how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas Night ~ The Kiss

i've read others having a good Christmas. lovely meals. friends. family. i've hesitated being the odd man out.


plans go awry. nobody's fault. it happens. it happened today. something came up. Christmas day did not go as planned. que sara sara. i keep that song in the back of my mind. it helps during all the hours i spend alone. i'm home with my dogs. my daughter is safe and snuggy warm at her home with her husband. my son is safe up north visiting. safe and healthy are all that matter. don't have to be sitting next to each other to be grateful.

maybe next Christmas i'll have longer with family. i'm hoping i can make it more like i got Thanksgiving to be. i have 365 days to think about it. plans to lightly pencil in. after all, it will be my second one without the Dragon. maybe it was my destiny to spend this first one mostly alone. but a couple of hours is a couple of hours.


i got a wonderful surprise gift from my daughter. a Gift of the Magi kind of gift. a photo cube. she found negatives. yeah, from way back when. and she got prints and put then in a cube. here are two. they are blurry since i will not take them out of the safety of the cube. the others are for me alone. but these two had me in tears. tears of joy. tears of sorrow. intense pain and stricken with longing. on my knees thanking God i had had him for the brief time i was allowed to. so two gifts. my Dragon and these photos.

she called it "The Kiss." i remember this day. she was a photography student. we were her subjects. the assignment was called, "Marriage." she got an A. we had each other. so briefly. so intensely. flash paper. a streak across the sky. a falling star.


Dan, in real time. said...

It's now the end of your day, so I hope that in retrospcect, it was okay having your day mostly to yourself. It's funny how we don't always get what we want, but make do with what have. I've had a busy day, no real time to myself. I had hoped to take a drive to the beach alone, but it never happened. What I did have is my three kids around all day long, yes I know, a blessing. Tonight my youngest has a friend spending the night. What I would like is some time to be alone. I guess it's just not in the cards.

I love the pictures of you and your Dragon. Your daughter gave you a wonderful gift.

Take care.


twinmom said...

From the looks of it, you two spent a lot of time kissing! GREAT pictures, such a treasure to have back the vividness of that memory. Sharpens the pain, I'm sure, but still a treasure to hold while you dwell in your memories. Thinking of you on this Christmas night. Hoping you're warm in your home, and that you get to dream of Dragons tonight.

Boo said...

I sobbed as soon as I saw the first one. It's beautiful. What a lovely thoughtful gift ... and I can imagine that you did fall to your knees and sobbed with thanks for him and with longing and pain too.

Your Dragon will always love you. He's waiting patiently for you, watching you and wishing that you didn't have to hurt so much.

Sleep well xx

Split-Second Single Father said...

Such a beautiful gift indeed! And even though the day did not go according to plan, you received a wonderful, thoughtful reminder of better times. And you've made it through this first Christmas. A hard milestone yes, but also a mark of survival.

And as a gentle reminder that things could always be worse, at least you didn't have to spend today with your son-in-law's mother!!! (Here's hoping that made you smile a bit.)

AndreaRenee said...

What gorgeous pictures - it really depicts the love and passion you had for one another.
The first Christmas really is the worst. Split-Second Single Father said it best.
(((BIG HUGS))) and lots of love to you. xoxo

Micki said...

What a lovely and thoughtful gift from your daughter! I found it very touching that she thought of you and your Dragon as a representation of "Marriage". How insightful she is; you must be so very proud of her!

You, my dear, have made it through another tough time. There are other milestones to conquer and you will make it through them as well. We are all here for you, in spirit, in mind, in our hearts.


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