2010 is coming. i'll be moving into a new year. a new number. it won't be the same numeral as the year he died. i can't make it sound right.
New Year's Eve will be the full moon. mine and his full moon. it will be the end of the year in which he died. it will be a different number. for some insane reason this had me falling apart earlier. i'm moving further away from the day he died. in two and a half months, it will be a full year since he died. Valentine's Day will be the anniversary of his funeral. (expletive deleted). no one was thinking, least of all me. to sit in a church and look at his flag, his ugly black plastic box that we got from the funeral home on Valentine's Day and to forever associate that day with ........
i can't sleep. another full moon. a new year. same me. same fears. same anguish. same cold, cold, cold life.
he'd be cooking the bed now with his body heat. i'd be plastered up against him. his right arm around me. my hand on his chest. his left hand on my hip. my cold feet and legs intertwined with his. like the second Dragon handkerchief. if we'd died together like that, they would have had to untangle us, like a pretzel, like a Celtic knot.
it's now 1:55 am. i'm not a slow typist. the photos took longer for some reason. silly puppies. my constant companions. our lives are so upside down.