how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

the phone call

there was a blog here about a sensitive subject but i chose to take it down. i'm a girl and girl's have the right to get nervous and change their minds. suffice to say.....

all i want to do is run away sometimes.
my Dragon never ran and i am the Dragon's wife.

i wish i felt like i could write anything i want but it's the Internet. everyone can see. i like having my "friends" here talk to me which means it's public. so, i removed what i wrote. *sigh* that's why the comments below seem off weird.

9 comments:

Juliana said...

Crying.....over here. You write so beautifully. I am here...somwhere across this world wide web I hope this comments helps you in whatever way it possibly can.

Suddenwidow said...

I will be praying for all of you that this resolves in a positive way. If there was anything I could do, I would, in a heart beat. You are strong and your Dragon will be with you at every moment. Stay strong. We will all be sending you our energy to cut down your bully.

womanNshadows said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
womanNshadows said...

Juliana, your comment, thinking of me always helps.

Debbie, thank you for your words. it will be okay. i wrote during a moment of weakness and now i've taken it all out. my heart started pounding. i miss Dragon but i know you read the stuff i took out. know that i how to "do the dance." i know how to take care of my daughter. i emailed you with more than i will put here.

i hate that i continue to censor myself when i think that what i have to say might do someone some good somewhere. somehow. but life is too tenuous. i'm sorry. "i am woman hear me...." not all the time.

judemiller1 said...

I did that with a post once because it turned out way too personal. This is your blog--you have every right to take out anything you want. Your posts are beautiful no matter what you write. I especially love and adore the photo of Bunny getting ready to take a hike!!! How often I have felt that very same way, but usually, I chickened out and just stayed where I was.

I will be away from my computer On Feb. 9th, when it is Dragon's graduation anniversary, but I will try and find a computer somewhere so I can let you know I am thinking of you that day.

Boo said...

I missed the original post and just hope Voldemort isn't bullying you?

womanNshadows said...

hi, Jude, don't worry about being away on Feb. 9th. i know you'll be thinking of me. i hope your being away is for a fun thing.

Boo, the original post was a conversation i related between my daughter and me. Voldemort called to tell us he's coming to "talk" to us. don't know what about, but i'll handle it. being here alone i started getting nervous about it. i'll post again Monday night after we're through with the "visit."

twinmom said...

Wrap yourself in your quilt when he comes to visit and feel the strength of your Dragon. You are so much stronger than you may feel some days, and Dragon can help you through anything. As my son would say, "May the force be with you." And we will all be in our corners of the earth, silently sending more strength your way.

Widow in the Middle said...

You have every right to use your blog in ways that you see fit. I am really enjoying the creativity expressed in your recent photos. I will join the others in thinking of you today and sending my support and love.

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