how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

equilibrium

my life has been turned upside down. again. this time there is no chance of recovery, only acceptance.

i survived childhood committed to a philosophy of never treating my own children as i had been treated. fear is not a teaching tool i care for.

i survived a twenty year marriage to a thoughtless man, Voldemort, who saw me as someone who, in his words, "would always take it. i thought i had you trained." i'd tried to run once when my children were babies but he tracked me through a credit card receipt. he came for us, for my son. he had my son in his arms and said, "you can have her and go. he's mine." he had my son. there is no terror greater than what those four words can do to a mother. he had my son. i made a decision that moment to endure the life he made me have. i could not run again. he watched too closely. "where's the change from the cash?" and if i had a check, like an inheritance check from my father's estate, $35,000 that i had wanted put into two savings accounts for my two children, it went missing. "i took it. you don't know how to handle money." before you scold me about his taking my inheritance check know that i did ask questions. i did investigate. what happened because i dared to is not a story to relate casually or quickly so i will cut to the end of the story. i never saw the money again.

but i survived the marriage by waiting. i got my divorce when my children were old enough to stand up to him, to have learned how to handle him. i do not have to live with him anymore. no more pinches. no more fingernails digging into my upper arm guiding me to a more private place. he can't lecture me or berate me anymore for failing his daily expectations. i had gone around a corner and caught a glimpse of the sun. and in that sunlit sky was a dragon of a man living and breathing so beautifully. and the Dragon saw me.

this Dragon was stronger, meaner, and tougher than Voldemort had ever fancied himself as. the Dragon was very capable and ready of following through on his promises if Voldemort did anything to hurt my children or me. but this Dragon was also kind and loving, generous and crazy in love with living every moment of his life. so brave, so blessed are those who can do that. blessed for some reason, the Dragon became my Dragon and he loved me. he wanted to be with me and live his life with me beside him. but he'd have to teach me some things.

he was in the middle of teaching me that i didn't have to ask permission to speak. i didn't have to start each sentence with, "i'm sorry." he was teaching me that i didn't have to listen to the weight and speed of every footstep. i didn't have to watch the tells of anger in face and hands, in shoulders or legs. no one was going to come after me again. we got the children off safe to their own new, grown up lives. we were just getting started on a new life together where i had love and encouragement, pride in my creative attempts, and, all i can do is go back to that one word because it frees us for every other thing possible, love. my Dragon loved me.

eight years. only eight years out of fifty-one to try to get myself out of the suitcase i had put myself in to protect myself for so long. to hide myself from my mother. to protect myself from Voldemort. eight years to break five decades of Stockholm syndrome. it is harder than it seems, to accept freedom.

eight years with my Dragon before he died. sometimes, in my darker moments, it feels like it he was a gift that was taken back. as if God said, "here he is. this is your dream. see him? he's a dragon with honor and courage. do you love him? you do? good, because he's worth it. okay, well, now you know what you can aspire to. i'm taking him home. you are to do this alone. buck up. he loves you. have a little faith."

i still cry everyday. sometimes a little. sometimes a lot. being so very much alone is hard. i can't call a friend to go out to a movie, or to come sit with me. no one has me over for gatherings or simply to keep me from being alone so much. i don't own a car so i stay here in the apartment and work. i love sewing but the monotony of waking knowing i cannot get into a car to take myself out for a short drive does make me feel bad sometimes. i do let my thoughts stray to why i could not connect with the widow's group. i waffle from feeling selfish for wanting to tell my own story to feeling like i shouldn't have to tolerate the things that happened to me from some of them. i try to be fair and realize i don't have a history here and trying to build one with women who are themselves grieving is asking too much of them. they don't know me. maybe they don't really like my personality. not everyone has to like everyone they meet and a widow's group just happens. survivors stray over to the closest group of people who might understand. but they don't have to understand or like you just because they are on the same journey.

so i am living and accepting my grief over the death of my Dragon alone. i write here and get wonderful feedback. i've "met" some wonderful people who i believe would miss me if i failed to ever appear again, if my photo behind my blog description never changed again. i have been gifted with the chance to go to Camp Widow 2010 in August to meet some of these people. i am humbly grateful.

