how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

two little words

it's just two words: thank you. we hear it all the time. thanks. thank you. thanks a bunch. but sometimes the words are said in a hushed whisper. sometimes they are trying to say more than to just extend the courteous response. sometimes there are no words other than those two little words, but a wealth of deep emotion and humbled gratitude are behind them.

thank you for the daisies. it has been very hard today. i've been rearranging the apartment, cleaning places i don't get to on a weekly basis. i've been crying, sobbing, then sniffling. a knock on the door and there was a man with a vase of flowers. so beautiful. they smell like Heaven. a deliberate word choice there.

thank you. it's all i know to say. but hear the hushed whisper. know the deep emotion behind those words. it's not a platitude. it's spoken (or written here) with reverence.

thank you.

4 comments:

Boo said...

It WAS the right decision then :-)

I was undecided as to whether they would make you sadder or not. I'm sure that initially they did ... but hope so much that they will give you joy over the next few days.

And I'm glad they did actually put daisies in there ... as asked.

You should be at dinner now?

Love and hugs to you xxxx

Dan, in real time. said...

Just stopped by to wish you a blessed birthday. I hope you enjoy the dinner with your daughter and her husband.

Remember his smile. Remember past birthdays with your Dragon. Be gentle with yourself.

judemiller1 said...

What a sweet and thoughtful gift. I know today was tough, but right now you are having supper with your daughter and son-in-law and I hope that brought you pleasure.

Suddenwidow said...

What a thoughtful person Boo is! The flowers are lovely. Hope your birthday dinner with your daughter was nice.

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