how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

the Dragon and his bride

i am taking a break from sewing. i finished pinning the batting in the quilt for Suddenwidow's eldest son and it's sitting in the frame for me to start work on it fresh in the morning. i was about to pick up the latest Dragon handkerchief when one of my Scotties, Scootie Wootums, came in from the bedroom dragging one of my Dragon's shoes. he brought it to the floor at my feet and laid his face across the toe. i cried.

i needed to do something to gain a bit of control so i went and got my Dragon puppet. {i bought it long ago when my children were very, very young. sometimes when i read to them, i had the dragon read to them.} i have some old troll dolls from a hundred years ago when i was a girl and one of them is in a wedding dress. so i put her in the lap of the dragon and took their picture. why? because my Dragon always referred to me as his bride.

"and this is my lovely bride." he always said it that way. the day of the night he died we had gone out and we'd met someone and he had the opportunity to introduce me. "and this is my lovely bride."

i asked him once when he would stop calling me his bride. he said, "never. i will always think of you as my bride because that was the luckiest, happiest day of my life."

so tonight Scootie is dozing on my Dragon's shoe and i am going to go back and embroider one of his handkerchiefs and remind myself that i am still my Dragon's "bride."

5 comments:

judemiller1 said...

How did Wootums know? and isn't a strange coincidence (?) that you have had that Dragon for so many years before you met your Dragon. Perhaps God knew in those earlier years and was weaving the road for you and Dragon to meet. God blest the lonely road that brought you two together.

Widow in the Middle said...

Thanks for posting such a cute picture that brings a smile. I had the exact same thoughts as Jude did, as I read your post.

Widow in the Middle said...

I wanted to add that you've made me remember trolls. It would be so fun to start a collection if they can be found at garage sales. I used to have them too and loved them!

womanNshadows said...

hello, jude. my lifelong affinity for dragons as honorable and noble creatures as opposed to the horrific reputations they are sometimes given is not lost on me. i think God likes dragons, too. well, one anyway.

WITM, it's funny the things we hold onto for all the years of our lives. i don't have much anymore but i have those silly troll dolls my mom had given me, and my dragon puppet. one thing from my childhood and one thing from my children's childhoods. the magic of innocence. in fighting the flood of tears over seeing his shoe in the middle of the floor again, i couldn't resist.

Dan, in real time. said...

Just dropped by to let you know I was thinking about you, and hope that you are experiencing some kindness.

Dan

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