how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Fall On Your Knees

my Dragon loves Christmas. (i'm going on the assumption that your purest joys do not change after you die.) we kept saying, "when we have our own home, we will decorate and we will have the most memorable Christmas. lots of pictures, good food, the kids, a few presents, because having the home and our kids would be the greatest gift.

we didn't make it. maybe one day i will and i will bring all his joy and love of Christmas with me. in the meantime, i have started listening to Christmas music. it makes me melancholy, dreamy. i find myself suddenly jerking myself out of a reverie with the needle poised in my hand.

i'm taking a brief break from sewing to put this out there. it was my Dragon's and my first Christmas when we realized we both loved the same Christmas song. "O Holy Night." so for him, on this first Christmas without my Dragon, here is our favorite line.

"Fall on your knees. Oh, hear the angel voices. Oh night divine. Oh night when Christ was born."
this was my Dragon's favorite piece that i made. it made him think of his mother who had died before he and i met. he always said that she and i would have been great friends.

my Dragon loves Christmas. i just wanted you all to know that.


Boo said...

Oh you did get there. You got there in your hearts. God knows we are going to hurt this year, and in following years, especially at this time of the year. But I know that the magical christmases that we shared together (ours were not in the "perfect" house either) will keep us warm in Christmases to come, eventually.

judemiller1 said...

The stained glass is so beautiful!!! I so ache for you because I know how difficult this time of year is for you--for anyone who is alone and worse for someone whose loved one has died. I can't see any Christmas ever being easy and fun again--but--gotta put on "the face" so as not to upset family and friends.

KNOW--I will be thinking of you...and Boo..and a few other's whose blogs I read--every day from now until New Year's Day..when the holidays will finally be over and we can get back to just "normal" grief.

Widow in the Middle said...

These are beautiful Christmas memories and dreams that you and your Dragon held. I feel as though you have shared a very precious gift. Your words have enriched my spirit at this challenging time of trying to find joy and meaning in spite of our sorrow.

womanNshadows said...

Boo, you are right. my Dragon and i did have the perfect Christmases in our hearts. my mind does keep sliding back to past times with him. drifting. dreaming. not really here sometimes.

jude, thank you. i miss making windows. i do not have the space in my one bedroom apartment here but i do sketch ideas for glass all the time. i am lucky in that it will just be me and my daughter and her husband later on on Christmas Day, after their time with her in-laws. i do not have to put on "the face."

widow in the middle, i hope you find peace this holiday season that lasts. i will wrap myself in my Dragon's wings and let my dreams take me away.

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