miss him and the only people who understand the power and the impact of those three words will be the people who read this. and now that i've exposed this pain in my heart to the world, it's time for the meek, the poor in spirit, and those who mourn to go eat something so we don't fall down and then get back to sewing.


Dan, in real time. said...

An apology for your thoughts or feelings is never needed. Yes, we understand, so yes, we listen. I miss all the things you speak of. Our hearts may take longer than we can imagine to become used to the fact that they are gone. Your tears are for good reason, love such as that will be missed every day.

I too have so much doubt about heaven, or after life, now that this has happened in my life. What was once a simple act of faith, now feels like a personal afront.

Wishing you peace today.


Widow in the Middle said...

We read because we want to read. We have forged a connection with you that may be in part from shared loss but we have grown to care about you. And that means we care about what you have to say and how you feel on any given day.

I find the idea of the photo pillowcase very comforting and soothing and am so glad your ever thoughtful daughter got that for you.

I'm staying off the subject of Heaven because right now my hands are too full of what I have to deal with here on Earth to give me much time to mull on that.

I keep thinking of your Dragon's words, "There, that's better" when you would wake up in the middle of the night. To have been in a marriage where you could rely on those words and the Dragon's actions says so much. As Dan said, yes we understand. We really do. And a part of us hurts along with you for your loss as well as ours.

Suddenwidow said...

Yes, we do understand. And don't every appologize. Whatever you need to get out, let it fly, because it only gets worse if we hold onto it. I also have images that push my already broken heart to its limits, but I'm pushing them away for now. I'll invite them back in a couple of weeks, when I have the time and space to deal with them.

I love your pillowcase! I've been meaning to ask you about it. Did your daughter get it made at any giant box store which we might also have in Canada? I think that is such a wonderful thing to have on your bed.

Oh, and I'm revising my description of the mail which is on its way. The beach is coming to you, not really the ocean. It hit me this morning that my description wasn't really accurate. That might give it away a little, but I hope you're still pleasantly surprised!

womanNshadows said...

Dan, i never doubted Heaven until i saw him die, until i was allowed to "sit" with him and i saw how "not there" he was. and then the doubt and wonder hit. it ebbs and flows around my thoughts hitting me when i'm down. i will keep you, and everyone who worries, in my heart. thank you for your words.

WITM, you have too much on your hands to think about abstractions like Heaven. i remember all the little things he said to me to give me comfort and safety and a feeling of home. if i woke him during the night, he was never sullen. i never took him for granted. i had had the worst and then i was blessed with my Dragon.

Suddenwidow, apologizing is a knee jerk reaction from behavior modification. my daughter uploaded a photo to a website called RitzPix.
here's the link to the pricing of all their photo products.

it's done alphabetically as "pillowcase." she took one of my favorite photos from my computer and uploaded it to the site. the pillowcase was mailed to me directly. we never had to leave home. it was a wonderful surprise even though she kept asking, "did you check your mail yet? did you get anything?" i love my pillowcase. let me know if you want to do it and need help making it work.

as for the beach coming, i know i'll be pleasantly surprised. i love mail. catalogs are a reason to smile. cards are a reason to laugh. if you've managed to send me a bit of beach, i know i'll dance in the parking lot. thank you.

Boo said...

oh hon, I'm sorry. I think my heart is hardening a little because it seems like I've banished some memories to protect myself so I can be strong. When I read about your description of you touching him and he would automatically reach for you and scoop you up ... oh god, it came back to me, and oh god I miss that so so much.

I'm sorry your day started like that . .. I hope it ends a little better, love to you xx

Anonymous said...

A wonderful book you might enjoy: "Toward Peace" by Beverly Gordon

judemiller1 said...

I have Tinnitus also--enough to drive you crazy with the high shrill sound of...Cicadas? All the time. I love the pillow case. What a wonderful gift from your daughter..she misses him too, I know. I think the days are going to get harder for you, coming up on February 9th as we are. Wish I could be there and just sit and listen while you tell me your wonderful love story. You didn't deserve any of this and yet it came to you. I often wonder why good people who have finally found some goodness in their life have to lose it so soon.

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