how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, January 18, 2010

upside down life

my lovely, wonderful husband died. my handsome Marine. my Dragon. he died and left me here alone. my life has been turned upside down and i am struggling to make sense of what i'm supposed to do now.

he called me his Beach Bunny because it's where i always ended up. for me, there is peace at the ocean's edge. shells, driftwood, sand dollars, smooth stones, ropes and line that were washed overboard and found their way to our cove. we'd walk the beach in the pre-dawn glow, during the brightest days or the wildest storms, and at night to watch the moon rise over the shimmery, watery horizon. we'd dance in the sand. we dreamed about what the rest of our lives together would be like. the rest of our lives together ended 9 February 2009.

now Bunny is upside down and the world is all wrong. i'm trying to find a way to save myself with creativity. my sewing for others. my sewing for myself. my writing. and now i found a new way to express my grief in a creative way that i hope keeps me from crying myself into a headache. solitary creativity as grief therapy.

i found a soft bunny and my daughter talked me into buying it today. i transferred over from my meager savings to get her. i'll get her a little swimmy suit when they get them in during the month of April. think about it. the photo shoot ideas are limitless.

i'm trying to save myself while i watch February come at me. the 9th will come. then Valentine's Day will roll right over me.

after that i'll be looking at every day from then on, however long "then on" lasts. and i'm scared. i am so scared without him. i wish.......

he promised me he wasn't ever going to leave me. he told me i was his whole world and then he said, "i love you so very much. i'll never leave you, my love. i'll put wheels on my walker and chase you around when we're old."

i know he didn't want to go and i'm not mad at him or at God. i am just so very sad that this is what has happened to me, to us, to the perfect us that lived in our own private world, in each other's arms, beside the beautifully harsh North Atlantic, down on the beach, in a secluded cove that held all the magic we could ever want.

close your eyes and imagine it. a Dragon and his Beach Bunny, dancing in each other's arms under the full moon. a haunting little song would drift up to you on the wind in a voice that was deep and filled with love.

"i'll give you a daisy a day, dear. i'll give you a daisy a day........

soft laughter. then you'd see the slowing down of their two bodies until only their feet shifted in the sand. the two shapes would appear almost as one as they turned dreamily under that soft silver light. the teasing would fade and be replaced with the feeling of the deep, spiritual bond between the two.

Dragon and Bunny in the world but not of it. in a world all their own. believing that they would grow old together. so grateful to have found each other. so in love that they never wanted to let each other go. holding hands even in the grocery store.

upside down is not fun. all the foam is rushing to Bunny's head. it makes her very tired.


Boo said...

It is heartbreaking. And tiring. And upside down (or as I prefer to say f***ed up") ... it is everything that you say.

I love how you describe where you lived and how you were together. And can picture it so easily :-)

Breathe, breathe ... the feeling of being pulled towards the first anniversary is awful, frightening, unbelievable, and much more besides.

But you shall do it. You are a marine's wife after all <3

One day at a time. Try to think about one day ONLY at a time. Have you thought about how you might like to commemorate the day?


womanNshadows said...

how to commemorate the day? i'd love to have both my children here with me, just the Three Musketeers. i'd like to go for a walk somewhere away from the city. i'd love to come back to the apartment and have the three of us cook a supper together. and all through the day we talk about him, reminisce about the times he made us hysterical with laughter, or in awe of fearlessness, or humbled by the great love he had (has) for us.

but that day falls on a random Tuesday and both my children have to work. i'll work here and light a candle, keep it lit all day, and i'll think of him by myself. i'll just do what i do every day. i'll get through each minute as it comes and then it will be over.

don't feel bad for me because in a way, my life is mimicking his when he was sent out on a mission. "do the job. stay sharp. and then get home." i'm the one on a mission now while he waits at "home." i'm doing my job. i'm trying to stay sharp and focused on the here and now in and around dreaming of him. then i'll "go home" to him. all in all, a small life but not a bad one.

Suddenwidow said...

I can see you both beachcombing and dancing in the sand. Lovely image. I am so sorry that he's not here with you to chase you with his walker and that you no longer have the comfort of the ocean to sooth your soul. I am so sorry that you've lost the love of your life, your protector, your love.

You will get through February 9th, and Valentine's Day, with many tears (and maybe a glass or two of wine? :) ). I am sending you a little bit of the ocean, which hopefully will bring you some comfort. Watch for it!

judemiller1 said...

I can see that picture so easily, as I know how the ocean soothes and mellows and brings feelings of deep love. I have never danced on the beach, but I can see you too, in that protected cove. Such a beautiful picture.

Boo said...

good girl. Great analogy. And you are right.

womanNshadows said...

Debbie, i sometimes feel like that Righteous Brothers song, "i'm dreaming my life away..." i'm sorry that you've lost the love of your life. but somehow, i think Heaven will involve the ocean for us. at least i'd like it to. i know i'll get through those two days. and i'll keep watch.

Jude, i'm glad my imagery allowed you to see. and i hope one day you get to dance in the sand.

Boo, my canary, thanks. =0}

thelmaz said...

I'm always taken by how beautiful your blog is.

womanNshadows said...

thelmaz, thank you very much. check back for more bunny photos. it's going to be my new outlet. thinking up new shots keeps me from thinking too hard about, well, you know.

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