how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve ~ candles and my moon

a candle for Boo's Cliff. a candle for my Dragon.
and the fading first quarter moon on this dark Christmas Eve.
the vigil that my sleepless eyes tell me is coming has been acknowledged and accepted. i will sew. it's all i know to do here by myself.

6 comments:

Boo said...

oh thank you so much, I can't find my camera lead so I won't be able to upload my picture!

I am so incredibly touched that you lit one for Cliff too <3

As you know I lit one online, but in precisely 24 minutes I will be lighting 2 candles for Cliff and the Dragon xxxx

womanNshadows said...

thank you, Boo. and love to you. i'll be checking in again later to post my midnight post. it's all ready. all i have to do is hit "publish."

have a peaceful, calm day tomorrow. i will be thinking of you. and i look forward to your phone call in a few days. as always, i'll be here.

and yes, i'll say it to you since we two seem to be all that's left on online on Christmas Eve. night, night, sleep tight. may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.....and to the dream arms of Cliff. shhhh. it's late. and he's waiting for you. i pray this night you dream the most wonderful dream of him to carry you through all day tomorrow.

peace always.

Boo said...

Merry Christmas S ... at precisely one minute past midnight here I lit two candles - one for your Dragon and one for Cliff ... and I said Happy Christmas to them both. I have taken some photos and when I get them put onto CD I will post them/email them to you, so you can see them. Your Dragon's candle is in a red glass holder and it is shining a warm colour <3

I hope we both dream of them tonight. That's all I want this Christmas ... it's a poor substitute but better than a cold hearth xx

Widow in the Middle said...

Your candle display is a beautiful tribute to two special men.

Dan, in real time. said...

Merry Christmas. I just finished with dinner, and the boys and I are heading out for an evening church service. I will be saying a special prayer for all of our departed husbands.

Keep your Dragon's love close to your heart.

Dan

womanNshadows said...

thank you Widow in the Middle.

Dan, thank you. since i don't own a car anymore, Midnight Mass is out so thank you for the extra prayers. my prayers here are for all of us, our children, and all our husbands as well.

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