how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, December 25, 2009

"how could it be so?"

"it came without ribbons! it came without tags!
it came without packages, boxes, or bags!" ~ the Grinch

it came here at midnight; like a thief in the night.
it came without Dragon and it doesn't feel right.

it's here and he's not. he didn't come back.
there was no Christmas miracle in Santa's pack.

so i sit and i think. i sit all alone.
i think of my Dragon and wish we were back home.

my Dragon died of a sudden, catastrophic heart attack on the night of February 8th. they called it just after midnight. if i can't sleep, if i'm still up, the time of midnight until after 1 am is very hard for me. still.

i will never forget his face from that night. i will never forget my efforts to save him that failed. i will never forget. i was with him when he died. i will be with him forever. he is my joy. he is my love. he is my life. he is gone and i cannot find joy, love, or any kind of life without him. i subsist on memories and a half life where i make things for others, get the vibe of their solace in what i make.

it sounds sad. i know it sounds like i'm not doing well. i'm doing the best i can. it's Christmas 2009. i am alone. i don't feel him. i haven't since he died. i've been told by so many others, read about it, that they have felt the presence of their deceased loved ones. i don't know if i should be jealous or relieved that i haven't. i tell myself that he didn't hesitate to go straight to Heaven. he deserves the rest it offers. he deserves all the joy and peace that is promised.

i just miss him. he was too much of everything. my warmth. my laughter. my safety. he was my mirror. i know i will laugh again. i'll just never be in love again. i'll never be loved again.

"stay by my side as my light grows dim
as my blood slows down
and my nerves shatter with stabbing pain
as my heart grows weak
and the wheels of my being turn slowly.

stay by my side as my fragile body is racked by pain
which verges on truth
and manic time
continues scattering dust
and furious life bursts out in scattering flames.

stay by my side as i fade
so you can point to the end of my struggle
and the twilight of eternal days
at the low dark edge of life." ~ The Devil's Backbone


Dan, in real time. said...

You are so creative. I loved your poem, and hope that you are sleeping soundly as I write this.

I had dinner with a fellow widower last night. He was sharing with me a dream he had recently about his deceased partner. The dream ended in a similar way to Boo's dream about Cliff. I was telling my friend that I have yet to dream about Michael, and in fact have had no recollection of any dream since he died. I wondered if this is my way of not making this any harder to get through than it needs to.

Hold the memories of your Dragon close to you tonight, and each night. Let him soothe your broken heart.


Boo said...

Good morning, I loved the Grinch poem the best because I am so childlike (ish these days). I felt like I was unwrapping a present when I opened your post!

I liked that you will laugh again, and totally identify with not being in love ever again.

I'm off to check in on Dan and Kim and WITM now as Lynette is safely in bed on her cruise, Debbie is on vacation with her boys, J seems to be posting monthly ....

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