how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

1:30 am

i can't sleep. my eyes are burning and my stomach is growling. i sent off my "pre-first of the month supplicant to the master letter" yesterday morning and there has been no reply. typical but with it being between Christmas and New Year's, my panic is rising. he's going to his third family Christmas gift exchange tomorrow. i hope he checks his email before he goes. all i can do is hope. he's never not done it. it's just the issue wanting to eat, of being able to get food and not waiting to eat eggs and toast until Monday. my daughter said she hopes she gets her paycheck on Thursday so she can get it cashed at the bank. if she does, she'll get a few things at the grocery store for me and i can pay her back. i hope one of us gets some money. my stomach hurts, but panic is not the only reason i'm awake.

2010 is coming. i'll be moving into a new year. a new number. it won't be the same numeral as the year he died. i can't make it sound right.

New Year's Eve will be the full moon. mine and his full moon. it will be the end of the year in which he died. it will be a different number. for some insane reason this had me falling apart earlier. i'm moving further away from the day he died. in two and a half months, it will be a full year since he died. Valentine's Day will be the anniversary of his funeral. (expletive deleted). no one was thinking, least of all me. to sit in a church and look at his flag, his ugly black plastic box that we got from the funeral home on Valentine's Day and to forever associate that day with ........

i can't sleep. another full moon. a new year. same me. same fears. same anguish. same cold, cold, cold life.

he'd be cooking the bed now with his body heat. i'd be plastered up against him. his right arm around me. my hand on his chest. his left hand on my hip. my cold feet and legs intertwined with his. like the second Dragon handkerchief. if we'd died together like that, they would have had to untangle us, like a pretzel, like a Celtic knot.

it's now 1:55 am. i'm not a slow typist. the photos took longer for some reason. silly puppies. my constant companions. our lives are so upside down.

maybe i'll go make toast. and drink some tea. and draw. i'll have to turn the light on. but it doesn't matter. i'm the only one here and the puppies love toast. i'll have to ration the bread though. i only have a quarter of a loaf left. (expletive deleted)

6 comments:

Dan, in real time. said...

Cute puppies. I'm so sorry you are going through this money crunch. I pray that something can turn around for you.

I just received an email from a friend pointing out that this week's full moon is a 'Blue Moon.' I never really understood the idea behind the song. It's the second full moon in the same month, which happens only every two years. Provided our sky doesn't fill up with fog, which is likely, I should get a good view of it. I will be looking up at it and thinking of you and your Dragon.

I hope sleep comes your way. It never really arrived for me last night, but I did get a lot of reading done.

Goodnight.

Linda said...

I have been following your blog for a few months. I live in Snyder TX. The Lord has impressed on my heart to send you something. Would you give me your mailing address so I could do that? You could email it to me at lindajkimura@yahoo.com. It is something I need to do.

Thanks
Linda

Boo said...

oh my friend <3 HUGS and more HUGS

and more ...

I know.

I know the fear of the new year. We fear that we are moving further away from our hearts, but in fact, if you turn it around ... we are not. In reality, we are moving closer to them, and one day, time will be meaningless, when we are back by their sides, where we should be, where we fit, where our hearts smile and laugh and ... for eternity :-)

were you referring to he who must not be names. Your own version of Voldemort?

I'll despise him for you, so your own heart remains full of nothing but love for your Dragon, and this will help you have the strength to get through for a while.

I may ask you to despise someone on my behalf, as a return favour one day though ;-)

love xx

womanNshadows said...

Dan, the money crunch is sometimes a bit more like the pressure Giles Corey felt but it keeps me humble. and yes, i did know it will be a "Blue Moon." knowing that adds to the poetic and, for me sorrowful, beauty of the term. alas, the clouds have rolled in. i hope i get a clear shot tomorrow night.

Linda, i talked to God, too, and i've emailed you with my thanks and my thoughts. but i do thank you for the offer. i spoke more at length in the email.

Boo, you made me smile. "he who must not be named." i love it. i think i will adopt your prosaic way of saying it. henceforth he will e Voldemort. and of course, sister dear, i will despise anyone you designate. what are sisters for? you point. i will administer the evil eye. or the gypsy curse: Te bisterdon tumare anava. May your names be forgotten.

judemiller1 said...

dammit!

womanNshadows said...

jude? \:0[

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