how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

it is what it is

"i sat evaluating myself.
i decided to lie down." ~ Rod McKuen (i think. it's been a while since i read it.)

i've been sewing like crazy on a quilt for Suddenwidow. one for her eldest is finished. one for her youngest is in the works. i break after 9 PM now so i can sew for myself. i've been working on a gift for my two fairy godmothers to take with me to Camp Widow in August to thank them for getting me there. that's what Bunny is working on in the blog photo. i have no fear that they will be able to figure it out from that photo. =0)

sewing/quilting as a profession is not like being an art director at an advertising which i've done. it's not like working the stock room at a department store or being a sales associate, both of which i've done. it's not like being a SPED teacher of EH boys, which i've also done. all those involve constant interaction with people.

sewing/quilting as a profession is closer to plowing a field or bailing hay, both of which i did on my father's farm during my childhood and teenage years. it's closer to working flowers and plants at a nursery which i have done. you're alone a lot of the time in a very solitary pursuit except driving a tractor and planting, growing, and culling flowers and plants is all done outside, or in the greenhouse. but the common thread is you're alone with your thoughts.

i know how to be alone. i'm not afraid of it, but having come from an intensely close bond, one in which, once he retired from his job, we were never apart, my solitude has been difficult to accept. i'd go down to the cove alone sometimes. he'd run to the grocery store, but beyond an hour here or there, we were never, ever apart.

i wonder if not having my own home, having my things in storage, not having a car, and being anxious about food and making sure i don't make my ex angry, might be making it hard for me to move forward at the pace i would have normally.

i haven't been able to tell my story. except here and here is not at all like talking to a person sitting with you. it's not like sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea and chatting with someone with whom you feel safe. so i talk to my daughter.

she told me she thinks my situation with money, or without it, and lack of mobility has prevented me from finding friends. we're working to resolve the car thing. maybe the VA, when i get approved for something, will be enough for a little car for me. maybe i'll get a book published and i can get some breathing space. maybe ..... ah, forget it. i'm just working on trying to figure something out on a wing and a prayer.

my daughter believes that once i get mobile, i can start going to church regularly again and maybe volunteer again like i did before. maybe, maybe. if wishes were horses then beggars could ride. but if we give up on our wishes and hopes and dreams, then we live for nothing. she and i feel that one day, someday, something good will happen to me again. but i told her that we had the Dragon and that's more than we had ever hoped for. we both got teary. he is a constant wish/hope/dream/memory for the both of us. girls and their Dragons. when a bad boy reforms, oh, Lord, there's nothing quite like him. if he is all i get, i have been blessed.

it's been mentioned that i'm sounding stronger. i'm not any stronger, i'm just settling in. the years i have left without him stretch out achingly long. because of how i was raised and then what happened during my first marriage, i have no sense of entitlement that my Dragon and i will be allowed to see each other again. i will not risk challenging God for something that may not be my place to ask for. there is not enough of me left to think that the deepness and profoundness of our love for each other will carry any weight in the afterlife. having said that, i love my Dragon far too much to stop humbly praying for him and i to be together.

working as i do, writing the letters for my allowance for bills, food, etc, have not given me any revelation that i'll be okay. i am simply settling into what life has dictated to me. i carefully fight for little i have left of myself. my Dragon so wanted to see me come back from what life had done to me. i work. i research for help, Medicaid, VA, grief counseling. i make calls. i try. i am swimming upstream and, though i'm not loosing any ground, i'm not making much headway. but i don't think i'm failing at how i am grieving as it has been suggested, it just is what it is.

wishes? i have several.
hopes? i have a few of those.
dreams? i have two. i'd like a small little townhouse with a walled courtyard to release my little dogs into to play. i could paint the walls and get my things back from my ex. it can become mine in a way that an apartment never will.

and two, i'd like to be granted the blessing of being reunited with my Dragon when it is time for me to leave here.

it's good to have dreams. only in our dreams can we be truly safe, love conquer all, and Dragons live forever.

the moon is almost full again. i'm not going to ever apologize for my relationship with the moon. grief be damned. the moon and i will always look at each other.


judemiller1 said...

Perhaps getting stronger is by yielding to "what is"? I don't know. How I wish all your dreams would come true for you. How I wish the damn VA would get their a** in gear for you. How I wish your stupid ex could change and become kinder (yeah--like that is ever going to happen, right?). How I wish....I just wish so many things for you. I am so glad you have the trip in August to look forward to and prepare for and I love the picture of Beach Bunny--she always makes me smile--even when she was walking out the door and I was scared for her. I am so glad to see that she is back and all right.

Dan, in real time. said...

It is too bad that there are many factors that seem to be contributing to your being isolated. I hope that some of those factors can work themselves out soon.

Has your quilting always been something that you do alone? I know that there are some quilting groups in my area, or people to lead quilting classes. It would be nice if something you already enjoy doing could help be the bridge to bringing new people into your life.

You seem to have such a wonderful relationship with your daughter. My daughter is still young, 18 yrs, but has been so helpful and supportive lately.

I wish you a peaceful weekend.


womanNshadows said...

jude, i wish the VA would hurry as well, but there are military widows in greater need than i, ones younger and with small children. but i am hanging on my bloody fingernails until they get it done. and i do have August to look forward to.

Dan, for some reason this area that i'm in doesn't have quilting groups. they don't have guilds for artists, etc. they have an art association but it's more about sculpture and oils, both of which i do, but just not at this time in this apartment, plus the art assoc. costs to join and maintain the membership. the economy has hit hard and there are only 2 true fabric/quilt stores in a 25 miles surrounding area. even the churches don't have much in the way of social unless it's for some kind of counseling. in 3 years i'll be able to join the seniors center and maybe i'll find some quilters there. in the mean time, i do have my daughter and her value is beyond compare.

Widow in the Middle said...

I love the saying, "It is what it is" and was introduced to it by Sam. I say it a lot these days and it helps me remain in a neutral frame of mind rather than in a blaming and negative one.

Regardless of whether you feel stronger, what you have gone through and what you are doing to keep on going is amazingly strong. I agree that some added mobility in your life would make it easier to get out and about, meet others with similar interests and feel less isolated. But in the meantime, you are truly dealing with the hand you've been dealt the best you can. Despite severe limitations you're accomplishing a great deal. That is something that counts.

I agree that there is a purpose and it helps to be able to sit with someone and share your story in person. But having had that opportunity myself, I've still found that relating my thoughts and feelings via blogging has given me tremendous support because those I've connected with truly get where I'm coming from. Sometimes that has been lacking in my personal encounters.

As always, I'll be rooting for you from my corner of the world - wishing that you'll get a vehicle/more mobility, to meet some kind/compassionate people in your area, for the VA to step up the pace, and for peace and hope to continue to flow toward you.

Suddenwidow said...

I tried to comment here last night but I'm facing computer challenges these past few days and my old computer that the boys use for their school work isn't all that reliable. My laptop crashed and hopefully will be back to me by mid next week. In the mean time, I'll get on when I can and the wireless mouse on the old system cooperates, which isn't often!

I think a car would really make your life more free. I hope the VA issue gets settled and you're able to get one! The beading is very intriguing but you're right, I've got no clue! I do love the colours!!! I pray your dreams come true, but can you wait awhile for the second one? Your kids and all of us out here need you to stick around longer, if that's in God's plan. I sure hope so! I've got a bottle or two of wine and a balcony in San Diego waiting for us :) Have a peaceful weekend my friend.

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