how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


i am feeling better. i still have my cough. it doesn't want to leave yet. it adores my lungs with a depth of feeling that annoys the hell out of me. c'est la vie. my lungs are just weak little balloons of wimpy-ness. but i'm more up and about, working on my dragon handkerchiefs and the first quilt for Suddenwidow. and i wanted to tell you all. we had Christmas.

my children and i did Christmas at Thanksgiving. it's all about the ex and i cannot speak to it here anymore nor can i explain. suffice to say, my son has been claimed, again, for Christmas. i was hoping for a stay of exclusion with it being my first Christmas without my Dragon but no. i'm resigned to it. i will have my daughter here. i won't get to see her Christmas Eve, and she has to go to her in-laws Christmas morning, but then she and her husband will come back to me. i think her father-in-law is coming, too. but nothing more to say on that subject. it's carved in stone.

so, back to the Christmas we had.

it was very nice. my son gave his sister his old reformatted laptop with an extra hard drive. she was so happy. i gave my son prints of some of my photographs in dollar store frames. i'm giving my daughter an eye exam. my daughter gave us her smile and her love.

they gave me a bunny rabbit with a scarf around his neck that has my Dragon's initials monogrammed on it.
he's from a catalog called Soft Surroundings. he can be put in the microwave and heated. he has herbs in his long bunny belly that smell heavenly. isn't his face cute?
my Dragon had a nickname that his parents called him. "Rabbit." he wasn't called the Dragon until the Marine Corps and it has something to do with all that power and might stuff that the Marines are known for. i called him my Dragon for his honor and integrity and his ability to destroy anything that might hurt me with one breath. but before he became the Dragon, he was Rabbit. it always made him think of his parents. it made him think of when he was a boy and innocent of things like power and might and Vietnam and war and dark alleys in Europe with their own nicknames like "Murderers Row."

so my almost flawlessly perfect children remembered the name Rabbit and found this one. he smells nice and heats the muscles in my neck and shoulders. he has my Dragon's initials on his scarf and i already love him.

i've been so grim with feeling so poorly and the lingering cough that, if you can tell, still frightens me a bit. i wanted to post something uplifting.

we had Christmas together, my children and i. we had a good, quiet time. and Rabbit/Dragon was there.


Boo said...

I love the rabbit :-)

I'm glad that you had Thanksgiving/Christmas Dinner together.

But I am saddened that your ex is such an asshole. Yet again.

Thankfully your daughter gets to spend the actual day with you.

You appreciate the real things at Xmas - all three of you. What they gave you was beautiful but it still all makes me sad.

Remember this. Your ex cannot hurt you beyond your hurt already. He is now powerless. You have already had your worst fear realized - he cannot hurt you more.

Your children will not be buying him such a thoughtful personal loving gift ... of that I am sure xxxxxxxxxxx

Lonesome Dove said...

What a beautiful gift from your children. Proof that he touched them in a positive way.

Glad you are feeling better. I was concerned for you and know how scary it can be. I have been fortunate that I have not had "the cough" for a few years now. The last time I had it, I thought it was for the last time. Very scary indeed.

Hugs and kisses


womanNshadows said...

Boo, hi. you're right. i've lost my Dragon. nothing hurts like that. there's nothing he can do that will be worse.

Lonesome Dove, so you've had "the cough," too? well, promise me you will take care of yourself. it is very scary indeed. the last time i had it, it took me about 10 weeks to get well. it's not that bad this time. but still scary.

and i love my warm, sweet smelling bunny.

Widow in the Middle said...

I don't think your children could have come up with a more appropriate, thoughtful and loving gift than the rabbit. I love how it can be heated up to smell nice, warm and soothe you. And having the initials put on the rabbit's scarf is very sweet and meaningful. I am very glad to hear you are feeling better and that you and your children were able to celebrate and love one another together.

twinmom said...

Your kids are so thoughtful, what a meaningful, useful and comforting gift that they gave you. It is obvious to me that you must be a very special person, having raised two such special people in the midst of all you were dealing with. I love that you can feel the warmth of your rabbit/dragon.

judemiller1 said...

Oh he is just the sweetest thing! I have a rice sock that I heat in the microwave--wish I had a little bunny rabbit like yours--what wonderful children you have. Your Dragon taught you how to be strong and your ex cannot hurt you anymore...because you are stronger and will now allow those feelings to come into your head. He is an ass--plain and simple--and stupid.

Suddenwidow said...

I've got nothing new to add that people haven't already mentioned. Rabbit is so cute and sweet, your children are amazing and your ex is a jerk. And you my friend, are wonderful!

Love to you,

womanNshadows said...

=0) my children are great and so is my bunny. and the ex, well, as Auntie Em says in "The Wizard of Oz," - "i'm a Christian woman and i just can't say it."

but i love my warm, warm bunny. i just really do.

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