how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, December 18, 2009


i had a post that i just deleted. i called it "resentful." but i got scared to leave it up. it was not nice and i just don't have it in me to leave it there.

i had a couple of bad things happen today. just here sewing and i got my feelings hurt. my daughter's mother-in-law called to explain her lack of invitation to Christmas Eve. "It's going to be a lot of happy people, couples. You'll be all alone and I know you don't want that thrown in your face. I mean, if you want to come and sit here, that's fine, but I don't think you'll want to so I'll just plan on you not coming."

Then she addressed Christmas Day. "It's just going to be family exchanging presents and I know you don't have the money to give anyone anything. I wouldn't want you to feel left out, so again, I'll just plan on you staying home. I'll send the kids along after we've had our dinner."

if my Dragon were here with me, he'd smile his devilish smile and say, "*uck'em all." then he'd take me in his arms and it wouldn't matter at all, nothing outside our door would matter anymore.

i love you, honey. you are in my every thought.


Dan, in real time. said...

I read your post, and had writen you a very lengthy response. You must have deleted it before I hit the Post button. I'm sitting here reading at work, and need to run out for a mintue, but I wanted you to know that it's okay to put you honest feelings out there.

Your Dragon would be correct in saying, 'fuck them'

I say, fuck them, all the time...

hang in there.

womanNshadows said...

thank you, Dan. i got the phone call and just deleted it all. i was so mad. i had already known she didn't want me there. but she chose to call and "confirm that you're not coming." *sigh* i should just drink the rest of the wine left over from Thanksgiving and let it all loose. i save the post in my email. maybe i'll do that. just drink a little and post. is there a law? "don't drink and post." it's so vague. it could mean don't drink do a posting trot on horseback. yeah, i need a glass of wine.

"i'll be back." >:-)

Dan, in real time. said...

okay with me. You really made me laugh with this one.

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

oh my goodness. what a horrible thing. she doesn't get it...

Widow in the Middle said...

I'm with Dan on leaving up posts because I think they represent where we are and there is truth and dignity in that. But it doesn't surprise me that you would not want to offend anyone - you're always very thoughtful in that regard.

I don't have adequate words for your mother-in-law. What a clueless and rude woman. I ran into people like this and I started to play with them and their minds. If this had happened to me, I might have thanked her for her concern but told her I did plan on attending both events and having a FABULOUS time because I would so enjoy sharing her company. Then I might have shown up at the gift giving event and presented people with silly homemade gifts or little notes or something. I would have been so furious I would have wanted to rock her safe, little boat in some way to make her feel uncomfortable.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this at the holidays - no one deserves to feel put down or disregarded for the circumstances they are in, especially through no fault of their own. How telling it is that she did not kindly offer to take you under her wing, to offer you a warm and welcoming dinner with family, ESPECIALLY since you are on your own. Isn't that the true spirit and meaning of the holidays - to reach out to those needing kindness and cheer? Bah Humbug to this woman.

Boo said...

what a stupid woman. I shan't write more, or else I shall have to delete my comment! Don't ever feel that you can't write what you feel though ... we do get it, ok?

Lonesome Dove said...

So much for Southern Hospitality! What a witch of a woman and shame on her. It's just aweful how some people behave and I am sorry that you had to encounter yet another harsh soul. Someone shared with me the other day the following quote: "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening the presents and listen." THAT is the meaning of the season....LOVE, among other things, like generosity, compassion, caring.....the list goes on.

If it were me, I'd probably have a few glasses of wine and show up unannounced at her little soiree.......

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