i am living with my grief and i have not traveled far even though in three days it will be eleven months since he died. but i think i have found an equilibrium. by definition, equilibrium is being at a state of rest or balance due to the equal action of opposing forces. the opposing forces are my deep sorrow and devastation over his death pulling me face down in the dirt against the power of his love for me trying to keep me moving. well, i'm moving a little bit. his love will always win. he is that powerful of a man. his love is that incredible. but i metaphorically lie down a lot, but i lie down face up so i can see the sky. the moon and the stars, the sun in the daytime are so beautiful. so when i am tired from grieving the loss of him, i lie down, but not in the dirt. in some nice grass that is warm and soft and sweet smelling. and i do cry, but i am looking up so the tears run down the sides of my face and water the grass. then i get up and move a bit further. mostly by crawling, but any momentum is a good thing. then i lie down face up again to watch the clouds float by, or watch the phases of the moon.

i've read so many books on grief. i've read so many quotes. i've finally settled on one that fits me right now.

George Eliot: But she lost energy at last even for her loud-whispered cries and moans: she subsided into helpless sobs, and on the cold floor she sobbed herself to sleep. In the chill hours of the morning twilight, when all was dim around her, she awoke--not with any amazed wondering where she was or what had happened, but with the clearest consciousness that she was looking into the eyes of sorrow. She rose and wrapped warm things around her, and seated herself in a great chair where she had often watched before. She was vigorous enough to have borne that hard night without feeling ill in body, beyond some aching and fatigue, but she had waked to a new condition: she felt as if her soul had been liberated from its terrible conflict; she was no longer wrestling with her grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer on her thoughts.


i know i will leave something behind when i die, quilts for others who grieve and dragons for my children to hold and remember the Dragon who came into their lives and had their backs, and who loved their mother with his whole being. a love like that deserves some embroidered dragons.

4 comments:

Dan, in real time. said...

I can see here, that grief has been a part of your life for years. Trauma of early childhood, hopelessness of early adulthood, and sorrow of the deepest type in the loss of your Dragon. As you say, your work is not finished, yet you must continue this journey of healing on your own. And we do ultimately have to do it on our own. We certainly make connections along the way so that when we need to fall someone will be there to help pick us up.

I know that the isolation, aloneness, you are experiencing adds a layer of sadness to your journey. I hope that one day soon, a person will come your way who invites you into their world. Be open to it in new ways. Perhaps it won't be another widow, but will be someone who is willing to listen, and who is ready to learn the lesson you have to teach.

I think attending the Widows Conference will such a boost for you. I expect that it will give you the affirmation needed along this journey. You will see that you are accepted and valued. Your self esteem will be replenished. You will take the extra reserve home with you, and continue on your journey with a renewed spirt. And all the women that met you will go away with the gift of your friendship as well.

Dan

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

My blog bio used to say, "I have survivor guilt, Stockholm Syndrome, and eczema," but my therapist looked so sad when I told her that I edited it out.

It's not your fault about the group. Sounds like it was a bad situation for you and that one woman was absolutely TOXIC.

I agree with Dan that you will soon see how loved you are, how you radiate light in your own way, and that your gifts matter to many of us.

And gosh, are those days getting longer yet? I can't really wait.

x

Supa

womanNshadows said...

Dan, it wasn't a dream childhood but i did have material things, health care, and a good education so in those ways i need to not revisit the discipline from that time. Voldemort was my own exercise through de Becker's "The Gift of Fear" before he ever wrote it. but i had my Dragon as a physical being in my life that i got to touch and kiss and hug and hold. i believe he's waiting for me. it gets me through the day. San Diego is my light that i am making my way to now. after that, i'll have another goal to try for. it's all about what gets you through. i'm hoping for anything to come my way. i'm open for a friend.

hello, Supa. see, that's why i put Stockholm Syndrome in the text that will slowly move on down the screen and out of sight. but i do know that i altered myself to fit who i was with so that i could squeak by. it's something you do when you feel threatened. but eventually this post will move down and everyone will forget. i'll write about something else and we'll all move on. i'm working to go back to who i was meant to be. maybe i'll introduce myself as me in San Diego in August. we'll see how it goes.

Boo said...

funny, how you and I were both rewarded with true love and true men after living with our own (and worse) versions of voldemort ... the bigger the man the gentler he be ... we were lucky, privileged and blessed. Sure, it makes the pain keener, but oh, to be bathed in that sweet light by them, there are hardly any on this earth, that know the sweetness of that love xxx

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